Praimfaya
by Ai-Laik-Heda-Elena
Summary: Clarke is struggling to survive the nuclear apocalypse Praimfaya. With some of her friends high up in space and her mother and other friends deep below the ground in a bunker she has to survive utterly alone. Surviving is one thing, but how is she dealing with her grief, guilt and the demons of her lost love? Rated M for smut, true to the series - UPDATES REGULARLY.
1. City of Light

~ LEXA ~

After that last breath I felt nothing. Not my love for the girl I left behind, not the physical pain caused by the bullet that pierced my chest, just a blissful nothing.

It seemed to last for a moment when I felt a pull on my consciousness. I gasped. Futile, my lungs didn't seem to need the intake of air. My consciousness detected a very familiar presence and suddenly I woke from a stupor. Clarke! Is she safe? I let my mind wander and memories flowed back into my mind, our last moments, our shared soul, our... love.

No.. Impossible! I... died? The only way I would be able to feel her, to remember, was through the flame, which held a part of my consciousness. I jerked up and opened my eyes. In awe I stared at my hands which quickly flew to my chest. No pain! No blood. I lifted my shirt in order to inspect the wound, my hands moved up and down, but I didn't find a hole.

Then, all kinds of information flowed into my mind. I groaned as toppled forward and grasped my head. This was too much, I couldn't make out anything from the blurry images, it was as if my brain was rewiring, adapting to something. Then, I saw her. Clarke! Firstly I looked at her in awe, it was only now that I realised how much I'd miss her. Then, confusion took over.

But.. How? Clarke was not a nightblood and she can not adapt to the flame, it would kill her! The thought of Clarke dead made me leap up protectively, just in time for my vision to clear and to witness her being violently attacked and collapse on a staircase. I growled in anger and made my way to her, I reached for my swords on my back. Smugly, I realised that whatever I thought of having on me, I had on me. Weird, like this place we were in, but I sure as hell wasn't questioning it.

With a howl I attacked the men that were beating down Clarke and the two more that came running up to us. As they collapsed I grinned at a dumbfounded Clarke.

"Lexa?" She gasped.

I didn't realize how much I had missed her, her blue eyes stared at me. No doubt trying to piece the pieces together. I smiled reassuring at her and turned around to scan the area for other threats. I struck down a dozen of other people easily. It was like they weren't even trying to fight me.

After I slayed the last one in sight, I retrieved my sword smugly, Clarke was still staring at me dumbfounded. After making sure that no others were coming, I sheathed my swords and ran back up the stairs towards Clarke. The rain was pouring down, Clarke was lying on the staircase, weakened. I only felt the need to protect her as she whimpered and extended her arm to me in a silent cry for help.

As I reached her, she scrambled up with the last of her powers, silently taking my face in her hands. We took a moment to stare in each others eyes. It was not until now that I realised how powerful my love for this girl was. Her touch was cold as ice, she was soaked by the rain, but all I felt was the searing heat of her touch. She took a couple of seconds to process everything before falling into my arms.

"Oh my god." Clarke breathed.

I smiled and held her tight to me, never wanting to let her go again. I felt her heart flutter against my own chest, her heartbeat was weak and she was struggling to stay conscious. Her nose was bleeding, a sign that her body was rejecting the flame. Holding Clarke felt like home. I knew this moment would not last, but if it was all we had left, I would take it.

Then I spotted more people looking for her. I loosened the embrace and looked her deep into her eyes.

"Clarke, listen. Your fight is not over." I urged her. I had to make sure she understood that she had to fight. Even if that meant she would lose me – or I'd lose her forever.

I supported her and dragged her up the staircase. She was so weakened that she was barely able to walk. Instinctively I knew where I had to take her. When we descended the staircase on the other end of the city, her knees buckled.

Clarke was panting, she was leaning heavily on me. "Something is wrong" she panted before she collapsed.

"I can't" Clarke gasped exasperated.

I took her face in my hands. "Hey, hey. Shhhh, it's okay." Her body was giving up, rejecting the flame.

Her gasps became heavier when in between gasps she managed to bring out; "I'd.. Never thought" gasp "I would see you again." She gasped

Clarke is so powerful and strong, and I was so proud of her. I smiled at her reassuring; "I told you, my spirit would choose wisely." I half-whispered at her.

She nodded softly while still gasping for air when suddenly the atmosphere and everything around us changed.

"What is it?" Clarke whispered frightened.

"Alie knows you're here." I don't even know how I came across this information, it all just seemed to appear in my mind. "She is uploading the flame from your mind, that is why your mind is changing things. Day turns to night, it rains" I looked at Clarke. "We have to hurry."

I tried to help her up but then she completely collapsed. "AAH" Clarke cried out. I managed to catch her in my arms. "Clarke?!" I called out alarmed as I shook her limp body lightly. Clarke then started convulsing uncontrollably.

"Clarke?! Clarke! Come back!" I shouted frightened. This is not how Clarke is supposed to die!

"Clarke? Come back! We need you!" I cried out. Scared to lose her again, I held her close to me, trying to comfort her with my own body while stroking her hair. After a scary few minutes, the convulsing slowed down and eventually stopped. Her heartbeat stabilized. It was working. Her eyes fluttered. "Okay." I whispered while my trembling hands were soothingly on her body. "Hey" I whispered when she opened her eyes. She scrambled up directly and stared deep into my eyes. The fright and sorrow were still evident in my eyes, my heart was racing and my hands were trembling.

Without hesitation Clarke leaned in and kissed me. When her soft lips locked with mine, all emotions formed a bitter mixture of love, sadness and fear. Lost love, stolen moments and so much pain. The wave of emotions was almost too much to bear. I could mostly feel her fear of losing me, just because I knew I felt the same way. After a blissful minute I pulled back and brought my hand to her cheek, brushing a strand of blond hair from her face while fighting tears.

"Listen to me." I whispered anxiously. "Now the upload has begun, Alie's people will be able to see us."

Clarke's formed a worried wrinkle on her forehead.

"We need to be more careful." I pressed.

"Why aren't they here already?" Clarke asked suspiciously.

"The flame offers some protection." I explained. "But less and less." I added worriedly.

I looked at Clarke. "Can you stand?" I asked.

"Yeah" She breathed.

I got up and extended my arm to help her up. She took it and grabbed my other hand as well, not so much for the physical support as for the emotional support. I could tell that my death had been really hard on her and that she was not ready to let me go.

Clarke gasped as she noticed something familiar around her wrist. "My fathers watch!"

"It's working" she added dumbfounded. "And it's counting down." She moved her eyes from the watch to me. "We have ten minutes to find that kill-switch."

Ten minutes. We would have ten more minutes together before we would part, before I would have to let her go without my protection, before... Our last goodbye ever.

We shared a long look, contemplating on how we were going to find that kill-switch in a huge city that was build- and ruled by artificial intelligence. The ringing of a bike bell disturbed our train of thoughts and we turned to look at it. A little girl biked by and upon passing we noticed she had Becca's symbol on her back.

It suddenly occurred that the first commander, Becca, must be the one sending out the signs. "Thank you, Becca." I said. "Come on" I urged Clarke. Still needing my support, we ran to follow the girl.

"Wait!" Clarke yelled. "We're losing her!"

We ran into a closed gate. "It's a firewall" I noticed. Becca was not consciously speaking to me, but the knowledge just appeared in my mind. I never heard of a firewall before, but I knew it was a barrier created by a computer.

"I don't understand." Clarke said anxiously while frantically trying to find an opening in the gate.

Then a voice from behind startled us. "You'll never get to the kill-switch." A boy approached us, casually strolling up to us with his hands in his pockets.

I gritted my teeth while unsheathing my swords. I would kill him. Clarke then stuck her hand up in a gesture to stop me. "No Lexa, it's okay." She said confidently.

"Jasper, what are you doing here?" Clarke asked the boy. Clarke knew the boy, so I couldn't just kill him. I flexed my jaw annoyed.

Jasper continued to approach us, not impressed or completely oblivious of the fact that I could kill him in a heartbeat. "Trying to stop you" He said casually. "You have seen the city of light now, it's perfect. There's peace, happiness, safety. Why would you want to deny that to anyone?"

Clarke sighed. "She is torturing people to get them here, Jasper." Pleadingly, she continued; "Taking their memories and controlling them. This isn't even you. This is Alie"

"She's doing what has to be done." He replied stoic.

"She took away our choice!" Clarke cried out. "Human beings have free will, we get to decide how we should live."

He rolled his eyes at Clarke's plead. "Human beings are the only species that act against their own self-interest."

This guy was getting on my nerves, I clenched my sword and gritted my teeth in order to contain myself. There were only a few viable minutes left.

Jasper continued. "We torture each other, we fight, we hurt each other. We break each other's hearts.." The last statement was a sneer directed at me. The pain of a thousand blades coursed through my being when I was reminded how I had hurt Clarke to do right by my people. Now I would do right by Clarke – it would not make up for the past, but it would make the future.

Jasper was smiling almost euphorically, oblivious. "None of this exists here. Alie is protecting us from ourselves." This guy was definitely crazy.

I couldn't bear to hear it anymore. "Clarke." I ordered. "There is still time. We'll find another sign. Let's go."

I took her hand when Jasper raised a brow. "We can't let you do that." He said.

I heard Clarke gasp. A full army appeared behind Jasper, with Jaha in the lead.

Jaha belowed. "Clarke! There is nowhere to run. It's over!" he grinned smugly. "The second A.I. can no longer protect you."

Clarke turned to me warily. "Lexa, if I remove the flame, will it stop the update?"

I looked at her confused. "Yes, but no one's ever done that by choice before." I then realised what the effect would be and my face hardened. Not an option. "Regardless Clarke, you'll be one of them. Alie will get the flame either way."

Jasper had approached us during this small discussion. "Stop fighting." He goaded. Not an option. I stared him down and slit my eyes at him while making an estimation of the entire situation.

Then, something happened. A hatch appeared out of nowhere. "Clarke!" I said alarmed.

We both stared at the hatch for a few seconds when a white bird appeared on the hatch.

"Raven." Clarke breathed.

Jasper launched himself in front of the hatch, his arms splayed protectively over the hatch.

Clarke stepped forward. "Jasper." She said in a warning tone. "Get out of the way!"

I balled my fist and gritted my teeth. In one sweep he was down. Damn, that felt good.

That was the cue for the army to move. They were now coming for us. I couldn't let them have Clarke.

"Clarke, we can't let them follow." I said. Clarke looked back at me pleading. "GO!" I urged. "I'll hold them off."

Before I could turn around to fend off the attackers, Clarke grabbed my arm. "No! Lexa!" She cried out, the pain in her voice was audible. She pulled me towards her and I looked in her pleading blue eyes, those beautiful loving eyes. "I love you, Lexa." Clarke whispered. My heart jumped. We stared at each other for a moment, our last moment. I didn't want to let it go, to let her go. I was not ready, but it was also the only right thing to do. "I will always be with you." I assured her with a small smile before turning around and heading for the angry crowd. This time I kept my word, I would protect her. Whatever it took.

With a howl I unsheathed my swords and mowed down everyone in my path. With only one thought to comfort my mind I slaughtered all that came in my path; for Clarke.

A minute later, everything around me suddenly fell silent. The surroundings vanished, everything around me vanished. She did it. Clarke found the kill-switch. I smiled and felt proud of her.

With a sigh I sheathed my swords and examined the carnage around me. The bodies of the people that fell victim to my swords slowly started disintegrating. I recognized a few faces from my time as Heda; mothers, children and very skilled fighters. I crumpled down to floor, waiting to disintegrate myself. "You're on your own darling." I whispered as I closed my eyes. "Ai gonplei ste odon."

However, I did not slip back into a full stupor as I expected. I was somehow lingering between the remains of the City of Light and some alternate universe I could not control.

Waiting.


	2. The Flame

~ CLARKE ~

".. It has been 19 days since Praimfaya. The world is destroyed and all living creatures on the earths surface have vanished. I have been... Alone. I have no means to contact the Ark, to contact the bunker, to know if everyone is safe. All I can do now is wait."

With a sigh I put down the recorder. I have been recording ever since Praimfaya. It took me two full weeks to recover from the initial damage of the radiation, but the nightblood had worked. So far, I was alone, it was the loneliest I had ever been. Those three months I had been wandering around as 'Wanheda' were nothing compared to what I was facing now – back then I chose to be alone. Now, I live, only consoled by the idea of having saved my friends from a worse faith. Correction, MIGHT have saved my friends. I didn't know if they had made it to the Ark, if I turned the system on in time.

"Come on, Clarke." I murmured to myself. Time to get going. I was on a mission to find the one thing that might help me. The Flame.

I hoped that it was still in the temple. However, with the destruction of Polis it had been hard to find out where exactly the temple had been. I made progress, under the rubble I found remains of the rocket that once sent Becca to earth. I knew there was only a very slight chance that I would find what I was looking for, but it did not keep me from trying.

Lexa had been dead for over a year now, but I still had hope that she was somehow linked to the flame. I found a cave close to the perimeters of Polis and I had stayed there for a couple of nights, tonight I had to get back to Becca's lab in order to get some food and water.

As I descended from my cave and looked over what once was Polis, I sighed. The town transformed in a huge pile of rubble. I decided to start where I found the plate of the rocket yesterday. "There we go." I said to myself.

I was digging for hours when I took a break and sat down on a boulder. I looked over the huge pile when I spotted something white. I leaped up. The rocket! With renewed strength I started digging again. It was not long before I uncovered a hatch. I smirked to myself, I did it. I was surprised that the hatch still opened quite effortlessly. The rocket had been quite on top of all the rubble – luckily. Or I wouldn't have been able to find it.

I had to fumble to make the opening in hatch large enough to fit through, and to make sure I would be able to get out. As a safety measure I fastened a rope on the on the outside of the rocket. Carefully I slipped in, I gritted my teeth as something sharp sliced my side open. In a reflex I pressed my hand to the wound and lost my balance in the process. I tumbled 1,5 meters down into the rocket and landed on my back. I cursed – there was no one to hear it anyway.

I scrambled up to examine the damage to my side. Clean cut. Black blood was seeping from it and I didn't have a bandage to cover it. Annoyed, I teared a strip from my shirt and tied it tightly around my waist. This would have to hold for now.

I took my time to look around the rocket. To my delight there was an old communication device still installed. "Jackpot" I grinned contently. I pulled some tools from my backpack started to dismantle it from the cabin. Probably it would be dead, but I would find a way to make it work. God, how I wished Monty or Raven were here. My thoughts resumed and I wished even more for Lexa to be here.

After I managed to dismantle the communication system I quickly stuffed it in my backpack. Priorities. I tried to remember where I had last seen it. Then it dawned to my that there used to be a small shrine close to the hatch. With a groan I looked up, only to find out that the shrine was gone. I was standing on a miscellaneous of what once was the interior of the rocket. The destruction of Polis cleaved the rocket and it was on its side now.

The only thing that rested me was to dig through the pile of rubble I was standing on. I frowned, it's not like I had anything better to do. "Here we go." I mumbled into nothingness.

It took me until dark before I had touched almost every piece inside the rocket when I finally spotted a little red box with a skull on it. The flame! My heart made a small jump. I retrieved the box and with trembling fingers I slid the lid open. It was there! Tears of joy welled up in my eyes and brought the box to my chest. Finally, we would be united.

Carefully I retrieved the flame from the box and looked at the little blue chip.

"Ascende superius" I whispered. The blue tentacles emerged from the chip, I gasped at the sight. With trembling fingers I brought the chip to the nape of my neck. A familiar sensation of tentacles merging with my spine took control of me. The pain was more excruciating than I remembered and I toppled over.

"Aaaahhhh!" I cried out before losing consciousness.


	3. We meet again

~ LEXA ~

It has been ages since the City of Light, I don't know exactly how long, time was behaving different in this godforsaken place. I felt that I was disintegrating slowly. I knew this was a gradual process when the spirit was moving on, but the consciousness still tied to the flame. I felt it happen to the last commander as well. I reconsolidated with my fate by replaying that one night with Clarke over and over. Our moments, just to cherish the love I had for her.

It didn't drive the thoughts away that a conclave should have long been held. I was worried, and alone. What if no one got the flame before my spirit completely merged with a new person? Then, I heard a soft and familiar voice.

"..Lexa?"

No, impossible. I must have started to imagine things. I pressed my palms to the side of my head and closed my eyes in order to calm myself. Then I felt two hands on my wrists. My mind is so cruel. A tear escaped the corner of my firmly closed eye. Like this I could at least see her face. "Lexa?" the voice asked again. "It's me!"

I slowly opened my eyes, fully expecting that my mind was playing cruel tricks on me. I gasped when I stared into two familiar blue eyes "Clarke..!?" I breathed

"But..? How?" I was stunned. For the first time since Costia's death I let my tears run. I had been fighting who I was and who I loved for far too long.

"Hey, hey, shhhh... it's okay" Clarke took my face in her hands and wiped the tears away with her thumbs. "I'm here, Lexa. I'm finally here" She whispered. I placed my hands on hers. Oh god, it was so good to see her, feel her, touch her.

Clarke extended her arms and looked at me questioning. Then she pulled me in a tight embrace.

"Oh my god, it's you." Clarke breathed. "I could only hope.."

I couldn't do anything else than break down, I held on to Clarke for dear life. For minutes, we just held each other. I smelled a tinge of wood in her hair, she looked... different. But I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Clarke..?" I whispered.

"hmmn?" She murmured.

"I love you, too" I whispered.

I never had the chance to tell her in the City of Light, and it was haunting me ever since. Even though I knew it would only burden her. She should live, love someone and grow old happily. But she was here now.

"I know" she breathed back in my ear. "I have know ever since.." she swallowed audible, but we both knew what moment she was referring to.

Then it dawned to me that she was not even supposed to be here. "Clarke..? How...?!" she loosened her embrace and looked at me.

"Well.. Praimfaya..."

I interrupted her in horror "Praim.. WHAT?"

Clarke shook her head at me in disapproval. "Let me finish!"

I sighed. "Of course, go on"

Clarke lowered herself to the ground. "Come on." and pulled me down in her lap, holding me in her arms. I leaned my head on the top of her chest and I listened to her heartbeat while she continued the story.

"When I was in the City of Light, Becca confirmed that Praimfaya was the most eminent threat." She shifted a little bit and leaned her head on mine. "My mother and I figured out through Luna that nightblood metabolizes radiation, that is how humanity survived on the ground all those years ago."

I looked up at Clarke. "But then.. How..?" Lying in her arms made me feel small. Loved.

Clarke smiled down at me, a warm feeling gushed through my body. Oh how I had missed this girl. "My mother found a way to make nightblood, but we were not fast enough to distribute it to the whole population."

A horrible knot formed in my stomach and I gasped softly. "Clarke.. Does that mean..?"

She stroke my hair to calm me down, feeling the anxiety. "No, our people are safe. To shorten a long story; Jaha found a bunker that would hold 1300 people. Between the clans it was decided to hold a conclave to determine who would win the bunker. Octavia won the conclave and as Skaikru she decided we would be Wonkru, sharing the bunker equally."

I nodded, easing down a little. Octavia kom Skaikru really showed her worth.

Clarke continued. "So that makes Octavia the rightfull Heda."

I frowned. "Then... How are you here, Clarke?"

Clarke hesitated. "Well.. Beating Luna resulted in me being the last nightblood, so I am basically the last person that could carry the flame."

I chuckled at how bizarre it sounded. "So, if I get it straight ; you get the voices in your head – or rather, you get ME in your head and Octavia is calling the shots while you are with 12 clans in a bunker?"

Clarke shifted a bit uneasy, but then chuckled too. "Yeah, I guess that sounds somewhat bizarre."

I scrambled up and placed my hand on her cheek. "Hey, you don't hear me complain." I leaned in and softly kissed her.

God, that felt good. Silent tears were rolling down my cheeks, I still couldn't believe that it was real. That it finally was real. Or... as real as it would ever get. The kiss intensified, Clarke was as eager as me and we surely had some catching up to do.

Clarke was the one that broke the kiss, I sighed in response. "You have no idea how much I have missed you, Clarke."

She smiled at me and stroked a strand of hair from my face in a similar gesture as Costia always used to do. "I missed you too, Heda."

I chuckled. "Are you mocking me, Klarke kom Skaikru?"

She grinned mischievously. "I might..."

Then her face straightened and she got that worried frown on her forehead that I remembered all to well.

"What is it?" I asked, worried.

"No.. nothing.." She stammered.

I pursed my lips and took her chin in my hand while looking in her eyes. "Heda, Flamekeeper, Second, last nightblood, Wanheda – whatever title you go by these days." Her nose scrunched up when I said 'Wanheda' – guess she still hated it. "You will tell me."

Clarke sighed. "Lexa.. I..." She swallowed audible. "I'm just afraid to lose you again. I .. " she stopped halfway her sentenced and hesitated. "I love you, Lexa."

Dumbfounded I stared at her. "..Clarke, you do realise I'm in your head, right? My spirit might have moved on, but I'm not going anywhere." I chuckled before adding "Plus, I'm as dead as a doornail, where do you recon I'd go?"

That last part was not completely true, I felt parts of my being dissolving. Since my death I was getting weaker each day. I could not even tell how long ago I had died. I knew a part of my consciousness would always be a part of the flame, but my spirit had already moved on.

Clarke disturbed my train of thoughts with a light slap on my arm and huffed. "That's not funny and you know it."

"Hey!" I complained. "You know that hurting your Heda is a crime, right? "

"I thought you were dead as a doornail." She sarcastically retorted.

"Touché!"

Clarke then looked around and frowned. "Lexa?" She asked.

"Hmn?" I murmured

"What is this place?"

I sighed. "Honestly... I have no idea. It is kind of an in between world, not the City of Light, but something else. I always met the former Heda in the City of Light, but since you destroyed it I have been lingering somewhere in between."

"I.. I.." Clarke stammered. "I'm so sorry Lexa! I didn't mea.."

"Shhhh" I smiled and put my index finger to her lips before she could finish her sentence. "You did what you had to, Klarke kom Skaikru. For your people. For OUR people. I would have done the same. And I'm so proud of you."

There were many things I wanted to say, that I wanted to do. I just couldn't fathom the feeling that something was off, really wrong.


	4. Confession

~ CLARKE ~

Reuniting with Lexa was all I had ever hoped for, dreamed of and wanted. And being with her brought back so many memories. My heart broke when I realised how I had left her, and I felt terribly guilty for destroying the alternate universe of the City of Light. Simultaneously I was wondering how this exactly worked – how we were together. I remembered how Raven was interacting with Becca, and the story of how St. Claire helped her. How Raven had put it, it seemed like Becca and St. Claire were real, tangible people. Even if they just existed in her mind. I mused; could it work the same for me and Lexa?

I was still sitting with Lexa in my arms on the floor of a black pit. There was literally nothing around us. I had been here for a couple of hours and the surroundings already made me miserable despite being here with Lexa. I shuddered at the thought of how much time Lexa had spent here on her own.

"I don't know how it works, Clarke." Lexa said softly.

Confused I tilted my head to look at her.

Lexa felt my confusion. She put her hand on my cheek and chuckled. "I'm in your mind, darling. We're linked. That means you don't necessarily have to speak."

I frowned in surprise and closed my eyes to feel the connection. The thing I felt mostly was Lexa's touch. I shifted a little, I was getting a bit stiff and I realised that the wound on my side in the real world must have started bleeding again when Lexa moved her hand to my side and retrieved it with smears of black blood.

"Clarke? You're bleeding!" She said alarmed.

This time I felt her confusion in my mind. It was like our minds were slowly adjusting to each other, rewiring to be compatible. It was quite a strange sensation and simultaneously it scared me. That meant I would have to tell her the truth about what exactly happened.

I shrugged. "Yeah, I know. I fell down."

Lexa scrunched her nose. "But you are safe, in the bunker?"

I sighed. "Well... I didn't think it would really matter to worry you needlessly... But things went down... a little bit different." I placed my hand on my side to put pressure on the bleeding.

Lexa looked up to me and I clearly felt her worry. I smiled at her reassuring. "Do you think you would be able to come with me into the real world? I will explain everything when I can get this under control." And I gestured to the cut on my side.

I scrambled up and took Lexa's hand and closed my eyes. I had no idea how this would work so I just imagined us in the rocket where I had retrieved the flame and when I opened my eyes, that was exactly where we were. In meanwhile, day had turned into night and the rocket was as pitch-black as the alternate universe where we came from. I fumbled with a torch that was strapped to my backpack and flipped it on. The weak light was just enough to illuminate the rocket.

The first thing I noticed was a large puddle of black blood on the place where I had been the moment I passed out.

Lexa gasped and squeezed my hand. "Wha.. What happened here?!" She stammered when she saw the rocket that was once the holy place for the flame.

I silently thought back to the huge, orange clouds produced by praimfaya that destroyed everything in its path. The scent of ashes and death and the hollering of destruction and projected them in Lexa's mind. I purposely didn't think about how scared I was and how I had suffered the effects of radiation after. Lexa stared at me horrified.

"Clarke.." Lexa whispered.

"Yeah.." I sighed. "So that is what happened."

I felt slightly lightheaded, either the lack of nutrition or the loss of blood was playing parts on me. I lifted my shirt and uncovered the wound to check it. Still bleeding. I gritted my teeth because I could only think of one way to stop the bleeding, and I did not particularly like the idea of scorching my own skin. In the rubble of the rocket I had also found a flamethrower (ironic if you're looking for an A.I. that goes by the name 'The Flame'). I unsheathed my dagger and sparked the flamethrower to heat up the daggers' blade, Lexa silently handed me a piece of wood to bite on.

"Thanks" I mumbled as I put the piece of wood between my teeth.

I closed my eyes and brought the red-hot knife to the wound.

"RAAAAAAAAA!" The wood was not enough to mask the pain, panting, I dropped the wood from my jaw and clenched my side. Lexa was kneeled next to me and she goaded my arm away so she could inspected the wound. The soft touch of her hands was cooling, or perhaps that was just my imagination. Lexa quickly tied another strip of cloth around my waist and pulled down my shirt.

"That did the trick, Clarke." Lexa said. "The bleeding stopped, now we should get you somewhere to rest."

I groaned as I looked up. The one and a half meter that I had dropped down, I now had to climb back up.

With some effort I stumbled to the rover. Lexa was awfully silent, no doubt taking in the carnage. I reached out to take her hand and smiled at her reassuring. In her mind I felt the unease. From the very first time we met until now, the universe had always found a way to take us apart. I was scared, too.

I squeezed Lexa's hand and she smiled at me in response. She looked every bit as beautiful as I remembered. Her hair was loose and her face was clean of warpaint – the way I liked to see her. The light of the red moon made her headpiece glow softly and on her body she was wearing a tight leather top and tight trousers that perfectly hugged her contours.

I was wondering if the universe would let us have this little piece of happiness now that we did not owe anything to our people.


	5. Let's not talk

~ LEXA ~

The real world. I don't know how long I had been stuck between worlds, time behaved oddly in a place that was nothing else than a pitch-black hole. There was no sight nor sound – not even my own heartbeat. I was literally left with my thoughts and my legacy. I had too much time to go over every single detail that made my life. Every dim moment I lived had crossed my mind at least once, from the very first friend I ever had – Edaii, to the last kiss I shared with Clarke. Not to mention my actions as _Heda._ Titus once called me the most ruthless Commander of all times. In my mind, I did was right for my people. The time I had to think about exactly _how_ I did what was right for my people made me realise that I was not always right.

Now I was here – a mere product of projection by Clarke's mind, but very much aware and conscious. The moment we appeared back in the rocket I felt a pull to my being. I felt like I existed again. Partially this was due to the intertwining of our minds. I faintly knew how the process worked from when I took command and the former Commander's mind merged with own, sharing their knowledge. However, the connection that Clarke and I had felt very different, more intense and familiar in one way and frightening in another way.

I remembered Clarke's words clearly from when we said goodbye; ' _Maybe some day, you and I owe nothing more to our people_.' That was now – here and now. It was just us and literally no one else. It played over and over in my mind, our goodbye is what kept me sane for the time I was in between. Her face, her touch, her eyes, the way she looked at me, the way she smelled, the way she loved me, and the way she made me love again.

A light squeeze in my hand interrupted my train of thought. I had been lost between marvelling over Clarke and resenting my predicament. I smiled at her, a full smile in which I did not have to hide that I loved her. I no longer had to be the ruthless commander or do right by my people, there was only one person that I had to do right by; Clarke.

Clarke's hand was lightly enclosed around mine, as if she was scared I would disappear. She was stumbling slightly, climbing from the rocket took most of the energy she still had left. Our first priority now was to get her safely to the lab of _Pramheda._

As we walked, I silently took the carnage around us in. It was unsettling, this was what I once had called home. Everything I fought for the last four years and everything I knew for the past 20 years. I thought back to the year where the 12 clans were united and Polis was happy place without war – that was just before Skaikru arrived.

In meanwhile Clarke slowed down and headed towards the South-East border of Polis. Once, there was an arena here. The arena where I had won my first battle. I remembered how everything looked and I remembered the slightly hidden cave just behind it. I had spent many hours there with the only real friend I ever had, Edaii.

Clarke looked at me confused, "how did you know we were heading the direction of the cave?"

I must have subconsciously projected my memories to Clarke, "ehh well, this" I motioned around the clearing where we were standing, "was once an arena. And the cave I was thinking about was a place I spent a lot of time when I was a child."

Clarke looked surprised, "you know the cave?!"

I grinned slightly, "I'm not surprised you found it."

The link between our minds was still enhancing, perfecting itself but it was already tangible. So I tried it out by thinking about the arena, the cave, how it once looked and the time I spent there.

Clarke turned her head and stared at me in amazement, "that would be how I envisioned it before praimfaya. It's perfect."

I returned a smile to her and squeezed her hand lightly. When we entered the cave it was obvious that she had spent a couple of nights here. Quickly we gathered the miscellaneous of objects she had collected from going through the remainders of Polis. I held up a sheep-skin with an obvious black blood stain on it, "really, Clarke?" I shook my head grinning.

Clarke turned bright red, "well ehh..." she stammered, "I found it, and it was the one last real memory I had of you.. so..."

With the sheepskin still in my hand I approached her and took her face in my hands, "I told you, my spirit would choose wisely." I whispered before I leaned in to kiss her. A silent tear rolled down her cheek, while she answered my kiss eagerly. I dropped the sheepskin and pulled her body close to mine while I slowly tucked down the hem of her shirt. She broke the kiss and looked me deeply in the eye, "Again, I never thought, _hoped_ , that I would see you again."

"Shhh..." With light pressure I pushed her down on the makeshift bed of sheepskin – the one my physical body died – on and positioned myself over her before I pressed my lips to hers in order to empower my command. I let my hands roam her body under the protective fabric of her shirt. Her body was firm with muscles and I was careful to avoid the cut on her side. In turn, Clarke was exploring my body and slid of the shoulder of my garment. She gasped when she looked at my arm.

"Lexa!" Clarke breathed while she grabbed my arm, "wha.. What happened to your tattoo?!"

I hadn't even notice that I didn't have them anymore. I had been so fully occupied by Clarke that my own physical changes slipped my attention. The tattoo on my upper arm had fully faded, with a sting I realised that my disintegration was going faster than I had imagined. I knew from the former Commander, Irinay, that it took a couple of years for a former Commander to disintegrate and to migrate with their spirit into a new person, this was due to the awareness of the child the spirit had chosen. The more aware a child becomes, the faster the consciousness of a former Commander fades. Usually this process takes up to four years and a former Commander always holds a piece of their consciousness tied to the flame, this is why it is never clear which child holds the spirit of a Commander and they are allowed to build a life of their own without memories of a former life. I sighed and decided not to give it too much thought for now, I only hoped I could have some time with Clarke now.

I smiled at her, "it's nothing, it's the process of passing on the spirit to a possible new commander – which obviously can not happen now."

I could feel from Clarke's mind that she was not entirely satisfied with the explanation, so I decided to distract her. I slowly unbuttoned her shirt and slid it off her shoulders. This time I was the one who gasped. On her left underarm was a tattoo, one almost identical to the one I had on my back from my ascension day. I followed the traces of ink with my index finger as I appraised it. There were some subtle changes made to the design, the top circle missed a part and the writing in runes spelled out ' _Plus que ma propre_ _vie, may we meet again'_ Clarke smiled and I felt the love echo in my mind. "This," she guided my index finger to the half circle on the top, "represents me. Without you I was not whole anymore. The runes spell 'plus que ma propre vie' – more than my own life. I gave more than my own life for my people, and I would give more than my own life for you." She moved my finger down to the circle that looked like it was composed of numerous small dots. "This..." She swallowed audible, "is from the pain I have caused as _Wanheda,_ every dot resembles a life lost on my account, my back was not large enough," she scoffed before she continued, "the larger dot in the middle represents you, the lines through the circle represents the line Skaikru and the small one on the side is a tribute to Bellamy." A tear escaped her eye. Her tattoo, her tribute to me was something I could not fathom. I knew she loved me, I had known I loved her from a very early start, but I didn't know that her love for me was as deep as mine was for her.

"Let's not talk.." I whispered, and I silenced her lips by locking mine over them. Menacingly I pinned her left arm above her head before I slowly descended my hand down the length of her arm, letting my fingertips explore her arm. Her skin was smooth and soft, with some abrasions from her ordeal. Curious, I let my fingertips follow their path down her shoulder and towards her breast while I had my tongue exploring her mouth. She moaned softly in response to my touch and with her free hand she pulled the remainders of my shirt off, eager to discover what was under it. We knew each others bodies well, we were the last to really touch one another. Her hand moved to the nape of my neck, holding me tight and locking me to her. Her other hand was on my shoulder and slowly moved down to my chest, exploring every piece of skin there was to feel. "Lexa.." She moaned softly.

Softly, I put a finger to her lips and moved my mouth down from her lips to her chin, exploring her throat and working my way down in an excruciating slow way. Her breathing sped up and I paused to kiss the hollow of her throat while my hands were working their way down, massaging her breasts. Feeling her mind and her excitement made this experience so much more intense than the first time. I felt the mixture of sadness, emotion, love and desire ripple through my mind as if were my own emotions, highlighted by memories of the last time we shared our love and soul. It was as if we were merged into one.

Careful not to touch her wound, I slid my hand down and unbuttoned her pants. She shivered lightly when a breeze of fresh air grazed her skin. I kissed her bellybutton and moved my hand to her center. She arched her back and pushed against me in response to my touch. With my other hand I pushed her down softly "Nah-uh, Wanheda, not so fast" I growled under my breath, "you're under my command." Her breathing sped up while she complied with my order, grasping the sheepskin beneath us while I brought her to blissful heights. The explosion of my touch was clearly projected in my own mind, while we came down from our heights I moved up to find her lips.

"Oh my god" Clarke breathed shakily. I grinned and kissed her before I lightly bit her bottom lip. She responded by digging her fingertips in my back and flipping me over. "HEY!" I complained. She stared down at me, looking me deep into my eyes. The look in her eyes reminded me of when she held the knife to my throat back in Polis – the memory made her face fall. "Lexa.. I.." guilt washed into my mind.

I interrupted her apology by looking at her, thinking of the rest of the memory. How I felt about her and how I trusted her – how I knew she cared for me too, even though I had betrayed her. How I would have done everything to make the wrongs I did to her, right again. In my wildest dreams I would not have thought she would ever forgive me in that lifetime.

"Of course I would forgive you," Clarke whispered while she caressed my face. She leaned forward, letting her forehead rest on mine and kissed me on the tip of my nose before she lowered herself next to me and pulling me in her arms. "Do you know how long I have missed you?" In a silent response I shook my head and pulled her closer into my arms.

"386 days, Lexa" she whispered. "it has been 386 days since you died*, and it has been 378 since I last saw you in the city of lights."

I gulped. I had been so lost in the blackness that I never noticed that I have been gone for a year. In that time a child must have been born with my spirit, a child that was still alive somewhere. My mind was reeling, but I did not want to upset Clarke so I blurred the thoughts that I had with memories that didn't make sense.

Clarke sighed and brushed a strand of hair from my face, and frowned questioningly "what are you thinking?" As she picked up on the messy and random memories that also appeared in her mind.

I would have to learn how to shield my mind from hers in the future. Some things she should not be confronted with. Especially not with so much at stake.

"I'm thinking... That we should head out." I nodded towards the exit of the cave, streaks of red morning light were already creeping in and it wouldn't be long before the sun would make a full entrance and we would need shelter. Clarke sighed. "You're right. We have a long way to go."

(* note that the timeline is not correct, I need this timeline to make the storyline work)


	6. Maddi

~ Clarke ~

".. It has been 20 days since Praimfaya. I found some equipment with which I hope I will be able to contact you. I will be fine for five years – I hope YOU will be fine for five years. Be strong, I am counting down."

With a sigh I put down the recorder. Lexa was silently sitting behind me, resting her hand on my shoulder. I put my hand on hers and smiled at her. "I mean, now that I have you here, I am sure I will be fine."

She answered my smile with careful smile of her own, her bright green eyes had a hint of sadness in them, "We will be fine, Clarke. Well.. We will be if we can go now". A sorrowful crease formed between her eyebrows while she looked up at the rising sun. Lexa was right, we should be well on the way before the sun hit. Radiation affected the protective ozone layer and temperatures rise up to 55 °C during daytime. Luckily, the rover has air-conditioning, but before the sun reaches his peak we should be in a more secluded area.

With a jump I was on my feet, I turned around and extended my hand to Lexa, "Ready?" She took my hand and pulled herself up, "Always" she answered.

I left the rover in a secluded space, not that I was afraid of it being stolen, but at least it wouldn't get that hot. When we put the last things in the back, I opened the passengers door and gestured for her to get in. Curious, she was looking at the interior of the car when I entered from the other side. Then it occurred to me that this was probably the first time ever she was in a car. With a roar the engine came to life, making Lexa jump slightly. I chuckled, "First car-ride?" I asked. Cautiously she sat back, "You could say that... I prefer the horses though," she mumbled. I reached over and strapped the seatbelt over her, she gave me a look that spelled out 'really?' but she didn't protest.

After we'd left Polis behind us I took a road that led by burned woods. Lexa was silently observing the carnage left by praimfaya. I could feel her sadness in my mind, she had loved this place. I placed my hand on hers and squeezed lightly. This mind sharing thing was mind-blowing. Raven told me how it felt when she could see, touch and converse with Becca and St. Claire. I expected something similar to her experience prior to inserting the flame, but the connection between me and Lexa was so much more intense. I kind of expected something like the City of Light, us being our own persons, but I guess that encounter was not long enough for us to merge.

"Lexa?" I asked softly.

"Yes?" She turned her head to me and examined my expression.

"I was wondering... will you tell me something about you? I.. " I thought about how little we actually knew about each other and how badly I wanted to know... everything.

She chuckled in response, "What do you want to know?"

"Well, basic things? Like, I don't even know your birthday, your favorite color, where and how you grew up.." I sighed, "I feel like I know you more than anyone, but I don't know anything about you." I looked at her and met her eyes for a brief second, "does that make sense?"

Lexa was already looking at me and took my free hand into hers, "You know me better than anyone, Clarke, and I will tell you anything you want to know. I was born not far from here, actually, I think we can make a detour because it is just of the next road." She pointed in the South-West direction, "I don't really remember my parents, I know my father was part of the army and died in battle, my mom died when I was about five years old, but even before that I didn't know them. I was taken to Polis when I had just turned four, together with another nightblood boy from my village; Edaii."

I nodded and tried to imagine what it must have felt like for a child that young to be taken from their parents and forced into training. I failed. Lexa answered my mind-question with a sigh, "It was terrible, it was lonely and I lost the only friend I ever had." She pointed right, at a small dusty sidetrack, "Turn here, I will show you where I was born... if it still exists, that is." I didn't know exactly where we were, but I knew we were close to a Trishanakru village.

"Clarke!" Lexa gasped, her expression suddenly went blank and she squeezed my hand tightly as if she was seizing.

I yanked my head to look at her "LEXA?!" I yelled anxiously, I hit the break to stop the rover, "What's going on?" Alarmed I took her face in my hands and desperately tried to connect with her mind. It came up blank, I was either not good at this, or she was blocking me out completely. Then, she gasped and grabbed her throat as if she was being choked, her expression turned back to normal, and she looked at me horrified, "Turn left here, Clarke," she rasped with her hand still on her throat.

I was dumbfounded, "What? Lexa, are you out of your mind? There is nothing there! And we need to get you to the lab, obviously something is going on," she looked at me and raised her eyebrow, "And what do you want to do in the lab, Clarke?" She rasped, "I am a part of your mind, I don't have a body of my own!" That remark hit me square in the face. She was right... if something is off with her, something is off with me. "And besides, " Lexa continued, "nothing is wrong, this was Irinay, the former commander, in my mind. That was why you were blocked out temporary – you are not synced yet with all the former commanders, we should perform the ascension ritual once we get to the lab. Anyway," she added while pointing at a seemingly empty space, "turn left here."

Reluctantly I started the rover, while keeping my eyes on her, "Are you sure you are okay?" I asked anxiously. Lexa sighed, "You would feel it if I weren't." My memory hadn't abandoned me. Sure enough, the remains of a small village doomed up before us. I looked at Lexa anxiously, she was fiddling uneasy, but I couldn't pick up from her mind what was going on. "There," Lexa pointed at the remains of a small farm. I frowned, "Lexa, what do you think we will find here? Everything has perished with the praimfaya."

She shook her head, "Not everything or everyone, Clarke," she pointed to the side of the pile of rubble, "Can you stop there?" Silently I complied with her strange request. I spent 5 days digging around in Polis, and all I found were burnt bones and some artefacts that had been shielded from the praimfaya. Radiation levels were spiking and even with the nightblood in my system I had problems to function. Now Lexa thought we would find something here? I sighed but stepped out of the rover anyway, "What are we looking for, Lexa?"

She was already ahead of me, "Maddi," she replied.

I frowned, "Sorry, who?" I sped up to catch up with her and grabbed her shoulder, "Lexa, this is madness," I gestured around, "look, there is noth..." I cut my sentence short when I heard a short, high-pitched wail. "No way," I gasped.

Lexa nodded silently, "Come on, we don't have much time." She grabbed my hand and towed me towards the pile of rubble. The sun was already burning hot, making the rubble burning hot to touch. We headed the direction of where the sound came from, Lexa stopped dead in her tracks, "Here." Together we started digging, moving the larger pieces and burnt wood. It was silent all around us, except for the sound of my own laboured breathing. We were digging for an hour before we found some kind of hatch underneath the rubble, "That's it!" Lexa called.

Quickly, we made space so we could open the hatch and I opened it. A stench of death, burned flesh and excrement made me clutch my nose. With my face covered I proceeded down, could someone really have survived this? An infant nontheless? The cry we heard was definitely that of a young child. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the underground cellar, I heard shallow breathing. I could make out three dead bodies, scorched beyond recognition and decomposing under the hot sun. One of them was a child about 5 years old, two were older. I tried to look away, blocking the images and following the sound of breathing. In the corner I saw the body of a woman, crumpled down on the floor, hovering protective over a small crib. I took a sharp intake of breath, something was moving! I ran over to the crib and with trembling hands I reached in. An infant stared at me with piercing green eyes, the breathing of the child was shallow and fast, struggled. "Lexa!" I found something! Lexa appeared next to me, "That's her," she gasped. "Her?" I repeated, "how do you know it's a she?" Lexa shook her head, "It doesn't matter, we don't have much time, this little one won't make it."

I scanned the basement. This was obviously built to shield the family from praimfaya, so they might have some provisions here, too. I picked the child up and held her close to my chest, her breathing was faltering. "Here!' Lexa yelled. With a smirk she held up something that looked like a bottle and in her other hand was a leather pouch. I scrunched my nose, "are you sure about this? Isn't it spoiled?" she shrugged in response, "Do we have a choice?" Lexa put the substance in the bottle and added some water before shaking it vigorously, "It smells like what we would normally use to feed our infants." Cautiously, I looked at it, "If you say so..." I cradled the child and caressed her cheek, "hey little baby," I cooed, "Do you think you can do this for us? " The child felt limp and heavy in my arms, but she opened her eyes with what seemed the last of her strength. I looked at Lexa, "Let's try this," I whispered.


	7. Maddi 2

~ LEXA ~

My head felt like it was going to explode, I rubbed my temples to take the pressure off as much as I could. It was not really helping, adjusting to the real world, Clarke's mind and now to Irinay – the former _Heda_ proved to be a bit too much. The image of the infant's piercing green eyes was burned on my retina. It was like looking in a mirror. Could it be..? There was no need to test if this child had nightblood – it survived. But I felt no connection to it whatsoever.

Clarke was on the other end of the room, holding the child and rocking it back and forth while humming something that sounded like a nursery rhyme. I didn't recognize it. Slowly, I slumped down to the ground and wrapped my arms protectively over my head. We had to stay here until the sun sets, and we had new problems now. I folded my legs and rested my hands on my knees as I had done countless times before to calm down. I closed my eyes and let my mind reel. Somehow, I had to find a way to get a grip on what was going on, and I hoped Irinay would help me with it.

I gasped as darkness consumed me, a black hole of nothingness consumed my mind and attempted to pull me in. I couldn't see, touch, feel or smell anything, all my senses were dulled. In panic, I swerved trying to hold on to whatever I could reach, in vein. I was about to give up when I felt Clarke. NO! I had to fight it! The nothingness was terrifying, it was like getting lost somewhere without being able to see, feel or hear around you. I concentrated in order to regain myself when I felt a familiar touch. Clarke. A light touch enclosed around my left hand, in return I tried to squeeze back, but my hand did not respond. The touch increased in intensity until it started to burn. It felt like a fire was spreading through my veins, too hot, too hot! I tried to scream, but there was no use. There was nothing.

Suddenly, I felt a yank. And I started to fall down, a drop that seemed to be endless, I was going faster and faster. There was no wind in my ears or my face, there was just a terrifying feeling in my stomach and the anticipation to hit something hard at the end of the drop. And that came. It felt like my being was being crushed, like a fly that explodes when you hit it hard enough.

"Lexa?" I heard the anxiety in Clarke's voice and it echoed in my mind. My eyelids fluttered, I didn't have the power to open them, my head was pounding and my body felt like it wasn't even mine. It wasn't necessarily painful, but it wasn't comfortable either. "Lexa!" Clarke urged again. I heard faint breathing and I felt a soft touch stroking my cheek. I flinched, scared it would burn again like it did before. The touch retreated and I felt Clarke trying to reconnect with my mind. I felt her anxiety and I tried to reach out for her, too. A few long minutes passed and I regained control over my body. My fingers twitched and my breathing somewhat normalized, I synced with Clarke again. When I opened my eyes I looked straight in Clarke's eyes, which were wide and terrified. "Lexa? Are you okay?!" I managed a small smile and she reached out to touch my cheek again. I lifted my own hand and put it over hers, "yes, I'm okay now." I breathed.

"What happened?" Clarke asked worriedly. She had put Maddi back in the crib and she sat down next to while pulling me in her arms. "You scared me, _Heda._ " She added while she kissed my temple. "I tried connecting to you but it felt like there was..." she shuddered at the memory, "nothing." Like you weren't there anymore.

"I.. I.. don't know," I rasped, "I tried to connect to Irinay, like I have done countless times before, but something was.. wrong." My voice was hoarse and alien, I felt like all my power was drained. Clarke's touch gave me some power, but it was like we were sharing one battery that was almost dead. Clarke nodded silently and I felt her wariness, too.

We sat there for a couple of minutes when Maddi began to splutter, Clarke looked at me, helplessly, I looked up at her and motioned for her to go get Maddi. Clarke scanned the room and spotted a single bed that was neatly made in the far corner of the room. With the power that she had left she helped me up and together we stumbled there before she laid me down on the bed. Then, she went for Maddi. I felt her worry for our shared faith, but simultaneously her newfound love for the infant as she picked her up and carried her back to bed with us. Maddi stopped spluttering instantly and put her little thumb in her mouth before sucking it vigorously. I smiled at the sight of the child and then back at Clarke. The infant was very small, I estimated her 4, maybe 5 months old, still very much depending on their mother. I wondered how it had survived this long.

Clarke put the baby next to me and climbed on the bed herself. Maddi was sucking her thumb contently when Clarke put her arm around both of us and pulled me close to her until her nose touched mine. I reached to give her a small peck on the lips and she smiled at me. Maddi was looking back and forth between me and Clarke, we looked at each other and I smiled at her. "How old do you think she is?" Clarke asked softly.

I shrugged in response, "I think about 4-5 months if I see her like this." Clarke frowned and she was wondering how the child had survived this long. I sighed, "I don't know," I responded in a whisper. Clarke softly touched my cheek and kissed me on my lips before pressing a soft kiss on Maddi's forehead. She was already dozing off with her thumb in her mouth, making very soft suckling noises. I was in awe with Clarke's natural maternal instincts, and I felt a sharp stab of jealousy knowing that I will never know exactly what it would mean to be a mother. I never knew I actually wanted this, in my time as commander I was always drilled to _not_ want children. Or love. _Hodnes laik kwelness._ And now, it was too late.

I sighed and dozed off with Clarke's arm tightly wrapped around me and her forehead softly pressed against mine. In turn, my arm was loosely draped over Maddi's small stomach and holding Clarke's hand. I felt safe.

I dozed off in a restless slumber, waking up every so many minutes. I was still terrified of the blackness. A few hours later Clarke woke up, careful to not wake Maddi, she manoeuvred herself out and got up. "I think the sun is setting, Lexa. We should leave soon."

I frowned slightly, "How do you feel, Clarke? Still shaky?" I felt a bit better, but still not like before. However that may be. Clarke nodded in response, "I think I'm good to drive, I could use some food.." She walked up to what once might as well have been a storage pantry and sighed, "Everything is spoiled." She picked up an undefinable piece of something to show it to me, "Here, I think this once was cheese."

"That," I muttered, "Looks disgusting." With one eye on the infant I was wondering what we would feed her. Clarke explained that there were some possibilities for food, but they were not suitable for infants. This child still depended on its mother for breastfeeding or milk from goats or cows – which didn't exist anymore. Clarke sighed in response to my mental question, "Yet another obstacle to overcome."

Clarke turned back to us and extended her hand. Careful not to disturb the baby, I took it and manoeuvred myself around Maddi, off the bed. I was annoyed by my newfound weakness. Once, I was a strong leader, someone everyone looked up to and respected. Look at me now, I thought wryly. Queen Naila must love seeing me like this. Clarke picked up on my thoughts, "You're still the same to me, Lexa," she said in all earnest while putting her arm around my back to support me. I returned a sour smile, "Oh yeah, the great _Heda,_ respected commander that can't even walk by herself," I mumbled.

Clarke grinned, "MY great _Heda_. Lexa, strong or weak, you are the same," she said while she stroke my cheek. "And you know what," she added in a whisper, "you and I owe NOTHING more to our people."

I smiled, "If you put it like that, this," I gestured to my body, "is a small price to pay." Clarke nodded, "Exactly. And it's a great price for me to win, I'm finally be more equal to you!" she grinned. I huffed in response, "Klarke kom Skaikru, you were always stronger between the two of us. I sacrificed a lot of my life and my being for my people." Clarke's face fell slightly and she looked at me with pain in her eyes, "and now, you owe nothing more to them," she whispered. I sighed. Clarke nudged me forward, "Now, let's get you to the rover and I will pick up Maddi."


	8. There's an idea

~ CLARKE ~

"Day 21. Bellamy, it has been 21 days since praimfaya, I have..." I sighed into the recorder and hesitated how I would put this without sounding like I've gone crazy, "..'things' to take my mind of your fate, but I miss you. It's gonna be 1804 more days until we meet again, I hope you all are safe."

I lowered the recorder and my attention went to a flickering red light. The battery light of the recorder, it was letting me know that it was on its last legs. Annoyed, I shoved the device back in my backpack and resumed my way.

Lexa's state had me worried. I could sense that she was walking on a feeble line, one between existence and... something I didn't want to think about. Lying in the bed with Lexa close and Maddi between us, that is how the rest of our existence should look like, this is what we deserve. Deep down I already knew that was not exactly how we would end up…

A tear escaped the corner of my eye when I left the rover where I had just installed Lexa. Her thoughts had hit me harder than any spear or sword could ever had. ' _Once I was the most respected and feared_ _Heda_ _of all times, now I barely exist' ._ I felt for that.

Wryly I thought back at our first encounter ever, how Lexa was sitting stoically in her throne,asking me – _accusing me-_ of burning her warriors while menacingly twirling a knife between her fingers. Then, I was slightly taken aback by her seemingly young age, but I never found her intimidating like most people. Lexa was strong and ruthless, I experienced that first-hand. She had also faced choices between life and death for her whole life, that was something hard to fathom. I sighed and gazed at the rubble ahead of me, it all seemed like ancient time.

Lost in my train of thoughts, I reached the pile of rubble that once was the home to Maddi's family. When I climbed back into the room I found her sleeping soundly in the middle of the bed, where we left her. Her thumb had fallen out of her mouth and her puffy lips were slightly parted as if an imaginary thumb was there. A small smile appeared on my face. I never aspired a family of my own, I felt like my family had ripped away from me one by one, first when I lost Lexa, and then again when Bellamy, Raven, Monty and Harper were shot into space. The only person on this earth was my mom, and I couldn't reach her, either.

I scanned the room once more, hoping to find something I would be able to give Maddi, later on. She will grow up without ever knowing her family, same as Lexa... I swallowed the lump from my throat. Other than Lexa, Maddi will grow up knowing love.

My eye fell on a faint glister, concealed by the darkness. I bent down and reached out for the trinket that caught my attention. It was a small golden bracelet, it had an inscription that was not readable in the dark. Quickly I stuffed it in my pocket.

Diaries... I scanned the shelves to see if there was something that could represent a diary, something that might describe Maddi's mother, or her family. Something.

I ran my finger over the backs of the books that were neatly aligned, most of them had rough covers and were printed, not a typical diary. Then, my fingertips encountered a different structure, a soft structure that stood out from all the other structures. Leather. Eureka. There were 3 of them, quickly I grabbed them without examining the contents and stuffed them into my backpack.

Then I turned back to Maddi, who was still sleeping soundly. Carefully I picked her up and brought her to my chest. Her little hand moved and she clutched my breast without really waking up. I smiled in response. I clutched her tighter and wrapped a sheet around us to make a make-shift sharong before I made my way back to the rover.

When I climbed back in the rover, I was greeted by Lexa's smile. Her smile made me forget the world, praimfaya, even occasionally the fate of Bellamy and the others I launched into space. It made my heart flutter every time she flashed it - it always had. But now, it also made my heart quench. Because I knew that even though she was real, she was just in my head.

"You know Clarke," she murmured, "when we first met I thought you were arrogant, you had the guts to _defy_ me, no one did that for a long time." The left corner of her mouth curled up as she recalled the memory of our first meeting as I had done when I was walking back to Maddi, "it intrigued me. I thought you were weak, that your love for all who you had around you made you weak. It took a while for me to realize it was I who was weak for not loving anymore."

I smiled back at her, "I actually thought it was a bit of joke when you appeared to be the commander."

Lexa furrowed her eyebrow at me and looked at me questioningly, "You… What?"

"No, not because," I gestured clumsily at her, "you know. You are my age, and big scary men were answering to you. YOU ordered for us to be murdered and.." I trailed off in thoughts. "It just seemed ridiculous at the time, you know. On the Ark we would have a 'chancellor', an actual grown-up that was elected, no one on the Ark would ever have taken an order from you. Or me. Or anyone our age."

Lexa frowned in response, "You know I was elected, too, right? In a way, that is. And that our way might even make more sense, seeing as the _strongest,_ _fittest_ to lead would survive. Besides, YOU are younger than me, Klarke kom Skaikru, and as I recall, you were the chosen leader of _your_ people."

I wiggled uneasy in my seat, "Yes of course your way makes sense, but at that age, are you emotionally ready for such a responsibility..? I mean, I did not really _choose_ to lead Skaikru, you know."

Lexa sighed, "Clarke.. I thi.." She was interrupted by a high-pitched wail from cloth that strapped Maddi to my body. The wailing intensified, helplessly I looked down at the crying baby, unable to offer her anything.

"I think that's our cue to hurry the hell up," I said. Lexa nodded silently and leaned back in her seat as I started the rover. The heat inside the car was almost unbearable, despite the air-conditioning system, I guessed it'd be around 35 degrees in the car. The movement of the rover calmed Maddi down and she was staring at me with wide eyes. With one hand on the wheel I had a free hand to pacify her, and she started to suck on my finger vigorously. Lexa was looking at it and laughed, "I don't think that that finger will give you any milk, little one," She said while stroking the baby's cheek.

Something connected in my mind, "That's it..." I muttered.

"What's what?" Lexa raised her eyebrow confused while she looked at me.

I turned my head to her, "My finger won't give milk, but I have other body-parts that can!"

Lexa rolled that thought around in her mind and her mouth fell open slightly before she closed it and spoke, "..You can't be serious Clarke." Lexa scrunched her nose in disbelieve, "You want to _breastfeed_ this child?! Did it occur to you that you need to, ehh, get _pregnant_ and have an actual _baby_?" She added sarcastically.

I shook my head, "No, no, there are ways to lactate without having a child. It's all hormone bound, and if Becca has the right equipment in the lab I might be able to actually do this!"

"This is beyond me." Lexa said while she raised her hands and shook her head at me, "I don't know what hormones are or what they do, but that doesn't sound very safe, Clarke."

I grinned contently, "Don't worry, Lexa, I will be fine and she will be too," I eyed the little bundle that was staring up at me with her wide, green eyes.

~ Lexa ~

Now I was sure Clarke had completely lost her mind. Either from sleep deprivation, starvation or despair – I couldn't be sure. I knew she had some crazy ideas, like making nightblood, but this?

The trip in the rover was not as bad as I expected it to be. The rocking of the car was actually quite soothing. The only thing was the landscape... We were driving for hours and all I could see was blackness. I was horrified to witness what had happened to my world. The landscape was one black, charcoaled, deserted field. Everything I once loved was gone. Everything I built for my people, gone. A tear welled up in my eye when I felt Clarke's hand enclose around my own. She smiled apologetically at me.

"It's pretty horrible, huh?"

I nodded silently and looked at Maddi who was sleeping soundly again, still wrapped to Clarke's chest.

"This is not how I would like you to grow up, little one," I whispered to her.

Clarke shook her head, "We have to make something out of it..."

In front of us, a large building doomed up. It looked like it was once concealed by trees, but the trees were reduced to small, black stumps. The building itself was largely okay, or at least, it looked okay.

Clarke shrugged, "It was built to withstand the first praimfaya, but it did quite well in the second round. There is some damage 'round the back though."

Clarke pulled the rover in a covered area, "Right! Here we are. Becca's lab!"

Curious, I scanned the building. "So this is where Becca Pramheda once lived," I whispered.

I imagined a lot of things, but this was not what I had in mind. I had met Becca through the flame on multiple occasions, but always in some kind of office, in the City of Lights. That was also where the ascension ritual took place. The office had an influence of every former _Heda_ _,_ and from the inside, it looked like a large tent. To me, at least.

When I descended to the City of Lights by choice, I would meet the commander that was before me, Irinay, easily. We would meet on the street or we would have a sweet drink at random spots throughout the City. It always amazed me how the City looked, in time, Irinay had explained to me that this was how the world looked like before it was destroyed by praimfaya, that this was how people lived, slept and worked. It was surreal to me, that such a world once really existed.

I had grown accustomed to the City of Lights in the six years that I was the commander, though Irinay was harder and harder to find. This, she also explained to me. She told me that a part of her spirit was tied to the flame, but that it also had moved on in the form of a new _Natbli_ _da_ _,_ and that she would merge more and more with the new child – and that once, this would happen to me, too.

 _Pramheda_ was always to be found in the same spot, in her lab. I feared meeting Becca for the first time when I ascended, Irinay had told me stories about Becca before I became commander. During training, she would tell the novitiates what to expect and how to interact with the former commanders and she would show drawings of the City of Light.

"Lexa?" Clarke said quietly while looking at me questioning.

I shook my head brusquely, and willing my mind back into reality, "Yeah, I'm here. We have some urgent matters to attend to, Clarke!"

She cocked her head slightly, "Which one of the 100 urgent matters are you referring to, Lexa?" she said with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

I grinned, "To ascend you, Commander Clarke!"


	9. It's been 14 days

Summary:

Abby is desperate to get in touch with the Ark, Marcus doesn't know how to help her and in meanwhile Clarke needs to put her plan into motion.

* * *

Notes:

A new thing to try, I will try to write this chapter from a more narrative perspective instead of a single person, and I will be going from the bunker back to Becca's lab. It's for me to try, so give me some feedback to show me what you think!

Also... Some Clexa love. I never wrote something like that before, so feedback is appreciated!

* * *

~ … In meanwhile, in the bunker ~

* * *

"Abby, that is not going to work," Marcus said exasperatedly while leaning back in the chair that was in the far corner of the control room.

Abby gritted her teeth in annoyance while rebooting the communication system for the hundredth time, "It has to work!" The system responded with a little red light and a monotonous computer voice; 'Communication error, abort command'. Desperately she slammed her hands down on the panel, a tear erupted from the corner of her eye, "I should never have let her go back, Marcus."

Marcus stood up and walked over to Abby and put his arm over her shoulder while pulling her close to his chest, "Hey, those kids are resilient, they are high up in space, they made it to Ark. Raven is with them so they will find a way to contact us."

Abby looked up to Marcus, "But what if they didn't? What if I let her go, and she didn't make it in time? What if neither of them did?"

Marcus sighed. "Abby, it has been.. 10 days?"

"14 days," Abby corrected him, "two weeks... We haven't heard from them for TWO WEEKS."

Abby was beyond herself with grief, anger and desperation. She lost Clarke for the second time in what, one year time? The first time was already unbearable. When she learned her only daughter, the only real part of Jake, was sent to the ground, she was devastated. Abby tried everything within her power to enhance her possible survival, the bracelets, extra survival classes, but she was well aware that Clarke was on her own. She sighed, now Clarke was on her own, again, high up in the sky, on a dying Ark. 1001 things could go wrong. Abby trusted Raven more than anyone, but Raven was only one person...

Exasperated she grabbed her head and groaned, Marcus couldn't bear seeing the woman he loved like this.

"You know Abby..." Marcus pulled her in a little closer, hoping to offer her the comfort she so desperately needed, "All the systems in the ring were down. They will need to first find a way to generate oxygen, then they need to worry about growing food and generating water. I think it will be a while before Raven can get her head to fix the communication system. But she will. She did it before, Abs."

Abby nodded silently and buried her head in his chest. "I'm just so worried, Marcus. She is out there, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. IF she is still up there..."

Marcus leaned his chin on top of Abby's head and soothingly rubbed her back before a light tap on the door interrupted their moment.

"Come in."

Indra opened the door and stepped through. She respectfully nodded to Abby and Marcus, "I was hoping to find you here, dr. Griffin."

There were still a lot of tension between the grounders and Skaikru, adjusting to a small space with little to no distraction was playing parts on both sides. Skaikru felt like they had to work overtime to provide for all 1200 people, while the grounders were not able to contribute to the community because of their lack of knowledge of technology. Abby had suggested that each team took upon grounder apprentices to teach them how to work the hydro farms and air-valves as well as Skaikru. Octavia agreed and was successfully keeping the peace between all parties, but did not manage to ease all the tension. With Indra on her one side and Abby on her other side, she was doing the best she could.

"It is about Octavia, dr. Griffin." Indra said with a slightly worried expression. Indra was a master in not showing emotion, but Abby knew she developed a soft spot for Octavia. And she couldn't blame the General of Trikru, Octavia had proved her worth. Abby resented as well as praised the decision Octavia had made regarding the bunker. It had cost a lot of lives, but it had saved even more.

"What about her, Indra?" Abby responded with a raised eyebrow.

"She is not herself, doctor. She denies being in pain, she does not want anyone to think she is weak but something is off. In her sleep she is tossing in pain, clenching her stomach and sweating excessively. When she wakes up, she says everything is fine, but I have troubles to believe her – she doesn't know when to admit to something being wrong." Indra paused and raised her eyebrow, "If Octavia is not able to lead, we might face a disaster, Abby. You have to check her up."

Abby nodded, "I will, Indra. She is scheduled for a check-up next week, but I will re-schedule her for today. Can you please inform her that I expect her in medical at 16.45?"

Indra clenched her jaw, annoyed to be used as a messenger, but nodded curtly in response before marching out the door.

Abby looked at her watch, "Speaking of which, I should get to medical... Jackson started the check-ups at 10 and he expects me at 12." She threw Marcus a pleading look, "Can you please get mechanic here and work on the communication system?"

Marcus slowly shook his head in response while taking her hand, "Abby... you know we don't have enough manpower to keep the bunker running and to fix something that can wait."

"But it CAN'T wait!" Abby cried out, "They might need us, Marcus! And what if they can't reach us?" She pulled her hand away from Marcus and paced back to the control panel that still featured a red error message, "DAMN YOU." She growled to the computer before brusquely shutting it down.

Marcus sighed. "We have to put the people in here, first, Abby. There is no other way now." He tried carefully

Abby threw him a warning look, "I will NOT give up on this, Marcus. That's my child out there!" she was seething, knowing full well that Marcus was right to put the people in here first, at least they knew for sure that they were alive.

"I know, but..." Marcus knew better than to argue with Abby, though it didn't necessarily let that keep him from trying.

"No 'buts'. Neither of us is in charge here, but I am still chancellor of the Skaikru. So I want this radio fixed, pronto." With that, Abby almost stormed out of the room, leaving Marcus alone.

In the hallway Abby slowed her pace slightly, keeping her head up between all the grounders. They didn't need to know the level of distress she was in. She scanned the faces of the people that were out in the hallway, not recognizing most of them. A soft tug on her arm made Abby freeze, "Hey," a soft female voice said. She relaxed as she recognized the voice. Niylah. Despite being in the bunker at peace with all the grounders, she was still not ease between the people that were their enemy not too long ago. Niylah smiled at her in reassurance, it was a sad smile, "Any word from Clarke?"

Abby shook her head while choking back her tears, "No... The communication system is still down, we're working on fixing it." she answered curtly.

Niylah's face fell, "Oh... I hoped..."

Abby saw the disappointment on Niylah's face and regretted her tone instantly. She took her hand and squeezed it slightly, repeating the words that Marcus had told her earlier, "These kids are resilient, they will find a way to contact us. Now if you will excuse me... I have to head to medical."

Niylah rose her head slightly and looked at Abby, "Abby, I meant to ask you..." She shuffled her feet nervously, "I mean, I heard everyone is going to be an apprentice of some sort, and.. I ehh... wondered if I can become a healer apprentice." She blurted out.

Taken aback by the sudden request, Abby stared at her for a couple of seconds.

Niylah's cheeks reddened and she looked down at her feet. "I.. I understand if you rather take on someone from Skaikru, Abby." She whispered almost incoherently.

Abby shook her head and grabbed Niylah's hand, "No, no! Sorry, I have been a little distracted, but you were actually on my mind as an apprentice. I didn't get to send for people yet, it has been crazy around here."

Niylah perked up. "Really? I.. I don't know what to say."

Abby smiled at her. "Don't say anything, just come with me to medical now, and we can start the apprenticeship right away." She grinned slightly at Niylah and gave her a pat on the shoulder, "Welcome to meds!"

Niylah smiled happily in response.

As they resumed their way to medical, they heard an incoherent grunt behind them, "Natrona." (traitor)

Niylah cringed slightly and looked back to see a black figure squeezed in a dark corner. The only thing lighting up from the dark was the shape of a diamond-like scar over the face of the person.

Abby tugged her hand, "Come on, we have no time for this."

Then, footfalls of another person sounded in the hallway. "WHAT did you just say?"

The angry tone was unmistaken that of Octavia. "You shall RESPECT the chancellor of Skaikru and my friends!" She bellowed.

Abby didn't need to turn her head to imagine the icy look on Octavia's face. Frankly, Octavia scared her a bit. She knew her from the first time she was brought to her on the Ark, a sixteen-year-old girl that had seen nothing of her surroundings, that had lived under the floor. A girl that had been punished her entire life, just for being born. She felt pity for Octavia back then, she argued for Octavia to take her mothers' place on the Ark, but Jaha was unrelenting. Ocatavia's fate was to be floated the moment she turned 18, and nothing could convince him otherwise. Back then, Abby was convused about why Jaha was so persistent, later she understood his tight rein must have been about the lack of dropships.

"Indra, teik em we, lock em daun. (take him away, and lock him up) I will not tolerate bad-mouthing." Octavia snarled as she regarded the cowering man.

Indra nodded curtly and gestured for the two guards behind her to take the man. He went without a struggle and Indra marched in front of them towards the lock-up. With that, Octavia turned to Abby, "I understand you wanted to see me?" she snapped.

Still taken aback by what just happened, Abby nodded. "Ehh, yes. Your, ehh... medical exam."

Octavia raised an eyebrow and demanded, "I thought I was scheduled for next week?"

Abby regained posture and raised her shoulders, why would she be scared of Octavia? "I rescheduled you. I expect you there at 16.45." She answered curtly. Whatever game Octavia thought she was playing, Abby could play it just as well herself.

Octavia did not argue, but the glare was evident on her face. With a curt nod, she affirmed, "Alright dr. Griffin, I will see you then." Before she walked off, she turned to Niylah, "If anyone bothers you again, you come to me. I do not tolerate bullying within these dreaded walls."

Niylah nodded in response, "Thank you, Heda"

Surprise spread over Octavia's face, no one ever addressed her as Commander, technically, she wasn't. She was wearing Lexa's headpiece, though more for her own confidence than to coerce respect from anyone. She already earned that by winning the conclave. Her features softened and she nodded to Niylah before heading the opposite direction.

Abby glanced at her watch, "We have to keep going!"

Niylah nodded and followed Abby ensuite. She was excited to learn more about the medical ways of Skaikru. Clarke learned her some basics in the time she was wandering around as Wanheda, but she was eager to learn more about healing.

Octavia paced quickly through the hallway and wiped the beads of sweat off her face. It was not even close to warm in the bunker, but she often had outbreaks of cold sweat. She quickly glanced over her shoulder to make sure she was out of ear- and eye-shot of everyone before crumpling to the ground. With a gasp, she clutched her lower abdomen and panted heavily. What on earth..? She has had these episodes for the past 1,5 months, without any reason. The pain spread from her stomach down to her legs and up to her back, it felt like an electric prod that kept pulsing from within. Usually, the episodes didn't last for long, but they seemed to come more often than before. Octavia suspected it might be the aftermath from being pierced through by a sword. That Abby rescheduled her for today without her having to ask for it was a welcome change.

* * *

~ Back to Becca's lab ~

* * *

Clarke was exhausted. The trip back to the laboratory, no food or water and the responsibility for two living beings started to demand a toll. Her head was spinning and she desperately needed some sleep. Maddi didn't seem to be bothered by her predicament, she had been staring out of the window for a large part of the trip, being entertained by Lexa who would coo to her. The interaction between Maddi and Lexa entertained Clarke, though it was a painful reminder that she had only seen a small part of Lexa before she passed away. She wished fiercely that they would have more time together before...

She quickly let the thought pass her mind before Lexa could pick up on it and remembered Lexa mentioning the ascension ritual.

"Ascension, Lexa.. Can it wait until the morning?" Clarke asked before letting out a huge yawn.

The wariness was evident in both their minds, despite her need for Clarke to descend, Lexa nodded silently in agreement. "Yeah... I suppose that food, water and rest are higher on the list of priorities."

Clarke sighed relieved. "I'm glad you got your priorities straight." She mumbled before heading into the kitchen. Before she left Becca's lab, she gathered some rations and left everything there. Even though she had felt sicker than she ever due to the radiation, she did manage to set up the algae farm before she left to Polis, but wouldn't sustain her just yet.

Lexa strengthened her back. She was feeling considerably better and stronger than she did just a day ago and she was curious about the place Clarke had brought her to. Lexa never saw the inside of the Ark, but she imagined it must look something a lot like the building they were in right now. She couldn't imagine that this once belonged to Becca Pramheda, the woman that intrigued her. Lexa was surprised by the good shape the building was in, considering that Polis was entirely destroyed. Absentmindedly she brushed her fingers over the smooth surface of the countertop, curiously eyeing her surroundings. Disappointed, she noticed that there was not a lot to see, most of the space was taken up by the laboratory. In the far corner, there was a descending staircase, curious to where it might lead, she headed down.

On sub-ground level Lexa entered a den that held a bed and bathroom, it was quite evitable that Clarke was here before. Her things were piled in a corner and a used shirt was sloppily draped around the recliner. The bed was not made, some sheepskins were thrown over it and pillows were tossed to one side. The room was mostly white, with some grey accents. Despite the absence of a window, the room was surprisingly inviting. She wandered over to the bed, petting the sheepskins. With a smile on her face, Lexa imagined Clarke sleeping here, peacefully by her side. With a pang of remorse, she realized that would never be reality...

Her daydreaming was interrupted by a high-pitched wail that turned into a steady crying rhythm. Great... Lexa turned and headed back to the kitchen where she found Clarke trying to calm the crying baby while eating.

"Give her to me," Lexa said while she extended her arms to take Maddi.

With a grateful smile, Clarke complied and handed Maddi over to Lexa.

"I'm wondering..." Clarke mused in between chews, "She can see you, touch you and apparently feel you like I do. I wonder how that works."

Lexa didn't know how or what to answer, so she shrugged in response, "I don't really know Clarke." With a grin on her face she added, "Maybe you're just going crazy."

Clarke rolled her eyes in response, "Yeah, I know you think I'm crazy. But look, Becca had a whole section of medical encyclopedia's and vials, I think I found exactly what I need."

Lexa answered with a disaproving snort, so Clarke shoved the encyclopedia to Lexa, who started to read. After a few lines she was completely lost, that book didn't make the least bit sense to her. "What the hell... What are 'progesterone', 'estrogen' and..." She squinted her eyes in order to make sense of what she was reading, " 'lactogen'?"

Clarke leaned back and started to explain in between bites, "Well... You know how we get our periods every month, right?" Lexa looked up from the encyclopedia and nodded at Clarke, "Well, that is a hormonal cycle, which can be broken by getting pregnant. It's being regulated by these hormones and I think I'm exactly on the right date to start the treatment. Normally it should take a couple of weeks to induce lactation, but we don't have that time. I was thinking to start a higher dose, which in combination with a hormone complex might work within a few days."

Lexa scrunched her nose, "So you will be PMS-ing for a few weeks? That sounds... Lovely."

Clarke spat out the bite of food she was chewing in laughter and laughed heartily at Lexa's expression. "You know what, darling?" She asked while seductively running her index and middle finger along Lexa's jawline, "Pregnant women have this hormone, too. And they get very... hot."

As if on cue, Maddi giggled and looked up at Clarke while grasping Lexa's long brown hair. "Hey!" Lexa protested. "Apparently, that still hurts after death," she huffed.

Clarke chuckled and freed Lexa's hair from Maddi's curious little hands. "I think we should find you something to eat, little one. Let's see..."

Clarke rummaged through the miscellaneous of supplies she gathered and turned to Lexa and Maddi with a wide grin. "Look what I found!" She held up a package of powdered milk that read 'coffee-creamer'. "It might not be the best thing, but it's the best we can offer now. Until I can take over."

While Lexa was feeding Maddi, Clarke mixed up contents of several vials together in order to get the right dose of hormones. Triumphantly she held up a vial and mumbled with a grin, "That should do it."

Lexa looked at the vial with some disapproval, and then looked back at Maddi, who finished her dinner in meantime and was contently sleeping in her arms. It worried Lexa that Clarke was injecting herself with stuff that was way beyond her head. In Lexa's mind, only bad things came from syringes and vials. She met with Lincoln after he was cured of being a reaper and he explained to her how exactly he became a reaper. Of what Lexa understood, it had everything to do with syringes and sketchy vials. She was disgusted by the mountain-men for doing this to her people. During her rendezvous with Lincoln she constantly had to hide her disgust and anger, she was constantly composing herself to remain the leader that her people needed her to be, but inside she was scared as well as fuming with rage.

Her thoughts also reflected in Clarke's mind, "Don't worry, Lexa, it won't turn me into a reaper or something."

She huffed at the invasion of her mind's privacy, "It better not..." It was hard for Lexa not to be alone in her mind anymore, but if she had to pick one person to share a mind with, it was Clarke. And it was a two-way thing.

Clarke pulled some of the vial's contents in a syringe and quickly injected it in her abdomen. "See, all done. No reaper." She added with a grin. "Now, if you give me Maddi... I will put her to sleep in a room next to ours." Clarke felt the slight emotions of worry echo from Lexa's mind into her own. She answered them with a smile and reached out to kiss Lexa before taking Maddi carefully from her arms. "I swear, there is nothing to worry about," she whispered into Lexa's lips.

Lexa nodded silently. She was not just worried about Clarke, she was also worried about what was happening to herself – because, who would take care of Clarke, be there by her side and love her if she couldn't? She needed to speak to Irinay as fast as she could, and that would only be possible through the flame, which was not yet linked to all the previous commanders and wouldn't be until Clarke officially ascended. Lexa sighed and tried to put her worries from her mind. Clarke extended her hand to her and smiled. "Are you coming, Heda?" Lexa smiled back and took her hand, "With you, always."

Together they headed downstairs and put a sleeping Maddi down on a large bed in the room attached to the bedroom that Clarke had claimed previously. They both kissed her goodnight before looking at each other.

Clarke took Lexa's face in her hand and kissed her passionately while finding Lexa's hand with her other hand to guide her into their room. "You worry too much, Heda", she whispered seductively, "let me take your mind off your worries and let me make you worry about something much more important."

Lexa gasped in response when she realised where Clarke was going with this. Eagerly she grasped Clarke's hand and answered the kiss hungrily with passion.

Clarke grinned and pushed Lexa down on the bed, "This is your last chance as rightful commander, Heda." She said menacingly while leaning on her hands with her face just hovering above Lexa's. Clarke stared deep into Lexa's green eyes, remembering how she mourned the loss of Lexa and how meeting her again in the City of Lights brought her hope. She felt lucky that fate allowed them to share this moment here and without a second thought, she fully opened her mind to Lexa, letting all the emotions pour out.

In response, Lexa locked her hands behind Clarke's neck and pulled her closer to her body so she could whisper in her ear, "My spirit choose wisely, Klark kom Skaikru, but even when you ascend, I will be your rightful Heda." she put extra stress on 'heda', causing Clarke to shudder slightly in response. Satisfied with the response of her lover, she decided to experiment a little with their mind-link, thinking about all the things she could do with her body. Clarke's sentiment was not lost on her, the opposite. She just didn't want to think about all the things that could possibly happen so she decided to focus on other issues at hand.

Clarke gasped in response and almost collapsed on Lexa. Satisfied with the effect, Lexa grinned and leaned forward to softly bite Clarke's ear "I didn't know it would be that easy," she breathed in her ear.

Clarke lowered her body and moved slightly to Lexa's side in order not to crush her, "it isn't, commander," she whispered hoarsely. Passionately she locked her lips over Lexa's and kissed her while sharing her emotions, her longing for Lexa and the pain of losing her simultaneously were taking them to an emotional height. She locked her hands around Lexa's neck to draw her in even closer, caressing her face with her thumb. She felt a tear erupt from Lexa's eye and wiped it away with her thumb without breaking the kiss. It was a moment of passion, emotion and connection which she didn't want to break, ever.

The one time they had spent in the commander's quarters seemed a lifetime ago. For Lexa, it was an actual lifetime ago, to Clarke, it was a memory that kept her going. It kept her sane to know that Lexa had loved her, it gave her hope when she found Lexa again in the City of Lights and the mere thought of Lexa kept her alive when she was struggling to hold on after the radiation had hit her.

Clarke moved her hand under the shirt that clung to Lexa's body to push it down, exploring her body and caressing her breast without letting go of her mouth. Lexa gasped and squirmed slightly at the touch, Clarke responded by deepening the kiss and pinning her down, "you're not going anywhere, Commander," she whispered under her breath.

Lexa let one hand slide of Clarke's neck and let it roam down, in attempt to push Clarke's shirt down. The shirt wouldn't quite budge, which caused Lexa to let out a growl under her breath.

"Hmm, what was that, commander?" Clarke whispered to her lips. "Frustration?" She grinned and tilted her head slightly so she could look at Lexa's face. Her face was perfect, Lexa's green eyes bore into her own with a sparkle of lust, her cheeks slightly flushed because of her arousal and her lips puffy from the recent assault. It was all that Clarke needed, she didn't care a damn in the world that Lexa was not here physically, she was here and she was hers.

Lexa took the opportunity of Clarkes's musing to rip her shirt open in one swift movement. Satisfied with the result, she grinned. "Not anymore, Wanheda." Hungrily she eyed Clarke and hooked her hand behind her neck, pulling her back to her lips to kiss her. All the time Lexa had spent alone, in the fallen City of Lights, after Costia's brutal murder and the hardest one... After she betrayed Clarke at the mountain. Those emotions made her want to hold Clarke to her, showing her that she wasn't alone.

Clarke lowered her upper body and locked Lexa under her body while answering the kiss. Softly, she bit Lexa's lower lip and started to pepper kisses on her jawline and down to her throat, while seductively moving down. Lexa arched her back at Clarke's touch and caressed her hair while Clarke kept moving down, kissing and nipping the hollow of her neck. "Holy fuck, Clarke," Lexa groaned in extacy. Her hands were down at Lexa's breast, massaging in soft circles. Her mouth followed, exploring her skin with nibbles and kisses, without warning she latched onto her breast, sucking softly and exploring her nipple with her tongue. Lexa gasped and bucked her hips at the intensity of the touch, which caused Clarke to suck just a little bit more vigorously. She wanted Clarke to move down to where she needed her the most, Clarke had slightly different plans.

Lexa's wanton lust was not lost on Clarke, she eyed the Commander while she slowly moved her mouth over Lexa's sternum, caressing her chest while moving her mouth the next victim. She touched the skin lightly with her lips, breathing and causing goosebumps on Lexa's skin while peppering soft kisses around the other nipple. Softly, she latched onto her other breast and flicked her nipple with her tongue. Lexa scraped Clarke's scalp in response while she arched her back in pleasure. If her physical response wouldn't be sufficient, Clarke could feel Lexa's arousal through her mind and picked up the pace while slowly grazing one hand down to Lexa's centre.

With a swift movement, she unbuttoned the barrier of her final stop with one hand and caressed Lexa's side with her other hand. Lexa was breathing heavily under her touch, "Please, Clarke..." Lexa was gasping for air, her core felt like it was on fire while Clarke was slowly torturing her.

Clarke wanted to explore and experience, the flustered face of her lover pleasured her and she wanted to make the most out of it. Clarke grinned at the effectiveness of her touch and shared a brief memory of when it was her, begging for Lexa, "I don't take commands from you, commander..." She whispered in Lexa's ear before biting her earlobe softly. Excruciating slow she resumed her way down, kissing around Lexa's bellybutton and massaging her sides. With her tongue she teased the abs on her underbelly, which caused Lexa to dig her fingernails in Clarke's skull and to pant heavily.

Clarke paused for a moment when she reached the band from the already unbuttoned slacks Lexa was wearing, "Let's lose this, shall we?" She hooked her fingers in the band of the pants and Lexa silently complied by lifting up her ass, giving Clarke a good view of her tensed abs. Content with the view, Clarke pulled it down ever so slowly, exploring each inch of newly exposed skin on Lexa's legs and completely ignoring the part where Lexa wanted her so desperately.

"Please Clarke, ai beja daun," Lexa panted.

"Nah-uh, Heda, your time of 'beja ai daun' has past," Clarke whispered while following the path down Lexa's leg. With her fingertips, she grazed the skin on the inside of her thigh and kissed the skin while seductively staring at Lexa. Lexa thought she was going to explode, looking at Clarke's skyblue eyes made her even hotter than she already was. To Clarke, Lexa's legs felt smooth like a new-born baby's skin, there were no abrasions, marks or scars in sight. She could feel Lexa reaching a high, and as a distraction she softly bit the inside of her thigh, causing Lexa to yelp softly.

"Not so fast, Heda," Clarke said with a grin, "I'm not through with you, not just yet."

Clarke swiftly pulled down her own leather trousers, keeping the panties she was wearing underneath on and teasingly positioned herself on top of Lexa.

With meticulous precision she started to massage her calves, moving slowly down to her feet, offering Lexa a good view of her ass. Lexa was uttering moans of pleasure simultaneously with growls of frustration, she ground against Clarke's leg, trying to create friction for the release she needed so desperately, but Clarke had her pinned down tightly. Clarke was a master in massaging and the tingles of pleasure were spreading from her touch into her core. Clarke could feel her arousal and decided to tease her just a little bit more.

She turned around and levelled her face with Lexa's, "How does that feel, Heda?" She purred in her ear. Lexa brought her hand up and brushed a strand of blond hair from Clarke's face, "That feels... Amazing..." She breathed.

Clarke grinned and leaned in to kiss her, swirling her tongue seductively until it locked with hers. Simultaneously she moved her hand down to where she knew Lexa would want it most and softly started to circle her clit, causing Lexa to buck her hips and gasp in her mouth. Clarke pulled away from the kiss and moved all the way down, kissing her most sensitive spot while finding a rhythm with her fingers. Lexa moaned, she arched her back in pleasure and grasped the side of the bed in order not to lose herself. It didn't take long before Clarke hit the sweet spot with her tongue, Lexa gasped and Clarke felt her muscles contract around her fingers. She let Lexa ride out her orgasm easily while she felt the blissful happiness that Lexa experienced. She peppered kisses around her thighs and let a panting Lexa come down from her high. She sighed and crawled up next to Lexa, who eagerly pulled her into her arms and kissed her, tasting the sweetness of her own arousal. She locked her legs around her lover and rolled her over, pinning her to the bed. "Make no mistake, Clare, I will always be your commander," she whispered in her ear. "I will also always be yours."

* * *

I am curious to your thoughts and comments!


	10. Ascension day

~ Lexa ~

I wrapped my arms around Clarke's body and pulled her back to my chest, kissing her shoulder and leaned my head against her. The sweet scent that radiated from her body almost gave me a new high, she was like my own personal brand of heroin.

She stirred upon my touch and without opening her touch she whispered, "Don't ever leave me, Lexa," her voice still thick with sleep.

I smiled in response. Being here with her made me forget my own predicament. "I have sworn fealty to you in my last life, I swear fealty to you now, Clarke kom Skaikru," I softly breathed in her ear.

She nodded in response and her content echoed in my mind. I felt her mind heavy with sleep and I kissed her temple, "Sleep, my love. Tomorrow will be a new day."

She drifted off swiftly. With her in my arms, I couldn't find sleep myself as fast. Silently I mused about our ordeal while watching her chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm. Some things of my last life, I resented. But I never resented falling in love with Clarke. Her words, ' _don't we deserve better than that?'_ Long echoed through my head. After what happened to Costia, I couldn't let another person I love fall victim to me. I accepted that I was the embodiment of my people, that it was to be my fate to be and die alone. I found consolation in my fate by bringing peace to others. By making sure that my people didn't have to suffer for me.

I knew that I basically only existed in her mind, because of the flame, but everything felt so real. And I mused about the fact that I could exist without actually being there. Slowly I, too drifted off to a dreamless sleep, holding the girl I love close to me.

When I woke the following next morning, I actually felt rested. For some reason, I felt stronger and more vital – which was weird. Clarke was still sleeping, in her sleep, she had turned and wrapped her arm tightly around my waist, I felt her warm and steady breathing in my neck. Carefully not to wake her, I turned around, so I could hold her. My stirring caused her to smile in her sleep, she tightened her grip on my waist without waking up. I kissed her temple and wondered what made her smile.

I closed my eyes and reached out for Clarke's mind. It had become easier for me to do so, and I was quickly sucked into her dream. I didn't recognize the place Clarke was dreaming about, but it looked like some kind of tropical beach. I saw myself sitting in the sand on the shore, with my feet in the water and my back towards her. It was weird seeing myself, but I realized I was watching Clarke's dream from her perspective and just relaxed. Clarke walked up to my projection through the heavy sand, the dream Lexa must've heard her nearing because she turned her head and greeted her with a warm smile. Clarke felt slightly warm inside and she marvelled over my beauty, wondering how she ever got this lucky. As she neared me, I saw streaks on my face that had never been there, streaks of old age, wariness of time.

"Mom!" Clarke turned her head towards the tree-line, where the call came from. "Móóóóóóóm!" It sounded again, more impatient this time.

Clarke shook her head and a small grin appeared on her face, "By the shore, Madi." She answered calmly.

A young, beautiful woman came barging through the tree-line. She was about my age when I died. Her green eyes were bright and her blonde hair was tied back in a simple pony-tail.

" _Finally,"_ The woman said exaggerating exasperated as she rolled her eyes.

With a shock, I realized Clarke was dreaming about a future. A happy future, one where Maddi was growing up and one where I would be at her side.

A piercing cry rudely disturbed the moment. All the images in Clarke's head became blurry and I realized the cry was Madi's, who had woken up. As Clarke woke up, she groggily smiled at me.

"Goodmorning, _Heda_ ," she half yawned, half said while she stretched her arms above her head and exposed her breast.

"Goodmorning, commander," I replied softly. "It's ascension day today."

She wrinkled her nose slightly, but another cry from the other room made her sigh and she pulled herself up, "I guess so."

She let herself slip out of bed and walked into Madi's room, I followed her. Maddi's room was just through the door and it was a smaller version of the room we had occupied. In the middle stood a large double bed in which we had rolled up some blankets so she wouldn't fall from the bed. She saw us come in and we were greeted with a pair of big green eyes, looking at us questioningly.

I leaned over the edge of the bed and I kissed Madi's forehead, "Goodmorning, baby," I whispered to her. Clarke lowered herself on the bed and took Madi in her arms. I nestled myself next to Clarke and together we took a moment to look at Madi. The moment she was in Clarke's arms, she was calm and content, staring at us. That fuzzy feeling of happiness that Clarke felt in her dreams made me smile.

"That was a nice dream, Clarke," I said as I took her hand in mine. I wished and hoped that that could be our future.

Clarke looked surprised, "You could see that?"

I nodded in response, "I hope that, someday, we will be like that. Actually, today I am feeling stronger and oddly enough, more like my old self."

Clarke took a long look at me and ran her fingertips over the bicep that was once adorned with a tattoo. The tattoo I got when I became Anya's second. I sighed. That was still gone...

"Lexa?" I looked up at Clarke, "What about your ascension tattoo? Is it still there?"

I hesitated. Honestly, I didn't know because I couldn't see my back, but I had avoided all the mirrors in the house, afraid of the truth, "I don't know Clarke."

With one hand Clarke gently pushed me so I was leaning forward. With Madi occupying her one hand, she lifted my nightgown with other and ran her hand gently over my spine. I heard a sigh of relief and I felt her following the traces of the design with her finger, as she had done the first time she saw it. "It's fading, but it's still here," she whispered. She kissed my spine and lowered my gown. I sighed in relief and leaned back against her again. She looked at me, "Why do you think that this one is still there, Lexa?"

I shrugged in response. "I... I don't know. Frankly, I hope Irinay can and will explain it to you today." Clarke nodded silently, "Let's do this, shall we?"

I looked at Madi and back at Clarke. "You know what? If you take care of her, I will set up what we need and we can start as soon as she is asleep."

Clarke nodded, "That sounds good, besides, I have some medical business to attend to."

I raised a brow but decided not to comment any further on that matter.

There would be a couple of things I needed, of which I hoped I would find them in or around the lab. I needed supplies to recreate a sacred circle to perform the ascension in, problem was that there would be no way for me to carve it in the floor, so I needed something to draw with. Becca's lab looked surreal to me, there were many things around that held no meaning to me whatsoever and it started to get me frustrated. I knew emotion triggered the mind link that I shared with Clarke, but I was unaware she sensed my emotion until she literally stepped into my mind to help me search for what I needed. When she understood I needed something to draw, she led me to sticks that read 'marker' on the side and assured me that would definitely do. The couple of days we had spent made the link stronger and more controllable, I felt her presence linger, even though she was absorbed in her own activities right now.

The next mission was to find candles. My hopes were pinned on Becca liking them as much as I did, but the lab hardly looked like the setting. Everything was lit with bright electrical light. I decided to try my luck in the supply basement, it wasn't long before I found a large storage container that read 'candles'. "Thank you, Becca," I mumbled to myself. I took what I needed before heading to the room I prepared for the ritual.

For the ritual, we both needed purification, seeing as I was no flamekeeper. And with nothing to rely on besides the experience of my own ascension, I went with my memories. I ascended in a sacred place, the temple in Polis. The temple had a carved circle with all the sacred symbols in the middle.

The room I found and intended to use was bare, apart from the small table that was standing in the corner as a silent witness. I started with the candles, putting them out in order to illuminate the room enough for the ritual but without over-lighting it. The remaining candles I would utilize for our room since I despised the harshness of the artificial light that was currently dominating the vibe.

After I had drawn the circle and the sacred symbols, I stood by the side to appraise my work. I had to admit that it looked pretty good. Now, the purification. I went back up to the kitchen part, Clarke had moved to the recliner in the far corner and was sitting with Madi, who had fallen asleep. I observed them from a small distance, she didn't notice me because she was talking to a small square device.

"Bellamy, Raven, if I will ever get to send this to you, it's been 15 days since Praimfaya. I think I will find a way to reach you, if you guys made it to the Ark safely. If... I was on time." Her voice faltered with guilt when she said that, I even felt the guilt wash over me. I walked up to her to see a tear appear in her eye, "I'm okay though, even if I wouldn't have survived Praimfaya, I would be okay knowing that I tried everything within my power to save you – all of you. May we meet again." She lowered the device and looked at me, a tear silently rolled down her cheek. "Did I really try hard enough, Lexa?" She whispered with a broken voice.

She was grieving over the loss of her friends, not knowing if they reached safety and it was eating her up.

I softly brushed the tear from her cheek, "You did everything you possibly could, Clarke. I am sure that your friends are fine."

She nodded while staring emptily at the wall behind me. "Is everything ready?" She asked in a hollow voice.

"Yes, we can start the purification ritual and we will be done by the time she wakes up."

Clarke nodded silently in response, "I will put her in our bed."

Slowly and careful not to disturb the sleeping infant, she got up and headed for the door. I followed her. After she put Madi down she turned to me. "Lead the way, Heda. "

I smiled de took her hand, "This way, Wanheda."

I lead her to the bathroom attached to our bedroom. The bathtub was already filled up and the steam carried a radiant scent because of the leaves I added. I took both her hands and gently tugged so she got down on her knees. I slid the robe she was wearing down her shoulders, leaving her bare in front of me. I slid off my own robe and kneeled in front of her before taking her hands into mine. " _Ogeda_ _._ "

She looked up at me and nodded, "Together."

" _Deyon_ _oso_ _gid_ _em_ _op_ _kon_ _keryon_ _kom_ _Heda_ _hashta_ _mema_ _in_ _gyonplei_ _kom_ _foutaim_ _Heda_ _. Deyon,_ _oso_ _gid_ _em_ _op_ _kon_ _yu_ _gyonplei_ _,_ _Klarke_ _kom_ _Skaikru_ _._ " (Today we celebrate the spirit of the Commander by remembering the ascension of the past commanders. Today, we celebrate your ascension, Clarke of the Skypeople.)

In silence, Clarke bowed her head at me in respect. I remembered the first time I laid eyes on her. A blonde girl in my tent. I was infuriated by her actions, which was amplified by the lack of respect she showed me. Every fiber in my body was screaming at me to kill her, but a small part in my mind pleaded me not to kill her. A small part of my mind confused me with a sort of _liking_ for this girl. There was something about her then, that reminded me of Costia. If she hadn't, we would not have been where we were now. And I was proud of her, proud of who she had become to survive and proud of the person she is.

Together, we rose and stepped into the tub. The herbs I added to the water made our eyes tear slightly and gave a tingly sensation in our noses. I picked up a soft cloth and started to wash her back, caressing every inch of skin there was to touch, cleaning every bit of history of the past few weeks from her. She was relaxing under my touch. After I was done with her back I turned her around, meeting her eyes. She reached out to my face and touched my cheek like the time we met again in the city of light. Only this time, the fear in her eyes made place for love and trust.

"I told you, my spirit would choose wisely," I said while putting my hand over hers.

"You did tell me, and I always believed in it, just not that _I_ would be the wise choice." She hesitated for a second before she resumed, "Especially not after Gaia almost ascended me and stopped after hearing _how_ I became a natblida. I just believed that your spirit would not choose me... You know, we experimented on a - supposedly 'bad' guy with nightblood, he didn't survive the test. Do you know why I chose to experiment with nightblood on myself?"

I had a clue about why she must have done it, but I was shocked to hear that she had been willing to give up her own life for a hunch.

She looked up to meet my eyes, "I was willing to give up my life for the slightest chance that I could be with you again. I was so close and then..." her voice broke when she recalled the moment Gaia refused to give her the Flame.

"Hey, shhh. That time is past, Clarke. You _are_ worthy of the flame – you have proven to be since you weren't even born a natblida and by some miracle, you even overcame your own blood to prove your worth. If you can beat an ultimate obstacle, you can beat anything. You are the rightful _Heda_ _,_ Klarke kom Skaikru."

I picked up the cloth again and carefully cleaned the black streaks on her face, left by the pollution outside and digging through the rubble in order to find Madi. She was observing me silently and I felt her presence in my mind. I smiled reassuringly at her continued down her shoulders and abdomen. Clarke had put herself on rationing, and she was using up her reserves quite severely. I could see and feel the deterioration of her body. Her core was strong and her abdominal muscles were becoming more pronounced, but I could also see that the strain was demanding a toll on her body. The wound she had on her side was not properly healing, the tissue was not regenerating due to the lack of nutrients she was suffering. Her body was working overtime now that it was also being pushed to provide nutrition for another human being. Those changes were also visible. Her breasts were growing and more sensitive to touch, I was still hesitant about her doing this. But on the other hand, we were out of options. The milk-like solution we had found was not providing enough nutrients for the infant and it was leaving her hungry. Moreover, it was not enough to last another week.

After I finished, Clarke took the cloth from my hands. She turned me around and mimicked the movements, cleaning my back with small circles, caressing every inch of skin. I remembered my own ascension, it was not half as pleasurable. Titus performed the purification meticulously, but harsh. The injuries I had sustained during my conclave were not avoided, not to mention the awkwardness of having to present my body to the teacher I had known my whole life.

After she had finished cleaning my body, I tended to her hair. I braided it back in an elaborated style while I just tied mine back with a simple braid.

" _Ogud_ _,_ " (ready) I said as I appraised my work.

We stepped out of the tub, I dried Clarke before I dried myself, I took her hand to lead her to the room I had prepared. We passed through our bedroom, where I took the sheepskin that was stained with my blood in order to embody my past physique.

We entered the room, and I placed the sheepskin in the middle of the circle.

"Please take place, Clarke." I said in the formal fashion of a Commander.

She knelt down on the skin and I took my place opposite of her.

I extended my hand to take hers while I picked up a knife.

"Clarke, repeat after me; ' _Oso tai_ _aftaim_ _au_ _foutaim_ _Heda_ _choda_ _op_ _kom_ _jus._ _Giv_ _ai_ _up noun_ _kom_ _aftaim_ _, den_ _oso_ _hed_ _op_ _mou_ _gon_ _Heda_ _kom_ _foutaim_ _._ _Giv_ _ai_ _op_ _kom_ _aftaim_ _Heda_ _. Ai_ _badan_ _klin_ _spek_ _daun_ _au_ _koma_ _op_ _yu_ _,_ _ai_ _giv_ _yu_ _ai_ _. Ai_ _giv_ _ai_ _op_ _gon_ _nemiyon_ _kom_ _jus. Ai_ _beja_ _yu_ _daun_ _,_ _aftaim_ _Heda_ _kom_ _jus,_ _teik_ _ai_ _givness_ _in_.' "

(Here we tie the past and future commander in blood. Enlight me with the knowledge of the past, so I can do the best to lead as commander in the future. Enlight me, past commanders, I vow to honor and respect you, I give you myself. I give in to the miracle of the blood. Please, past commanders of the blood, accept my sacrifice.)

Clarke flinched slightly when I gently cut the palm of her hand and repeated the phrase while her blood dripped down on the sheepskin, merging with my old blood.

" _Oso tai_ _aftaim_ _au_ _foutaim_ _Heda_ _choda_ _op_ _kom_ _jus._ _Giv_ _ai_ _up noun_ _kom_ _aftaim_ _, den_ _oso_ _hed_ _op_ _mou_ _gon_ _Heda_ _kom_ _foutaim_ _._ _Giv_ _ai_ _op_ _kom_ _aftaim_ _Heda_ _. Ai_ _badan_ _klin_ _spek_ _daun_ _au_ _koma_ _op_ _yu_ _,_ _ai_ _giv_ _yu_ _ai_ _. Ai_ _giv_ _ai_ _op_ _gon_ _nemiyon_ _kom_ _jus. Ai_ _beja_ _yu_ _daun_ _,_ _aftaim_ _Heda_ _kom_ _jus,_ _teik_ _ai_ _givness_ _in_."

After she finished the rite, a surge ran through her spine and she gasped. She threw her head back in her neck and stared blankly at the ceiling while clutching my hand tightly. My mind was automatically sucked into her consciousness, everything around us was going too fast to comprehend. It was like spinning through a blur of colors, everything merged together before either of us could make sense of it.

After a while, the spinning slowed down. Around us, the colors formed blurry silhouettes of people who formed a circle around us. The experience was very different from my previous ascension experience. Back then, I appeared in the City of Light and was lead to a room by Irinay where I met all the previous commanders one by one.

" _Monin,_ _brana_ _Heda_ _, au_ _monin_ _hou_ _Leksa_ _kom_ _Trikru_ _." (_ Welcome, new Commander, and welcome back Lexa kom Trikru)

We turned to the speaking silhouette, Clarke tensed and squeezed my hand. With everything still blurry, it was hard to make out faces, making this experience intimidating. But this was a face I recognized out of thousands. Irinay. She was the last commander before me and I had been her second until she was called upon to lead our people. Her red hair and imposing build were easily intimidating, but her voice was soft and amiable.

" _Chon_ _yu_ _bilaik_ _?_ " Irinay asked, facing Clarke.

" _Ai_ _laik_ _Klarke_ _,_ _kom_ _Skaikru_ _._ " She responded.

Irinay recoiled, taken by surprise. A murmur rose from the circle, Skaikru was not recognized by the past commanders. I could feel a mixture of surprise, anger, curiosity, and disapproval from their minds.

I raised my hand while standing protectively in front of Clarke, " _Noumou_ _._ " I said with the air and authority that fitted a true commander. Recognizing my authority, the murmurs died down. "As last Commander of the blood I recognize the legitimacy of Skaikru, I initiated them in _my_ coalition, Clarke is a _Natblida_ , like any of you!"

One of the past commanders stepped forward, a small guy. I recognized his face, he was one of the very first commanders, Marcellus.

"Speak. Lexa kom Trikru. How is it that an outsider is ascending? She was not born like us, she cannot _be_ like us."

Before I could answer, he was cut off. Becca Pramheda stepped into the circle and walked up to Clarke.

"Welcome back, Clarke." She said with a smile, "I knew I would meet you here again. You have great potential, and with the right guidance you will achieve great things."

Becca turned to the previous commanders that formed the circle around us, "Clarke is more like me than she is like you. She is special and has proven that she is worthy of the blood, more than once. Her actions saved humanity when the City of Light fell. Truth is that we have to rebuild a home from nothing, but we will overcome that. Just as we have overcome extinction before." Becca turned back to face Clarke and welcomed her in Trigedasleng like she had me and all the others before me, " _Monin_ _Heda_ _,_ _monin_ _Klarke_ _kom_ _Skaikru_ _,_ _Heda_ _kom_ _jus."_ _(Welcome commander, welcome Clarke of the_ _Skypeople_ _, Commander of the blood)_

The faces that made up the circle suddenly became sharp, showing the faces of the past commanders as they bowed their head to Clarke, " _Monin_ _Heda_ _,_ _monin_ _Klarke_ _kom_ _Skaikru_ _,_ _Heda_ _kom_ _jus."_ It echoed around us.

Becca turned to Clarke, "Clarke, will you swear fealty to the flame and will you swear to act with all the right intentions for our people?"

Clarke nodded and bent down on one knee, "Becca Pramheda, it is my honor to swear fealty to the flame, as Commander I swear to act with the best intentions on behalf of all our people. I ask your guidance and accept the responsibility that comes with carrying the flame. I ask of you to guide me, as you all have guided before. I ask you to share your knowledge, so I can lead our people best."

The past commanders had their eyes locked on Clarke. Now that the hostility had subsided due to Becca, my anxiousness made place for pride. I looked around the circle and found Irinay's eyes, she sent me an apologetic look before turning her eyes back to Clarke. A small knot formed in my stomach as I pondered about the hidden meaning.

Irinay always had a way of speaking to me without using words. Back when we were fighting side by side, the silent warnings served a clear purpose. Now, I was not quite sure what it meant, or if I even wanted to know.

Becca extended her arm to Clarke and helped her up. "Welcome, _Heda_ _._ Now that the Flame is officially a part of you, it is time to get familiar with those that came before you." She led Clarke to where the circle started, the first commander after Becca. I knew from experience that the introduction ceremony was going to take some time, which I planned to use to find out more about my own predicament.

I had been so focused on Clarke that I failed to take my environment in. The moment I did, I regretted it. I shuddered. We were back at the pitch-black nothingness, the nothingness that I feared so much. Irinay noticed my response and bent down slightly so she could whisper, "Yes, this is what we have left after the City of Light fell. This is your rightful place, too, Lexa."

I jerked my head upwards to meet her eyes. "Wait, you are telling me that I am to _stay_ here?" I whispered in horror.

Irinay let her eyes wander between my shocked face and Clarke, who was absorbed in her introduction ceremony.

"You love her..." She said slowly. It sounded more like an accusation than like a statement.

I straightened my posture and locked my jaw, "Yes, I love her. And made a promise to her that I can't break... This time."

Disapproval was evident in Irinay's eyes, "Lexa, you know your place is here. You are no longer a part of the other world – no matter what you have promised."

"Irinay... Do you know how the world is? Do you know what she has to face?"

Irinay pulled an eyebrow up, unimpressed. "We all faced hardships when we became Commanders. You know it, and I know it. No one ever had a past Commander walking by their side in the real world, it is our way and you know that too."

I sighed. "Praimfaya happened. Clarke is a lone survivor while our people are underground and in the sky."

Irinay gasped and looked at with her eyes opened wide, drawing the attention of the others close by.

I didn't take notice of their staring as I continued to explain, "The world as we left it, is gone. Clarke sacrificed her own life to save her friends and one of Skaikru sacrificed her own to save all of us. Our people are in a bunker under the ground and some are up in the sky, where Clarke came from. She needs someone in this world."

Irinay pondered for a short minute. "Lexa..." She started slowly, "You know the consequences, right? You know I am here on borrowed time?" She made a gesture around the whole circle, "we all are. And..." She grabbed my arm to inspect the tattoo that once adorned my upper arm, "soon, you are too."

I swallowed a lump from my throat. "Wh-what does that mean?"

"Do you still have your ascension tattoo?"

"Yes...?"

She nodded curtly. "It will disappear once your spirit is reborn. And from then on, you will become weaker. A child will be born with your spirit, and when it does, you will feel pulls on your consciousness, as if you're existing in two places at once. Once the child is fully conscious, you will not be able to exist in two places at once anymore, you will fully merge with the child. You will still be able to come here and to advise the new Commander, but when your spirit merged with the child you will no longer be Lexa kom Trikru, the child – you, will not know that you ever were."

It felt like the air was sucked from my lungs and my chest tightened in terror as I managed to choke out, "Ho-How long does that take, approximately?

Irinay shrugged. "It depends.. Usually, children are completely conscious at the age of 4. A part of you will always be tied to the flame, though. Becca calls it a kind of back-up."

I wanted to ask her many more things, but in meanwhile Clarke had almost completed her round of introduction. The atmosphere was slightly tense and uncomfortable amongst prior Commanders – I suspected that had something to do with the destruction of the City of Light, and the part Clarke and I had in it.

Clarke herself was unaware of this and introduced herself to Irinay, next to me. Irinay smiled at her and gave her an approving look. She introduced herself to Clarke and ended her introduction with "..But I'm sure Lexa told you about me."

Clarke nodded politically and shot a look to Becca, who continued to me.

"And last in the line of commanders, Lexa kom Trikru – but I think you two know each other better than I know either of you." She added with a soft smile.

Clarke extended her hand to me and I took it. When she looked at me I saw the unease in her eyes. I squeezed her arm slightly, to let her know she was not alone. We exchanged looks, neither of us needed words to express our thoughts. We needed to get away from here and fast.

Becca turned to me, "Lexa, you may take your rightful place in line of Commanders. _Yu_ _gonplei_ _ste_ _odon_ _._ "

Upon those words, Clarke clutched my arm tighter. Panic was washing over her and reflecting in my mind when she put the words in perspective, "Becca? What do you mean by that?"

Calm and collected Becca turned to Clarke, "It means that you are now the rightful _Heda_ _._ Now that you are officially ascended, Lexa's place is here. Her time in the real world is past."

"Like hell it is!" Clarke shouted angrily.

"Clarke.." Becca's tone was pleading as well as warning, the circle of Commanders was closing in, waiting for Becca to give an order. Briefly, I met Irinay's eyes, " _Now or never"_ she mouthed.


	11. Octavia

~ In meanwhile, in the bunker ~

Abby looked down at her watch. Slightly annoyed she noticed it was 17.13 and Octavia still didn't show. She might be the most important person around now, but she was not above the rules of respect.

"Meryll?" a young girl from Trishanakru jumped up.

"Yes?"

"Can you get Octavia here, _please?_ "

Meryll nodded and ran off immediately.

The quarters of Trikru were not far from med-bay, and it took Meryll five minutes to get there. When she arrived, she hesitated before entering the deserted dorms. She knew very well that she was not supposed to be there – not even on Abby's orders. She hoped fiercely that no one would see her. Silently, she tiptoed towards the far end of the dorms, where _Heda's_ quarters are. From behind the curtains, she heard a loud moan. Startled, she jumped up in the air.

"Shhhhh." The hushing sounded from behind the curtain.

Merylls heart was pounding in her throat, she took a sharp intake of breath and scrambled all her courage together and carefully drew the edge of the curtain aside.

"H-hello?" her voice faltered slightly, revealing her fear.

Before she could set a foot in Octavia's quarters, she was yanked past the curtain.

"Ow!" Meryll yelped in fear and shock.

"SHH!" A hand covered her mouth and she stared in two bright blue eyes who darted anxiously back and forth her gaze and the person lying curled up in the bed.

Meryll nodded in understanding and the boy withdrew his hand. The boy was about the same age as Meryll, she estimated. The knotted tattoo on his upper arm told her he was a part of Trikru.

Not giving her any attention, he darted back to the bed and wetted a rag to tend to the person lying there.

"I-is that Octa – _Heda?"_ Meryll stammered.

The boy nodded without taking his eyes off her, continuing to sponge the forehead of their leader.

Meryll gathered her wits and stepped closer. Octavia's eyes were closed and drops of sweat beaded down her neck and on her forehead while she was clutching her stomach violently. Meryll's eyes opened wide at the sight of Octavia. Octavia didn't even seem to notice her presence.

Forgetting her place entirely, she yanked the boy's shoulder, "Did you tell anyone?" She whispered.

The boy shook his head, "Of course not. I'm not looking for a war underground." He hissed in response.

"Good. I'm getting the doctor." Meryll turned towards the exit but was quickly yanked back.

"No!" His grip around her wrist was tight, almost painful and the look in his eyes a mixture of anxiousness and determination.

She yanked her arm back to loosen his grip, "Do you want her to _die?"_ She hissed.

He dropped her hand and slowly shook his head as a tear erupted from the corner of his eye, "of course not.."

"Then trust me."

He nodded and Meryll quickly slipped past the curtain. She quickened her pace and ran back to the med-bay, only to be yelled at that 'hallways are not a playground' by by-passers. She ignored them and ran as quickly as her legs could carry her back to Abby.

"Abby!" She panted as she ran into med-bay, "It is... Octavia" she rushed her words to fill Abby in as quickly as she could. Abby turned white and ordered Jackson to take over her appointments.

"Niylah!" Abby called, "Get rags, and take my supply kit to Trikru quarters, _now._ "

Niylah nodded and quickly started to gather up first aid supplies while Meryll grabbed Abby's hand, "Come!"

Abby followed Meryll but held her back slightly, "We can't raise suspicion, Meryll. Why don't you run ahead and take her temperature with this?" She whispered while pushing a thermometer in her hand. Meryll nodded and took it before she rushed off to the Trikru dorms.

Abby's head was racing with possible scenarios about Octavia's condition. Excessive sweating, abdominal pain? She feared that the recent abdominal wound left more damage than she initially thought and might have caused an internal inflammation that became a raging infection.

It didn't take Abby long to reach the Trikru quarters, she quickly slipped inside and turned Octavia's "Do not disturb" sign around so they would have privacy. Niylah would know to ignore it.

Meryll was already in the room with Octavia, next to her was a boy with a rag in his hand to sponge Octavia. Abby looked around, surprised to notice that Indra was nowhere in sight. Octavia must have ordered her away, which was now an advantage.

"What's her temperature, Meryll?"

"40.1 C, Abby. Is that good?"

"Let me see." Abby stepped forward and hovered over Octavia, noticing her grime color and sweat beading from her body while the girl was violently shaking and out of consciousness.

Abby shook her head, "That's not good... Not good at all."

The door opened and quick footsteps neared towards the curtain that separated Octavia's quarters from the rest of the dorms.

"Abby?" Niylah called softly.

"Come in," Abby answered.

"You," She pointed at the boy, "Go get fresh, cooked water and when you return you make sure NO ONE enters this dorm, do you understand?'

The boy nodded as the color faded from his face and quickly ran off in order to comply with Abby's order.

In meanwhile, Niylah was laying out the tools from the med-kit and Abby sterilized her hands with the sanitizer she had brought. She passed the bottle to both Meryll and Niylah before she brought her attention back to Octavia.

"Octavia?" She whispered while she brushed the hairs aside that clung to Octavia's face, "Can you hear me?"

Octavia's eyes were clenched shut and she didn't respond. Abby knew she had to move fast.

Without taking her attention from Octavia she ordered, "Meryll, run to Jackson and have him prepare a sterile room for surgery and clear med-bay. Then, send Indra and Marcus here."

Meryll nodded and ran off.

Abby carefully removed the blanket that was covering Octavia's shaking body and she gasped when she noticed that Octavia was lying in a pool of her own blood. She yanked the protecting bodice that Octavia was wearing aside in order to examine her abdomen. She only found a ragged scar from the passing of a sword, a little pink still, but with no sign of a raging infection. Abby ran through a few different possibilities. She uncovered the other part of Octavia's abdomen and lightly applied pressure around the area of her appendix. To no avail. Her mind raced and quickly put pieces of the puzzle together.

Octavia lived under the floor of her mother's quarters for almost her whole life. She was found a few months before the kids were sent to the earth and before she was scheduled to get a birth control implant. In her mind, she counted back to when Lincoln was executed and concluded that _if_ Octavia really was pregnant, she conceived at least 10 weeks ago.

Testing her theory, Abby moved her hand down to Octavia's lower abdomen and slightly applied pressure. Octavia shot upwards and cried out in pain.

"No, no, NO..." Abby chanted to herself. Feverishly she tried to think of the last time she had encountered an ectopic pregnancy and walked herself through the procedure as she would have on the Ark.

"Niylah," she whispered, "get back to med-bay and tell Jackson to prepare for an ectopic utero surgery – do it _now."_

Niylah didn't stop to ask questions before disappearing from the room.

"It's okay, O. We will save you, and your baby," Abby whispered while stroking the hair of the panting and groaning girl.

Meryll stretched to reach up and wipe Abby's forehead. Abby has been working over Octavia for the past 3 hours while Indra is keeping everyone at bay and in the dark on Octavia's whereabouts. Carefully, Abby placed a suture over the ovarian tube. Octavia was suffering from an ectopic pregnancy, as Abby priory suspected. The fetus was nested in the left ovarian tube, which had ruptured because of the fetus' growth. Abby got to it just in time and managed to place the small and malformed placenta along with the fetus in Octavia's uterus. However, she did not manage to salvage the damage done to the left ovarian tube. With a twang, she realized how that might limit Octavia's future chances to conceive. She sighed and finished the last suture that would permanently sever the ovarian horn from the uterus, knowing she tried with all her might to save it.

Now, Abby was racing against the clock to close Octavia's abdomen. Octavia's breathing was shallow but even, now the process of healing needed to kick in. Abby gritted her teeth knowing that it would be impossible to keep Octavia unconscious and on the other side knowing that anything but strict bed rest would cause Octavia to lose the baby, the last thing she had left of Lincoln.

A night of long hours passed, Abby was floating in and out of consciousness when a firm hand on her shoulder brought her back to the present.

She shot up from her slumber, "Octavia!"

Indra softly pushed her back. "Octavia is sleeping. And you need to take some rest as well. I will watch over her now."

Wearily, Abby looked up at Indra, "Thank you."

Indra nodded, "I will send for you the moment she wakes up."

Abby rose and nodded in a stupor.

"Oh, and doctor?" Abby turned her head to Indra, "Yes?"

"Thank you for saving her."

"You're welcome."

In a sleep-drunken state, Abby manoeuvred herself through the hallways of the bunker. Without any notion of time, whatsoever. Her weariness combined with the darkness in the hallway caused her to trip and stumble into a person.

"Hey!" An offended huff sounded from beneath her.

"I'm so sorry!" Abby called out and scrambled back up.

She reached out her hand to help up whoever she knocked over.

"I've got it," The boy huffed.

He looked up and Abby recognized him from earlier.

"Doctor!" The boy slammed his hand in front of his mouth and looked at Abby with wide eyes, "I'm so sorry! How is she?" He whispered.

Abby nodded absentmindedly, "She will be fine... would you please excuse me?" She hesitated for a second before adding, "you can come and find me at noon in the med-bay .."

"Pascall," the boy filled her in.

"Pascall," Abby repeated.

He nodded with renewed vigor before his face fell. "I have duty, I think."

"Just tell Indra that I sent for you," Abby squeezed his shoulder, "you did good by her."

It was after 11 am before Abby woke up, only to find a scribbled note on her bedside;

~ Drink this, eat something and meet me in med-bay – she is stable. Jackson. ~

Abby sighed with relief. She downed the glass of water Jackson left her and freshened up quickly before grabbing something to eat. It took her 15 minutes to get ready and make her way back to med-bay.

When she arrived, Meryll darted towards her, "Just in time!"

The med-bay was eerily empty, everyone was issued to steer clear from the medical facilities. Abby was wondering how long it would take before people were going to start asking questions about Octavia's absence.

Abby rushed towards the bed that was circled by Jackson, Indra, and Marcus. Octavia's eyes were open but dazed. She glazed over the faces that were anxiously staring at her as if she didn't remember a single face.

"Octavia?" Abby grabbed her hand, "It's me."

Octavia focused on Abby and swallowed audibly, "Wha-what happened?" She croaked. Her eyes widened, "Did I miss my appointment?!" She tried to push herself up, but Indra pushed her back on her pillow before she could.

"You should stay still."

"But Indra..."

Abby shook her head, "No 'buts' Octavia. Your butt is staying in bed. You just had major surgery and you are going to take care of yourself and your baby. If you want this baby to live."

Octavia's eyes nearly popped out at Abby's words. She gasped and fell back in her pillow, "B-baby?" She whispered while she brought her hand down her abdomen. She winced at her own touch but held her hand in place anyway. A wave of nausea along with regret washed over her. "Abby?" She whispered while looking at up at her, "do you know... how long?"

Abby nodded and placed her hand on Octavia's shoulder, knowing exactly what Octavia was asking, "about 12 weeks. It's definitely Lincoln's."

Octavia sank back and exhaled in relief. "I will do whatever you say, Abby. What are the chances of..?" Afraid to finish her sentence she looked at Abby instead.

Abby sighed. "I did everything within my power, Octavia. However, it was a complicated surgery and I'm afraid that the success rate is very low. Only 20% of the fetuses survive the transfer to the womb. You have lost your ovarian tube in the process, it had ruptured and you were bleeding out. Chances are that the fetus was deprived of oxygen, however, time will tell."

On Octavia's other side, Indra grabbed her hand. Indra was never one to show emotion or anything close to it, though Abby didn't miss the motherly love Indra had for Octavia.

"Rest, Octavia. I will make sure everything around here runs smoothly."

Octavia nodded and sank backwards, "Yu gonplei nou ste odon, little one." She whispered to her abdomen.


	12. Bittersweet memories

Hey guys! Thanks for all the love and support! I have a question for y'all, is there someone willing to help me write a better synopsis for this story? I would like for my written baby to be out there a little more !

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David12leca; Thank you so much for your kind reviews! I can assure you, force lactation is possible! It's not often done (and okay, it can't be forced that fast) but it can be done. I am determined to give the story an end, I am not giving up on my favorite fiction people. There is a lot about to happen to Clarke and Lexa - you might not like all of it.

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Chapter Summary: After an intense moment with Madi, Clarke sits down with Lexa and finally hears how she and Costia met.

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 **~ Clarke ~**

" _Dear Raven… It's been 21 days since Praimfaya. I didn't manage to set up the communication system and I could use your help. I think I might be OK down here and I hope I did enough so you can be safe up there. Please be safe, please be alive…"_

With a heavy feeling in my stomach, I put the recorder down. It didn't feel good to lie to a recorder, because if there is one thing I knew it was that I wouldn't be fine without Lexa. Another thing was that Lexa's days were counting. If it weren't just for the limbo world in which Lexa's spirit was supposed to linger, it would be for the fading that was happening without anything they could do about it. Of one thing I was absolutely sure, Lexa was not tied to Madi. A part of me hoped that she was tied to Madi, just so I knew that a part of her would be with me forever, even if she didn't know it herself. It would be some kind of comfort to know where she is, but that was not given to me. Another part of me was relieved. I would be _mothering_ Madi which would make it awkward. But most of all, I was terrified. I was… Alone.

An arm snaking around my neck interrupted my musing.

"What are you thinking about?" Lexa whispered softly while leaning over my shoulder and pressing a soft kiss on my cheek.

I closed my eyes in response and leaned against her to enjoy her touch.

I sighed. "Nothing particular, mostly I was thinking about how we will be… You heard Irinay as well as I did."

I fiddled with her hair, it always calmed me down to have something in my hands, she stiffened at my words. I put one hand on her arm and squeezed lightly while I turned my head to face her. "We will find a way. We came this far, it can't be the end."

It were words I hoped to put truth in, but I didn't know how. Lexa nodded in response, but the fear that showed in her eyes was evident in my mind.

Suddenly her eyes grew wide with surprise. "Clarke!"

"Yes?"

"You're leaking." Her eyes darted down to my chest.

I followed her gaze, "I wha-.. oh." I brought my hand to my chest in surprise.

"It's working!"

Lexa was still staring at my chest dumbfounded. I grinned in response, feeling slightly smug. "Eyes are up here, Commander." I said teasingly.

Lexa looked up at me and closed her mouth, still wary about this 'idea' of mine. To lighten the mood, I shrugged. "I think it's lunchtime for a very tiny person, what do you think?"

Madi was enthusiastically waving her arms and spluttering when I picked her up and carried her to our bed. After propping up some pillows and blankets, I decided that should do. Lexa slid into bed next to me, I was happy that she was here to share this moment with me. The first moments were awkward, besides of knowing the mechanics, I had never seen a woman feed a baby before. On a picture, sure, but not in real life. Awkward as well as amazed Lexa was silently observing me. I never saw my breasts as a mean to feed another human being and that together with the fact that I was being observed by the love of my life made this experience especially awkward.

After fumbling around with my shirt, trying to find a comfortable position, Lexa took Madi of my lap.

"Try taking it off altogether," she urged softly.

Madi was spluttering in her arms, growing impatient and probably hungry. The instant stuff we had been giving her the past week was not sating her at all. She was losing weight and her skin was becoming dull. Lexa was right, what was I doing? fumbling around with my shirt. There was nothing to be shy for. I took my shirt off and propped a pillow under my arm.

Lexa grinned at the sight and handed Madi back to me, "There, that must work a lot easier."

I grinned back at her, god I was happy to have her here. I leaned over to peck her lips softly before I positioned Madi in the crook of my arm.

"Now.." I mumbled as I clumsily tried to position my breast for Madi – who was growing impatient and started to kick around. Helplessly I threw a look at Lexa.

"Wait, let me help," she said while pulling me closer to her. My arm was leaning in her lap and Madi's head was higher, while I was leaning against her like a full-size human pillow. She hooked her right arm around me and urged me to lean back against her.

"Better?"

I nodded in response and positioned Madi so that she could reach my breast. She seemed to know what to do and immediately latched on and started sucking vigorously. I gasped and shot up at the intense and alien sensation.

"Shhhh," Lexa pulled me back against her and softly massaged my shoulder in order to calm me down.

"Thank you," I whispered in response while leaning my head back in the crook of her neck in an attempt to relax. It hurt more than I imagined it would, my only consolation was Lexa. After a few minutes I got used to the tucking and sucking sensation on my breast and Lexa moved her hand down my arm, stroking it before she moved to Madi's head and stroked her softly. Madi looked up to meet my eyes without stopping. The love in her eyes took me by surprise and I inhaled sharply. The connection with a child like this is so… intense. I never imagined it to feel like this.

After what felt like an hour – but was possibly just a few minutes, Madi's eyes started drooping and her suckling rhythm slowed down. I smiled down at her and stroke her forehead. With a content smile, she let go of my breast, effectively drooling a combination of saliva and milk over my chest.

"Great," I mumbled.

Lexa giggled at the semi-disgusted look I had on my face and grabbed a rag to clean the mess up.

"So, how was that?" Lexa murmured, stroking my hair.

I nestled into her and drew the blanket around the three of us with my unoccupied hand. I felt relaxed under her touch.

"Intense.. I guess." I gazed up to meet her eyes, "It was really like nothing else, but I wouldn't know how to describe it, honestly."

"You don't have to," Lexa answered as she tenderly stroke my cheek and leaned down to kiss me.

"I'm a little jealous of the connection she has with you though…" she breathed into my lips.

I chuckled a throaty laugh and murmured, "You have nothing to be jealous of, Heda…"

A small smile formed on her lips and I softly kissed her. I remembered our first encounter, how she was stoically positioned on her throne in the tent where we met. Her green eyes boring into mine and her fingers menacingly twirled around the knife she was impatiently tapping her armrest with. I was taken aback with Lexa then, not so much because I found her intimidating, more because she was everything I wasn't. A strong and devious leader, both young and beautiful. We both came a long way since then. I looked down at her, Lexa was only a shell of the ruthless commander she once was and in turn, I learned what being a leader really is. What it is to make sacrifices so others can live and to decide who lives and who dies. Absentmindedly I traced the hundreds of dots on my tattoo, reminding myself of what I had to become to be here.

Her hand softly folded over mine, stopping me from tracing the tattoo, "Stop torturing yourself, Clarke."

I sighed. "I was just thinking…" She shushed me by putting a finger in front of my lips.

"I know what you were thinking. And… You are right. I am not who I was."

She snorted and gestured over herself, "Hell, look at me. I am a ghost of myself – both literally as well as figuratively I suppose. But I was a whole different person before I became commander, I changed because so much was taken from me…" She trailed off and stared blankly at the wall.

"Tell me who you were," I urged softly. "I want to get to know you, all of you. So I can tell her about you when you can't," I said, referring to Madi who was sleeping soundly in my arm.

I felt a torturous wave of sadness washing over me, a combination of both our souls feeling what was implied, but not put in words.

"Tell me about Costia, you mentioned her to me when we just met. What is her story?"

Lexa smiled wryly, "Costia… I became what I was because of her. And then I became what I am – because of you."

I nestled against her, slightly shifting Madi so my arm was in a more comfortable position. "I have time..."

Lexa sighed and pulled me back against her, "Okay…"

 **~ Lexa ~**

With Clarke nestled against me, I thought back to the first time I laid eyes on her. She intrigued as well as infuriated me back then. I remembered seeing her for the first time, an unskilled fighter, an unworthy leader and she still had to guts to defy _me._

She snickered at my train of thoughts, "Really, Lexa?"

A smile played around my lips, "Yes, really. To me, you were weak, unskilled and a joke for a leader. I was playing around with the thought to kill you, until…" I trailed off.

"Until what?"

"Until I saw the resemblance between you and Costia. It shocked me and I did not want to admit to it. But somehow I felt the need to protect you. Because in that first moment that we met I felt like Costia was standing right in front of me."

"Did she look like me?" Clarke wondered out loud. She was absentmindedly playing with the ends of my hair while I ran my fingers soothingly over her arm as I did with Costia when she was inquiring me.

I shook my head, "Not at all. Physically, the only resemblance are your blue eyes."

Clarke turned her head slightly and stared up at me, meeting my eyes. My heart jumped at the sight. It was true, Costia had very similar eyes and her expression matched Clarke's whenever she got emotional.

"You see… I still see her, every time I look at you."

In my mind, I recalled her. Costia. She was wearing a loose gown and her long, raven-black hair was partially braided, leaving the rest of her long locks splayed over her back. Her hair was long enough to touch her butt. Her piercing blue eyes stood out against her deep, sepia brown skin. She was tall, but very lean and muscular and her smile… Her smile was always kind. It suited her, she was a healer by heart and her smile eased the pain in many of her patients. She also had quite the temper when she didn't get her way, particularly with me. She was the only person that dared to defy me.

"I don't quite see the resemblance," Clarke said, surprised at the image I had recalled.

"That's because you don't know her… yet." I had suppressed images and memories of her for a long time, it was time to face my own demons.

I inhaled a deep breath, "I met Costia when I was eleven. She was younger than me, nine, or maybe ten at the time, she was an apprentice healer and she looked after me after my first conclave." I hesitated for a second and decided that the details of that particular ordeal would have to wait. "She was there when I learned that my first and only friend was killed…"

A few memories of me and Edaii* played in my mind, us ditching Titus' class, the time we spent in the cave near the battlefield and the countless hours of training we had together.

"Edaii," Clarke whispered.

I nodded.

"What happened to him?"

"After I beat the prince of Azgeda during my first conclave, Edaii was killed. Azgeda knew we were friends and captured him. They beheaded him and attempted to send me his head as a declaration of war. The prince I beat was the only heir to the throne of Azgeda back then. That is how queen Nia took control." I shivered slightly at what was the memory to one of the worst days of my life. In response, Clarke wrapped her arm around me.

"Tell me more about Costia," she asked softly. Clarke's touch and soothing voice settled me a bit, though the tremble in my voice was still evident.

"Yes… She was there when Titus told me what had happened to Edaii. It broke me. I never lost someone before and he was the only person I had. That night, she stayed with me and held me as I cried myself to sleep. Shortly after, I left her and Polis to serve as Irinay's second. We were sent on a mission to stop the disappearances, this mission was aborted when Irinay was called upon for her conclave. I was just twelve at that time."

I paused for a second, letting the thoughts run around my head. "After Irinay ascended, she sent me to an assaulted Trikru village to serve as Anya's second, that village was TonDC. That's where Costia and I met each other again, seeing her there froze me to the ground. After I lost Edaii on my account, I swore to myself to take Titus' words more seriously; _Hodnos laik kwelness._ I tried pushing her away, I really tried so hard..."

"It's not your fault," Clarke said softly.

I let out a bitter laugh, "It was Clarke. I could have avoided her death. _Violent delights have violent ends_ , that's what she used to say. I was her violent delight, but I didn't think – no, I didn't _hope_ to be her violent end." My mind trailed off to the time in TonDC. I took all kind of detours, night watches and avoided med-bay for weeks in order to avoid her.

"I avoided her. For weeks to an end, I succeeded, until TonDC was attacked again. I was shot when I saved a wandering toddler from the mountain men," Involuntarily, the image of a young girl shot through my mind.

"Wait… is that..? Indra? Did you rescue Indra's daughter?" Clarke said surprised.

I nodded. "Yes, I got shot in the process and passed out. Indra brought me to the healers. When I woke up, Costia was there. She was holding my hand, looking at me with a mixture of worry and hurt in her eyes." A bittersweet memory of her face echoed in my mind. "Costia was hurt by my rejection of friendship, she didn't understand why I avoided her. What she didn't know is that I was always there, watching over her as she watched over me that night. I just cared too much for her to end up the same way as Edaii did."

Clarke's mouth opened and closed before she spoke, "Oh Lexa…"

I shook my head. "It's past time. This is only the beginning of my story."


	13. Tensions

David Thank you! It really helps to hear from my readers ^^ To answer your question, yes and no. I read online that there are different classes of novitiates, one until 7 years old, then from 8 to 13 and 13 and up (if I recall correctly). This would make more sense because they will also need time to be trained. Aiden must have been about 8 or 9 when Lexa ascended and he didn't fight in her conclave, so if you think about it from the series perspective, it also makes sense. I think the information comes from the books, but I didn't read them [yet] because I want to keep an unbiased view for my own story. From now I will be slower with my updates, unfortunately, but I will do my best to keep up.

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Octavia opened her eyes and stared around. She sighed in exasperation and boredom. Abby had her on strict bedrest in med-bay for 7 days now. The only distraction she had the past 7 days were the updates that Indra brought her. Of what she heard, tension in the bunker was rising and Indra had her hands full with keeping order. People still needed to be assigned to day-to-day tasks and it annoyed Octavia that she was not able to do anything. Abby had forbidden Indra to update Octavia with bad news or new tensions between clans, since – according to her, Octavia needed to stay clear of any form of stress. Honestly, she felt like that not knowing anything stressed her out more. She moved her hand to the burning scar she had on her abdomen, she was still amazed as well as scared for the life that was growing in her.

Losing Lincoln had been one of the hardest things she ever had to deal with. After Octavia had lost her mother, she wallowed in guilt. Her existence had killed her mother – and got her locked up. The guilt was partially due to the fact that she felt less imprisoned in lock-up than she had felt in the tiny room and the space under the floor she had known her whole life. At least in lock-up, there were people she could talk to. After meeting Lincoln she felt like she could finally love again, she had felt at home with him. Both of them were outcast in some way and it comforted her. Now she was here, with his child growing inside her and without him.

A tear formed in her eye and a knot formed in her stomach at the thought of Lincoln. All Octavia had done since his passing was trying to forget him, but her love for him was still very much alive. Every time she thought of the life that grew within her, she had to think of him. Of missing him. Of always having to miss him. Now that something in her was his, she couldn't keep the memories from surfacing and it ate her up. The memories were too painful and she tried to push them away, but lying in a bed without anything else to keep her busy made it impossible.

Another thing dominating her mind was Clarke's betrayal. She couldn't fathom the fact that Clarke, the one person everyone was _always_ rooting for, was the same person that betrayed her three times. That left her for dead, twice. Not to mention that she was the person that got Lincoln killed.

A loud buzzing sounded interrupted Octavia's train of thoughts. She propped herself up to get a better look at what was going on. The movement caused a sharp pain that shot through her lower abdomen and she growled in frustration when she realized she was tied to the bed. Seconds later she heard a soft, fast pace coming from the hallway.

" _Heda_!" Meryll stormed through the door, panting.

Octavia frowned. "Meryll? What's going on? Where is Indra?"

"It's bad," Meryll was shaking all over, unable to compose herself after what she just witnessed. The clans were furious at Skaikru and they were ganging up together to take Trikru and Skaikru out.

"Calm down," Octavia raised her voice slightly and let authority lace her tone.

With wide eyes, Meryll stared up at her, "They are at war against Skaikru," she whispered with a trembling voice.

"That's it, help me," Octavia ordered, her eyes black with anger. "Moving against Skaikru is moving against _me._ "

A good fight is exactly what Octavia wanted to take her mind of the piece of Lincoln within her. She was angry, angry at Clarke for being a betraying and backstabbing bitch, angry at Bellamy for leaving with said bitch, angry at Abby for keeping her out of everything and angry at the idiots fighting each other 70 feet underground. She threw the blanket off and tried to move her legs over the edge of the bed. With the wound fresh on her abdomen, she was barely able to move her legs without pulling the stitches out. Annoyed she grabbed a leg and brought it to the edge of the bed.

"Are you gonna help me or are you just gonna stand there and stare?" Octavia snapped at Meryll.

"O-of course," Meryll stammered and she grabbed Octavia's other leg to help her off the bed.

She barely set her two feet on the ground when Indra and her two guards came barging through the door.

Indra took Octavia in from top to toe, seeing nothing but a feeble girl with a lot of anger in her face. "Good. You're up. You have work to do, Octavia."

With a jerk, Indra turned around and gestured for the guards to take Octavia with them. Octavia straightened her back and glared at them. "I've got this," she snapped

Indra turned her head and glared at Octavia, in a dangerously low tone she said, "Let. Them. Help. You." Pausing between the words to emphasize her seriousness. Indra was no fool, she knew perfectly well that Octavia was not up for a leading task in her condition, but if she had to choose between an underground war and battering Octavia a little more, the choice was easy.

Octavia huffed. "Fine."

With her arms hooked around the necks of the two massive guys, she couldn't even touch the ground below her. "And you think they will take me serious like this?" She asked sarcastically.

"They will not take you seriously when you are dead, Octavia." Indra retorted matter-of-factly. "Now, come. They respect you, only you."

Octavia did her best to rein her anger in and slumped slightly against the arms of the guards, feeling like a toddler being towed around. The surgical side was killing her and she was quite sure that she was killing whatever it was that was growing within her. Even worse, she didn't know if she cared about it. Maybe without the bloody fetus in her stomach, she wouldn't be reminded to her lost love every minute of every day.

The yelling, clangs of swords and screams became louder when they neared the common pit. Indra clenched her jaw taking in the havoc and Octavia's jaw dropped. In disbelieve she stared down at the pit, it took her several seconds to find her voice.

"WAN DAUN!" She yelled, anger and authority boomed over the pit, causing the warriors to freeze in their places. The warriors stared at her until one stepped forward and exclaimed, " _Yu nou bilaik Heda!"_ (you are not the Commander) The guy had full war-paint on his face, the silver moons on either sides and the white paint betrayed his origin.

Azgeda. Octavia could have known that it would be Azgeda to question the authority and she locked her jaw while boring her eyes warningly into his, " _Ai nou laik Heda kom jus, ba ai laik Octavia en ai laik hedplei._ _Yu ouyon ai sonraun Yu laik ain, nau yu na wan op_." (I am not the Commander of the blood, but I am Octavia and I am in Command. You are my subject and now you're gonna die.)

Octavia nodded to the guard next to her, " _Frag em op."_ (kill him)

With one well-aimed throw, he hit the Azgeda warrior between the eyes. He dropped dead before he could utter another word. The other warriors of several clans stood frozen to the ground, realizing that Octavia had been their saviour and that she could just as easily take life from them.

Octavia scowled at the remaining warriors, "Let that be a warning. To defy me is to die."

The remaining men dropped on their knee without another word, bowing their heads apologetically. Octavia was about to sentence them to punishment when Marcus appeared behind her, Abby by his side. Annoyed, she locked her jaw. Abby looked at her in shock, Octavia didn't need words to hear Abby's internal rant and rolled her eyes.

Octavia turned her head to the general, "Indra, see that these men are punished accordingly."

Marcus grabbed her arm lightly, "I have a better idea. We need people on cleaning detail," he said softly.

Octavia raised her eyebrow in disbelieve, "These men just tried to commit a coup and you want to sentence them to a cleaning detail? You must be joking."

The plead in Marcus' eyes was not lost on her, but it did not impress her either. "These men are sentenced 50 lashes each. I want the one who caused this uprising, dead." She said coldly.

Indra's jaw squared slightly while the men in the pit seemed unfazed by her sentence. Octavia turned her head to Indra, "See to it that these traitors get what they deserve. Marcus, you see to it that these men are appointed to work detail by tomorrow. Apparently, they have too much time on their hands."

Marcus wanted to step forward to say something to Octavia, but Abby stopped him in his tracks. She knew that defying Octavia would leave her no choice but to punish Marcus, too.

Even though Octavia saw Marcus' intention, she chose to ignore it. For now. If he wanted to test her leadership, then fine. She would treat him like she would any other, but she doubted whether he would live to tell the tale. He did need to know that even though he was chancellor of Skaikru, he was still a subject to her.

"Marcus." Octavia addressed him without a hint of emotion in her voice, "I expect you in the commanding quarters in one hour."

Abby stepped forward and put her hand up to Octavia, "Hold up. You are on bed-rest, Octavia."

Octavia glared daggers at Abby, "And where did that get us? It is time for me to step up the plate. I never wanted this, I didn't ask for any of this. But you _know_ that this wouldn't have happened if _Clarke_ didn't betray all of us." Octavia was seething and she stressed Clarke's name to warn Abby to stay out of her way.

Shocked, Abby stumbled backwards. The anger in Octavia's voice made it real again that she had to miss her own daughter. Yes, Clarke had made some poor choices, but she made most of them to keep her people safe, Octavia knew that. Abby stabilized herself and looked Octavia cold in the eye, "I didn't save your and Lincoln's baby to have you _kill_ it, Octavia. You know Lincoln wouldn't want that for you."

She turned around, not waiting to get a response from Octavia. Inside, she was a mix of contradicting emotions. Anger, frustration, betrayal, hurt, hope… None of which made sense.

Octavia squared her jaw at Abby's words, not showing any emotion on her face. Her insides were screaming contradictories at her, love me, hate me, she was unsure what she should do. The constant reminder of the love she lost was inside her, she was closer to hating it than she was to loving it and she resented herself for feeling that way.

"Indra." Not waiting for her General's response, she resumed. "I expect you and the ambassadors of the other 11 clans in the Commander's quarters in one hour."

Indra nodded her head in response, not needing to verify her answer with words.

"Aleja," she addressed the guard standing by her side, "You heard Octavia, _lok em up en teik em raun Heda wogeda"_ (find then and take them to the Commander's quarters)

* * *

~ **Lexa** ~

Clarke was stirring in her sleep, more than usual, she was tossing with her head and mumbling in her sleep. For the second time that night I roused from the tossing and turning and wrapped my arms tightly around her, "Shhhh, it's okay, I am here." I whispered while I stroke her hair and cheek, "It's all okay…"

I peeked in her dreams and nightmares a couple of times. Mostly when she had nightmares like this, it was about the mountain. She saw their faces and recalled the terror when she realized I had left her behind, she remembered the moment she sentenced every man, woman and child to death. She was haunted by what she did, by what she had to do because _I_ betrayed her. I sighed. I made many sacrifices similar to this one, difference is, I was trained to do it and chosen to lead. She had only herself to rely on. I didn't particularly enjoy tapping into these nightmares, so I chose to console her from the sidelines.

I cradled her head and kissed her forehead, "Time to wake up, darling." I whispered while trying to rouse her from her slumber.

With a gasp, she shot up. Sweat beaded on her forehead and she rolled her eyes bewildered, looking around for something.

When she met my eye, she gasped. "Lexa!" In terror, she clutched my arm and buried her face in my chest.

"I'm here, hey, don't worry. Everything will be alright, it was just a memory."

She was sobbing and holding onto my nightgown for dear life. I patted her softly on the back while I comforted her head with my other hand.

"That was just it, Lexa," she sobbed. "It was not just a bad dream and a memory this time, it was _real_."

I froze. Terrified of what she meant and almost sure of what she implied. "The past Commanders," I whispered.

Clarke nodded without looking at me, her face still buried in my chest while she tightened her grip.

"They are angry," She whispered. She looked up and me and met my frozen gaze with tears rolling from her eyes. "They told me that you have 72 hours to say your goodbyes, or that they will banish you from the circle of past Commanders. They said you would seize to exist entirely once your _parabatai*_ is fully conscious."

Clarke broke down sobbing against me, I was too stunned to say anything, even to _think_ anything. This couldn't be happening, was fate really that cruel? After losing the love of my life, I faced a life alone. Given, my life would be short-lived, as it was for all Commanders. I rested in my fate, until I was offered a second chance, until I met Clarke. I believed I deserved that second chance because of everything I did for my people, because I brought them peace. I believed I was granted happiness of some sort because I managed to save so many of our people by bringing them together. Then, fate decided differently and I died. I could have accepted this if I weren't dragged back from limbo death into a parallel city where I saved my second love. I was left to perish in a black pit of nothingness, I assumed it was because I deserved it for the pain I caused. For the people I betrayed and killed to fulfil my legacy. And then… She dragged me back. It had to be for a reason, right?

I closed my eyes and inhaled, concentrating on Clarke's sobs.

I lifted her face up with my finger and looked deep into her eyes, "Hey," I said softly. "I am not going anywhere. Not now, anyway."

Clarke's fingers trembled as she brought them up to my face and stroke my cheek, "B-but you will s-seize to exi-ist," she blubbered.

"That will not be for another 5 years, by then, you will be reunited with your family, with your friends. I'm not going to leave you here alone and if to perish is to be my fate, I will take it. But I will _not_ leave you here alone." I wasn't sure of anything, but I was the Commander that did everything differently, it was my generation that broke the tradition of Commanders. It was Clarke I had to protect. And I won't be able to do so from a broken City of Light, just like Irinay couldn't when I needed her guidance.

Clarke wiped a tear from her eye and stared at me in horror, "Lexa, you can't do this. You can't give up your existence for me!" she cried out.

Another tear welled up in her eyes and she looked so fragile. I took her face in my hands just like I had done countless times to Costia and that one time in the City of Lights, "Listen to me, Clarke. I will not entirely stop to exist, I will just… Be a part of another person."

I actually didn't know how to feel about it. The essence of my spirit that was tied to flame, would stop to exist once another child will be brought into this world. I would not know, nor will I ever remember who I was. It was like someone was tearing my being and my soul in pieces. But I could make peace with it by knowing that I would be here with Clarke for as long as possible. After, she would be safe with her friends, her mom, Madi…. And then _ai gonplei ste odon._

* * *

*Parabatai – Nightblood child linked to the past Commander

Reviews are highly appreciated! Also, my instagram affiliated with this story is ai_laik_heda_elena - I've been a little too pre-occupied to post news there, but I will try my best to keep it up to date.


	14. A walk down memory lane

~ 24 hours later ~

* * *

Clarke had been awake for 24 hours, she was wandering around, afraid to sleep, something Lexa understood as no other. Lexa sighed, she patted the spot next to her on the recliner where she was sitting with her legs folded under her. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun and she was wearing a black see-through top combined with her signature combat pants. Without meeting her eyes, Clarke shook her head. She couldn't bear to look at Lexa. She couldn't bear the weight of losing Lexa at her hand – again.

"There has to be another way, we have to find another way…" Clarke mumbled as if she was in some kind of trance.

"Klark…" Lexa looked up at her pleadingly, "Ai beja yu daun."

When Clarke met Lexa's eyes, she saw the hurt in them. "Lexa…"

Lexa shook her head and reached out to grab Clarke's hand, "Ai gonplei ste odon, Klark. Ai nou laik Heda, YU bilaik Heda." (my fight is over Clarke, I'm not the commander, you are.)

Lexa tugged Clarke's hand softly. Clarke sighed and gave in, slowly she lowered herself into the recliner. She felt small and scared, her judgement was clouded by exhaustion and she leaned her head down on Lexa's chest. A tear silently fell from her eye and Lexa put her hand on Clarke's head to stroke her hair comfortingly. Everything together sent Clarke over the edge. She couldn't control her emotions any longer and broke down sobbing. She buried her face in Lexa's chest while Lexa draped her arms tightly around her and cradled her soothingly.

"I-I can't lose you-ou, a-again!" She sobbed while she clung onto Lexa.

Even though she spent years tucking away her own feelings, it weighed hard on Lexa this time. She felt Clarke's agony as if it was her own, she could imagine how it would be if it was her having to lose Clarke.

"I know, love… I know…" Lexa used the silence to recollected herself. "Clarke, listen. it is my time. You knew it was coming," She gently lifted Clarke's chin up so she could look her into the eyes, " _I_ knew it was coming since the day I was taken to Polis. We can choose to have 5 years together or part now and have nothing. I choose 5 years. I choose _you_." She was certain that it was the right choice, the only choice she had as a matter of fact.

On the outside, Lexa looked calm and collected. Her tears haven't been her own to shed for a long time and she knew that Clarke needed the Commander now. On the inside, she was seething. She was furious. The past Commanders berated her when she was making decisions that displeased them, she was sure she was being punished for what she tried to accomplish. It wasn't right, none of it was, the worst thing is that her love had to pay for it – yet again.

Clarke leaned her head back down in the crook of Lexa's neck and let her tears run freely. Lexa let her cry out her tears while she rocked Clarke back and forth soothingly, hoping she would eventually fall asleep from exhaustion. Clarke's ragged breathing became more even and the shocks from her sobbing started to fade bit by bit. Lexa locked her hand around Clarke's head while stroking her back. Feeding Maddy and the lack of proper nutrition or sleep was wearing Clarke's body down, Lexa was painfully reminded of that when she felt the bones protruding through Clarke's shirt.

The weight of Lexa's arms around her shoulders calmed Clarke down. She wiped her remainder of her tears from her face with her sleeve and silently let her thoughts roam her mind. Every thought that passed revue was connected to Lexa's faith, she could only think of one way to put it out of her head. She closed her eyes and gently touched Lexa's mind with her own, merging seamlessly like they were one. Lexa's thoughts were passing fast and they were not making any sense to Clarke, but it was soothing to watch. She saw places and faces she knew because Lexa knew them, but she couldn't put them in perspective. Until a very familiar face passed by, piercing blue eyes staring into her own. The memory was blurry and incoherent, she felt scared, sad but also excited.

"Lexa?" Clarke whispered hoarsely, breaking the train of thoughts running through Lexa's head.

"Yes?"

"What's the story with that memory of Costia?"

Lexa sighed in response.

"… Please?" Clarke pleaded, "I want to know everything there is to know about you. You know… before…" She trailed off, not wanting to think about the implications of her words.

"Very well…" Lexa said while brushing a strand of hair from Clarke's face.

"You remember how I told you about the time I got sent to TonDC, tried to avoid any contact with Costia and got shot saving Indra's daughter, right?"

Clarke nodded and settled her head back into the crook of Lexa's neck.

"Well… After I got shot, I was brought to the healer's tent, I got lucky. I was shot in the head, but the bullet went straight through."

Memories of blood and excruciating headaches involuntary shot through Lexa's mind, Clarke shuddered in response.

Lexa shook her head, "I don't remember much. I was down for more than a week and only conscious for short periods of time, before the excruciating pain made me pass out again. However… Every time I woke up, she was there. She was watching over me, holding my hand or just plainly sitting there. I remember wondering 'why'? Why would she do that? One night, I woke up screaming. Sweating and shivering with fever, my head felt like it was on fire, like it was ready to burst open. She was sitting right next to me, with a wet cloth on my forehead, holding my hand while I was paralyzed with pain. Then she looked me straight into my eyes and told me, ' _Never do that to me again, Lexa. Do you hear me?_ ' I didn't know what she meant, but I remember I squeezed her hand before I lost consciousness again. When I woke up, 2 days later, she wasn't there. My headache was less but my head was still throbbing. What was worse, my limbs felt like they were made of rubber. My recovery was slow, I had to strengthen my body all over again. I was relieved from my duties as second for time being and I felt useless. Costia didn't visit me again after that night, it had me wondering if it was ruse, if it was really her I had seen on the side of my bed."

Lexa paused and recalled a blurred memory of the hurt and pain in Costia's eyes when she was sitting by Lexa's bedside. The frustration Lexa had felt back then, was a hollow echo of emotions.

"I felt miserable. Not as much due to my own predicament, but more so due to the guilt of hurting her. At that time I didn't know her yet, I knew she was something special. After I regained some of my strength, I went down to the river to bathe. Stubborn as I was, I ignored the healer's advice and went by myself, only to find out halfway undressing that I was not up to the task."

Clarke chuckled as she imagined a young, battered and half undressed Lexa by the shore of the river.

"Clarke!" Lexa huffed and lightly swatted Clarke's arm before she recalled a memory of her sitting on a rock by the shore, one boot off and one boot not ready to budge anytime soon. She had already removed her top, leaving her undergarment on. She felt frustrated, lonely and powerless, not to mention unworthy of her own heritage. In her memory, she leaned her head in her hands, with as only consolation that she was alone.

"I'm sorry…" Clarke's eyes glistered with tears when she felt the overwhelming sadness with the memory. Lexa's memory was overshadowed by guilt, she was sure she was doing the right thing, but she felt like she was doing it for all the wrong reasons.

"Yeah… So I sat there. I had given up on the idea of taking a bath and I was about to go back when she showed up." A small smile played on Lexa's lips while her eyes carried a hint of sadness.

"You? Giving up? Lexa, you _have_ changed!" Clarke teased her.

Lexa snorted. "You haven't. Didn't I once tell you that mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke?"

Clarke straightened her face, deciding not to comment any further. She knew better than to defy lessons taught by Lexa.

"You know what?" Lexa looked down at Clarke, "Maybe you should just take a walk with me."

Clarke looked up at Lexa, confused, "Uhm, what?"

Lexa grinned, "I meant a walk down memory lane. Walk with me?"

Lexa pulled Clarke in and closed her eyes before she gently reached out to touch Clarke's mind. Clarke leaned back into Lexa and relaxed, moments later she found herself sitting on the rock next to the river's shore with her head in her hands. Confused, she wanted to look up, but then she realized she was a spectator in Lexa's memory.

The guilt and sadness were a large part of past Lexa, but the pain, the headache was all consuming. So consuming that it even prevented Clarke from being mesmerized by the fact that she was reliving Lexa's memories.

' _Annoyed I kicked the boot I managed to get off into the river before I sat back down. I was just bested by my own boot. If the whole situation wasn't already ridiculous enough, a giggle sounded from the bushes that surrounded the clearing._

 _Startled I called out, "Who's there?" I immediately regretting raising my voice, it intensified the ever-present pounding in my skull. I squinted to look into the direction the giggle seemed to come from._

 _"Relax!" an annoying chirpy, but very familiar voice sounded from the bushes._

 _I exhaled in relief, "You followed me?"_

 _Costia snorted when she appeared from the bushes, "I couldn't just let you go when I saw you sneaking off now, could I?"_

 _I shrugged. "It's not like you cared the past couple of days."_

 _I stared at her and her face fell, I immediately regretted my words._

 _"Lexa… I-…" she stammered before I raised my hand to stop her, "It's alright… I understand. Just what I don't understand… Why were you taking care of me?"_

 _Costia took a breath and plopped down on the ground in front of me. "Frankly, I don't know. I don't know what to think about you or how to behave around you. I just know that I_ wanted _to be there and take care of you."_

 _I stared at her, too stupefied to respond._

 _She fiddled her hands nervously in her lap, "It's alright though…" she mumbled under her breath, "I understand that you don't want to be friends with someone like me… I just…"_

 _"Stop!" I shook my head in disbelieve at her words, "It's not that I don't_ want _to be friends with you!" I cried out. "I was trying to_ protect _you! I had one friend…" I swallowed my tears thinking about him, "and they took his life because of me. I can't let that happen again Costia, not to you."_

 _She looked up at me, her raven-black hair framed her face messily, that made her piercing blue eyes come out even more strong than usual. They weren't sparkling with their usual amount of joy, they were clouded with tears. She looked so vulnerable and even smaller than she was. I slid down from the rock so I was sitting just opposite her, ignoring the burning pain in my limbs and head I grabbed her hand, "Can I still be your friend?"_

 _A smile carefully formed on her lips and I felt warm and fuzzy inside. I enjoyed her smile when I saw it, even when it was aimed at someone else it made my day. Having her smile for me, to me, almost dulled the pain in my head. Like my own drug. A tear fell down her face and she laughed while she wiped it away and threw her arms around me. I couldn't help but chuckle, "I guess that's a yes?"_

 _"That's a yes!" It was the happiest thing I had heard in a while. Seconds later she leaned back, scrunching her nose, "As a friend, I'm telling you, Lexa… You really need a bath."_

 _I rolled my eyes, "And here I was, at the river, thinking I could just come her to half undress myself and skip rocks over the water."_

 _Costia grinned. "Let me help you."_

 _Before she could, I put my hand on her arm and stopped her._

 _Her eyes met mine, questioningly she looked at me. "What's wrong?"_

 _"Costia…" I hesitated, not knowing how to put this, "Can we keep our… friendship… between us?"_

 _She smiled back at me, "No one will know, I promise." '_

The memory blurred and Clarke inhaled, feeling like she was sucked back in the present moment. Shaking the feeling off, she inhaled again, feeling free and relieved from the tremendous amount of physical and psychological pain Lexa's memory brought.

Lexa studied Clarke's face intently, "Are you okay? I didn't want to over-exert you, it was a particularly painful memory, but you have to understand that the relationship I shared with Costia was complicated. And I fear you will not understand if I don't show you all of it."

Clarke shook her head, "Don't worry. I actually feel… relieved in some sense. My own pain is a slight discomfort compared to your memory… And I understand. I want to see it all." She paused for a moment before she exclaimed, "Whoa, it's such an experience to be able to relive _your_ memories in such detail! I could _feel_ what you were feeling and it was like it was a memory of my own. Except… it wasn't."

Lexa raised her eyebrow in surprise, "You could actually feel what I felt? I thought I was just sharing the memory to some extent, I didn't know you would be able to actually _experience_ the whole memory! I'm so sorry!"

"No, no, no! Don't be!" Clarke shook her head vigorously, "It's what makes a memory a memory I guess. This way I can experience it like you did and that's worth a lot to me. I hope you will show me more in time."

Lexa nodded doubtfully. "Maybe… you could show me some of yours first, Clarke. I want to know what your life was like, too."

Clarke smiled in response. "I'd like to take you on a trip down memory lane, show you space and where I come from. But right now I am beyond exhausted." She yawned as if she was empowering her statement.

With drooping eyelids, she made herself comfortable in the recliner, against Lexa. "Will you stay with me, also in my sleep?" Lexa smiled at her and touched her mind in response. "Of course I will. I vowed to always protect you."

The protective, lingering presence of Lexa allowed Clarke to drift off into a peaceful slumber. Knowing that Lexa was there.


	15. Journeys are tough

**_First of all, thank you all for the kind words and reviews! Keep 'm coming:) I have much more in store for Lexa and Clarke, but also for Octavia and today I wrote a little peek on the Ark! Let me know what you think, I love hearing from you guys._**

 ****David12leca, Thanks! I try to, in the end, I aim to paint the picture of how Lexa became who she was. We will go back to her darkest moments and how she bested her demons. Don't forget, she has another issue to overcome...

* * *

 _"I once told you that my life was over the day you were born, but the truth is, it never started before."_

Bellamy stretched his hand to touch my cheek and his face began to fade. I panicked and yelled his name while frantically trying to reach out to him, "BELLAMY!"

"Octavia! Wake up." Someone shook my arm.

"OCTAVIA."

"No. Bellamy! I want Bellamy!"

A sigh. "He is not here. Wake. Up."

With a jerk, Octavia landed back in reality. Bellamy wasn't there, he was gone. Up in space or… She didn't want to think about the alternative. He keeps haunting her dreams and she had absolutely nowhere to go with Lincoln haunting her waking hours and Bellamy haunting her sleep. Octavia couldn't bear to live without either of them, but that choice wasn't hers. A painful stab in her stomach made her cringe, there it was, the reminder of Lincoln. She felt awful for thinking of the child within her belly that way and tried so hard to love it. But there was nothing. She despised her growing belly and even more what was growing inside. Octavia shot up and looked into Indra's piercing eyes.

"Indra." She scowled. Never a moment.

Indra nodded curtly in response, "You're awake, good."

Octavia snorted, "What a coincidence, " she said, making sure the sarcasm was tangible while she threw the cover aside.

A knock on the door interrupted their exchange. Annoyed, Octavia turned her head towards it. Geez, what was it with everyone today, was some peace and quiet too damn much to ask? She swung her legs stiffly over the edge of the bed before she answered. "Yes?"

Abby entered, her hair was tousled and her clothes dirty. Her eyes had black circles edged under them. The constant stress she was experiencing through losing Clarke was clearly playing her parts, as well as the situation underground. Octavia squared her jaw. None of her concerns. She couldn't care less about Clarke's whereabouts, though the thought of _Clarke_ being with Bellamy while she couldn't, ticked her off.

"Indra." Abby nodded when she addressed the general before she turned her attention to Octavia, "Octavia, I came to give you the reports. Everyone is reassigned and five people are contained. I ask you – _beg_ you, to reconsider their fate."

Abby shot Octavia a pleading gaze to empower her words while she handed her the reports. Octavia stoically locked her jaw and raised her eyebrow, ignoring Abby's plead otherwise. She just woke up and she was in no mood for negotiations.

"Thanks," Octavia said dismissively. She put the reports down, the splitting headache wasn't particularly inviting her to go through the whole thing at that very moment, plus, she had other concerns on her mind. "Is there any progress on communication with the Ark?" It came out more hopeful than she intended.

Abby closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. Octavia knew she was frantically working on restoring contact, so far, nothing. It annoyed her beyond belief, how hard could it be? "Make it happen," She said coldly while gesturing for Meryll to hand her vest. Octavia felt like she had literally nothing left to fight for but her brother. Reaching for the garment, she noticed Abby standing there, waiting for something. "What are you waiting for?" She snapped at her.

Abby huffed in response and turned for the door. Octavia was unbearable to deal with these days. It was almost like Octavia blamed her for the whole situation. She almost regretted saving the child, but quickly put the thought out of her mind. She knew she did the right thing and lifted her chin with the pride she had left.

A month had already passed in this dreaded dungeon, Octavia was just cleared from bedrest and mostly everyone was assigned to work detail. Tensions were slowly easing, but rival clans were hard to keep in line. It certainly didn't help Octavia's headache. Together with Indra she spent days to an end figuring out which shifts to place where, for example. Trishanakru and Trikru already worked together before Praimfaya and that alliance together with Octavia's history with Ilian made them trustworthy. Azgeda on the other hand had a long-standing feud with Trikru and it was sheer wisdom not to put members of these clan in the same work detail.

Octavia rubbed her temples in a futile attempt to ease the headache. Without a word, Meryll reached out a wet cloth. "Thanks," Octavia mumbled.

Meryll was a good kid, her origin is Trishanakru and she had been Octavia's handmaiden since she was tied to her bed. Her best friend was Trikru boy from about the same age, after what happened to Octavia, they became inseparable. Pascall stormed into the room enthusiastically, the Trikru boy just started his warrior education and he used every bit of time he spared in the training area. When he saw her by Octavia's bedside, his face fell.

"Oh… sorry _Heda,_ I didn't realise that Meryll was on duty." He was disappointed, he expected that Meryll was going to have more free time now that Octavia was cleared.

Octavia half-smiled, thinking back to when she was their age and how eager she was for Bellamy to return and teach her what he had learned or play with her. She nodded to Meryll, "Go. I can finish up myself."

Her face perked up, "Really?"

"Yes, I have some other important business to attend, go train and get strong."

They were gone before Octavia could even finish her sentence. She shook my head at their youthful enthusiasm. All Octavia wanted was to get to the technical department and see how they were progressing with the communication towards the Ark. Without notable mechanics, the progress was slow.

Indra's voice interrupted her silent musing, "Are you ready, Octavia?"

Indra never called her Heda, like the children did. They had clear respect for one another, but on a whole other level. Indra acted like a mother figure as well as a much-needed advisor and teacher. She was proud of what Octavia had become, but she also worried about her. Though, she didn't voice her concerns, since it was not her place to do so.

For Indra, the changes were confusing. She witnessed Lexa growing up, she even took on the young warrior as a second for some time. When Lexa became Heda, she had been beyond proud. Her role changed drastically and she was no longer Lexa's first, instead, Lexa was calling the shots. Indra followed her with pleasure, since she led her people wise and with utmost consideration of the consequences her actions would have. That is why Lexa was the wisest and best Commander Polis had ever known. Now, lines were blurry. Octavia was no Commander, nor did she carry the wisdom and the spirits of the past Commanders. Her upbringing had been very different, although Indra felt like she had a large hand in the person Octavia had become. Octavia was not trained to be a leader and she barely had an idea what implication her actions would have and on top of that, she was in an unstable condition. It was only a matter of time before the rest of the bunker figured that out. Indra feared for what was to happen when word got around.

In meanwhile, Octavia was fighting to close the straps on her vest. Her stomach was starting to grow, it was slightly, but enough to trouble her. Abby said that she was about 13 weeks pregnant and that her stomach would grow soon since her body was starting to produce amniotic fluid.

Indra raised her brows at Octavia's struggle to close the straps. "You will need a bigger one soon," she stated. Octavia glared at her in response while she clasped her sword to her side.

"Fine. So, can we go? I need to go to tech."

Indra took the Skaikru girl in and rested her eyes on the sword. It was the same sword that helped her win the conclave and now it was the sword that ensured peace in the bunker. Octavia took it everywhere, she felt naked and vulnerable without it.

"No…" Indra said slowly, stretching out the word as if she was teaching a child, "You are being expected in the commanders quarters with the leaders of the twelve clans."

Octavia was about to protest when a light knock sounded on the door and with a creak it opened. Annoyed, she glared at whoever dared to interrupt her.

"Mom? Octavia? Are you ready?" Gaia stepped into the room with her hands folded in front of her. Her face was annoyingly serene. Octavia never knew what she was thinking or what she was feeling and it made her uneasy. She barely knew anything about Indra's daughter, other than that she is the last flamekeeper. But, with the flame lost, she had no cause.

Octavia nodded curtly while she sheeted a knife to her other side. Gaia nodded and gave her a friendly smile.

"Right… I'm ready." Octavia said while she slid off the bed.

The two guards got into motion as soon as she approached the door, Indra was leading the way and the two guards flanked her and Gaia.

Indra turned her head to Octavia, "Go ahead, Octavia. I have another matter to attend to, Gaia is attending the meeting in my place."

Confused, Octavia looked at her but nodded in approval anyway. Indra walked away brusquely, leaving Octavia alone with Gaia. Octavia was wondering what important business Indra had, but she was quickly in interrupted in her musing by Gaia's soft voice, "Octavia, we need to talk."

Octavia turned her head to meet her eyes and slowly raised her left eyebrow in defiance, "About what?" she answered, almost hostile.

Gaia bowed her head forward slightly while looking at Octavia intently, weighing each word, "I have been observing you, Octavia. And I think I can help you."

Octavia snorted, again someone who thought she needed help. She wished that everyone would back the hell off and left her alone. "Everyone always seems to think I need help, I don't. And certainly not your help, thank you." With those words, she turned around and started to make her way across the hall when Gaia gently placed her hand on her shoulder. It felt warmer than it should and it startled her.

"Hey!" angrily Octavia brushed the unwanted intrusion of her personal space off, "Don't touch me."

Gaia was not going to give up so easily. As flamekeeper it was her task to advise and guide the new Commander. It was crystal clear she was not going to fulfil that duty with the flame lost, but she could guide the current _Hedplei,_ "Octavia, listen. You are straying away from who you are. I have been trained to be a flamekeeper, an advisor to _Heda_ and a trainer to novitiates, as well as protector of the flame." Her face fell slightly when she mentioned the artificial intelligence chip that was passed on from commander to commander.

"Well tough luck, _fleimkepa_ , the flame is gone and I don't need your advice. Anything else?" It sounded harsher than she intended it, but the last thing Octavia needed was meddling of some girl that she didn't even knew. She knew Titus had been a flamekeeper as well, and she had a personal distaste for him.

Gaia shook her head. "I am more than a mere _fleimkepa,_ I am a priest, performer of sacred rituals and I can help you with your other… issue." She moved her hand and gestured it over the form of Octavia's stomach.

Octavia slapped her hand away, her patience with this girl was wearing thin but she guessed that punishing her would not fare well with Indra. "I don't _need_ your help," Octavia hissed. "That baby is doing just fine. Abby took care of that. Now, if you will excuse me."

Octavia was seething. She turned away from Gaia and stomped off. Who was she to assume that she couldn't take care of a baby? And that she needed _her_ advise? She scoffed at the thought and it got her more aggravated by the second.

Octavia leveled her jaw and straightened her posture. There was no way anyone was going to see past the charade she was putting on. There were only a few people that knew of her situation and she intended to keep it that way, at least until she had full control over all twelve clans.

"Think about it," Gaia said calmly. Gaia sighed, she expected as much. She had been observing Octavia for a while and she could tell she had much to learn as a leader. She assumed it was tough for Octavia, she wasn't born in the role and the tough shell she created by being Skairipa and winning the conclave was wearing thin fast. Gaia saw it as her duty to guide and advise Octavia in any way she could. She feared that un-mourn loss was eating Octavia up, she had seen it before with Lexa and it concerned her.

Lexa was trained and warned, she knew that love was not part of being a Commander and that it was her duty to put her people first. Octavia experienced a loss just great as Lexa, but she, on the other hand, had no guidance or training to help her see what her duty was. According to teachings of the high priest, one of the oldest flamekeepers and her wisest teacher, Samuel, not dealing with such loss could go either way. A person could fall apart or become an empty shell. Gaia feared that the latter was happening to Octavia.

"It's not a leader's place to find peace, not a good leader," Gaia whispered into the empty hallway.

* * *

"Raven!"

Raven shot up, startled by the sudden yelling and hit her head on the air scrubber she was attempting to fix. "Damn you, Monty!" Raven yelled back.

"Oh, there you are!" Monty grinned as he peeked around the scrubber.

"Yeah, I am here," Raven answered disgruntled while she rubbed the bump that was already emerging on her head. "It's not like I can go that far now, right?" She added sarcastically. "What do you want?"

Being back on the Ark was not something Raven particularly enjoyed. It was hard on everyone, but Raven felt lost and alone. The only thing that kept her from losing her mind was all the work that needed to be done.

Monty grinned widely at her. "Guess what? The algae farm has produced its first batch!" Proudly he held up a handful of the gooey green plant.

"Great." Raven mumbled, "I hoped it was at least moonshine you came to offer me."

Monty's grin widened and he held up a bottle, "You underestimate me, mrs. Mechanic."

Raven flashed him a crooked grin. "Look, now you're talking. You may be able to get by on love alone, but quite frankly, it's just sickening me." She snorted to reinforce her statement. "Hand it over, master brewer." She stuck out her hand for the bottle.

Monty handed her the bottle and she took a long swig of the burning liquid. With a grin, she handed it back. "You didn't lose your touch, brewer." She said while wiping her mouth on her sleeve. "Any progress on the radio system?"

Monty's face fell. Raven had been working on the life support systems for the past month, simply because she had the know-how of the systems and it was pretty crucial to get it right the first time around. He felt guilty that he was not able to contribute to the repair of the systems, but then again, Echo, Bellamy, Harper, Murphy and Emori were even more useless.

Raven glanced his way and raised her eyebrow. It was not his fault she felt so lost, but she was already sick of Monty and Harpers lovey-dovey behavior and if anything, Emori and Murphy are worse. Even thinking of it made Raven scrunch up her nose. A diet of algae was not improving her mood and extra time to think did nothing for her mood either. She found that keeping busy was the only way to keep her mind off the current situation. After all, she figured, it was even harder on Echo and Emori.

"Come," Monty made a wide gesture, "Dinnertime!"

Raven sighed and pushed herself away from the airlock, "Yay, algae…"

Echo walked into the room, "You coming? It's ready."

Raven threw her a look, but ignored her otherwise. She was not big on the Azgeda hitch-hiker after she learned what Echo was responsible for.

Echo sighed, knowing Raven hated her. Monty answered instead, "Yeah Echo, we're almost ready!"

Raven threw her screwdriver back in the toolbox with a little more force than she initially intended and scrambled up.

"33 days over, only 1792 days to go…" She muttered when she dusted off her pants and made her way towards the mesh hall.


	16. The final verdict

Esechicken: Haha! Thanks for the lovely review ! I'm glad you like it. I actually use this story to improve my writing skills - seeing as I'm not native. So I will try different things and I hope you keep liking them!

David12Lexa: Thanks! I hope you had great holidays, too. I recently moved from Europe to Canada so I have been a little too preoccupied to write, but I will definitely pick it up from here! I miss my two fave girls:)

* * *

70 hours later ~ 2 hours before the deadline

"NO." The statement was angrily and surrounded by murmurs.

Clarke took a sharp breath and pressed her back at the cold surface behind her. Anxiously she looked around, seeing nothing but black nothingness. "Where am I," she whispered to herself as she listened to the murmurs.

Clarke realized she must've fallen asleep and got pulled into the alternative universe. The realization struck and she took a sharp inhale of breath

"She is NOT worth a place in this circle!" A male voice seethed.

" _Shopop, Marcellus."_ A familiar female voice commanded.

Clarke didn't need to see who was speaking to know it was Becca Pramheda. The familiarity of that voice was still ringing in her ears. Clarke grasped her head and slid down on the floor, praying that no one would notice her presence.

 _"Hodop, teik ai chich op klir?" (permission to speak freely)_ A female voice asked. Clarke noted a hint of familiarity to the voice, but she could not tie a face to it. The voice continued, _Don't we all think she had enough? That she deserves better than what we have now?_

 _"Disha bilaik oso EDEI,"_ (It has been our way) another female voice growled.

"One that should be treated with respect and honor," a male voice huffed.

"Don't you think we ALL deserved better?" Someone chimed in.

" _EM PLENI!_ " (enough) Becca's voice roared angrily.

Clarke shrunk down. The atmosphere was tense, it was clear to her that the past commanders were discussing Lexa's fate and that they hadn't exactly reached an agreement.

"We will all take a vote," Becca's voice continued, "Those in favor of indefinite removal of Leksa kom Trikru's from the Commander's circle, raise your hands."

A silent rustle followed and Clarke held her breath anxiously.

"Those in favor of welcoming Leksa kom Trikru back in our circle after integration, raise your hands."

Clarke did not dare to look at the outcome. She was trembling anxiously and realized that she had forgotten to breathe. With her eyes shut she took a shaky breath.

"The final verdict is hereby set. The last Commander of the blood, _Heda Kongeda_ , Leksa kom Trikru will _not_ be accepted back in _Raunon kongeda Heda_ (the circle of past Commanders). Leaving her legacy to be void." Disapproval was seeping through Becca Pramheda's tone, she developed personal affection for the ruthless commander that was so much like herself. She also knew very well that Lexa achieved more than all the past commanders together. Though it was not solely her call, she found that animosity was a bad thing to create now that times were dire. Lexa was smart, Clarke was cunning, Becca didn't agree, but she vowed to help Clarke out if she were to seek her help.

Upon hearing the verdict, Clarke gasped and sunk through her knees. Silent tears rolled down her cheek and realization struck her. She was going to lose Lexa. She was going to lose the only person that could keep her sane.

"Clarke? Clarke!" The faint sounding of her name brought Clarke back to her senses. No longer surrounded by the cold and pitch black environment of that dreaded alternate university, she opened her eyes. Tears were still streaming down her cheeks as she warily stared at Lexa.

"Oh, Clarke…" Lexa wrapped her arms around her love and pressed a soft kiss on her forehead. "You will never lose me." She coaxed.

Unable to speak, Clarke let Lexa wrap her arms around her, under the calm and gentle touch, Lexa was seething. Hypocritical _branwada_ , carefully she shielded her reeling mind from Clarke. The past commanders often disapproved her actions, even when the outcome was desirable she got berated for not doing what they would have done. She never cared enough, until now. Casting her out was one thing, but doing so deliberately and knowingly it would leave the new rightful _Heda_ (and her love) to face a barren world alone – was another thing entirely. Though, now was not the time to fuel her rage. Clarke needed her to be Lexa instead of the Commander. She clenched her jaw and thought back to one of many of Anya's lessons.

 _"Lexa. Tell me what you see." Anya had her climbing to the top of the highest summit west of TonDC – intending to level her young warrior pupil. Lexa had always been hot-headed and impulsive, which concerned Anya. According to her, Lexa had everything to become a great Heda, if she would be able to rein her impulsiveness and calm her temper._

 _Young Lexa shuffled uneasy, she was never patient enough to meditate. As part of her training, Anya had her meditating and chewing over her actions. She respected Anya as a mentor, but she dreaded these particular pieces of training._

 _"Snow," Lexa muttered unintelligible, knowing full well that it was not what Anya wanted to hear._

 _Anya snorted. "Defiance is not the product of a strong mind, and it is not going to get you out of here. Now, what do you see?"_

 _Lexa took a deep breath and started to take it all in. Anya was right, she would be better off complying even though she already knew that every answer she provided Anya with would be wrong. "I see…" She squinted to see as far as her sight allowed her, "The borders of Azgeda, the glow of the Thrishana and smoke rising from Trikru villages." She peeked sideways to read Anya's expression, hoping that that was what she wanted to hear. Anya was sitting next to her, her legs folded and her hands resting on her knees. Her face was serene and did not betray anything. Lexa shuffled uneasily._

 _"No Lexa. Close your eyes, inhale and breath out slowly," Anya instructed._

 _Lexa did as she was told and took a big gulp of the thin mountain air which she slowly exhaled. She remained silent and forced her hands not to fiddle and her mind not to think. There had to be some way to satisfy Anya's inquiry without spending the whole day on that damned summit._

 _"Better." Anya nodded. "Now, listen."_

 _With her eyes closed, Lexa listened to the deafening silence around her. They were too high up for any sane living being._

 _"I don't hear anything, mentor," She admitted thinly._

 _"Exactly, Lexa. Remember that sound when you are making rash decisions. Remember that sound when you are being taunted, challenged or wronged in any way possible. Remember that silence is the last thing your foes will hear when they cross your path wrongly. But, remember to await the right time, because nothing is as deadly as acting on your impulses only. No mountain lion can survive if she hunts with only hunger on her mind. Your mind should be the same when you are hunting."_

Lexa relaxed her jaw and looked down at Clarke, she failed to protect Costia, but she got her revenge eventually. She would not fail to protect Clarke and she would not stand for the wrong done to the rightful new commander of the thirteen clans. Lexa lifted Clarke's chin up so she was level with her own gaze. " _Heda kom Thotin kru, ste yuj._ _Oso gonplei nou ste odon._ " (Commander of the thirteen clans, stay strong. Our fight is not yet over)

Clarke met Lexa's gaze and realized that if not just for herself, she should recollect herself for Lexa as well as Maddi. She straightened her shoulders and let out a shaky breath, levelling her mind with her body best she could.

"Very well," Lexa said with approval. "There is the commander of the thirteen clans, _Wanheda_ and mountain slayer." With a small smile, she added, " _En disha plan kom ai tombon_." (the woman of my heart)

Clarke sighed and thought back to when she had lost her father, how defeated she felt. She felt like that hole in her heart could never mend, what she didn't know at that time is that her heart was bound to be ripped out entirely. If not by her own doing, then by the loss of the only person that truly had held her heart.

She straightened herself and pecked a kiss on Lexa's lips, " _Leksa, ai hod yu in ai tombon, otaim._ " (You will always be in my heart) Clarke replied while she gazed into Lexa's eyes. "I should check on Maddi," Clarke said. She carefully shielded her thoughts and added; 'she will be all I have left…'

Lexa nodded as she unfolded her arms from around Clarke and sank back in her chair. Left at her own devices, she crossed her legs and brought her mind to nothingness, hoping that meditation would give her the strength to be the commander that Clarke needed her to be. She was not about to go down without a fight, although deep down she knew that it might be better to rest her fate and support Clarke now when she still could.

Clarke needed a moment to settle her mind. She was sure she was about to lose Lexa and the only thing that was calming her right now was the sleeping babe she was watching. Maddi needed her, she needed her to be strong. Even if she would never know Lexa, Clarke was determined to make sure she would know who Lexa was. The little nightblood…

This early in the morning she chose to let Maddi sleep and try to get some much-needed rest herself before the child demanded to be tended to. Just thinking about it made her milk flow. "Great," Clarke mumbled while she wiped it off and turned to the lab.

" _Day 36._ _Bellamy, I hope you're alright. Even if Raven figured out by now how to make contact, I didn't yet. I hope you all made it and that you're safe. The world as you know it has ended._ " She paused and a silent tear fell down her lap. " _The world I know is about to end, too…_ "

A familiar arm snaked around her waist and she felt Lexa put her chin on her shoulder. "No, it isn't," she said matter-of-factly. "We won't let it happen."

With a sigh, Clarke put down the recorder and turned to look at Lexa, "Wasn't it you that once told me that ' _We have to recognize things as they are'_?" she quoted from a long distant memory.

Lexa pulled up an eyebrow, surprised that Clarke remembered and quoted those exact words. "Well, we do, don't we? But someone else once told me ' _I bear it so they don't have to_ ', so let me."

* * *

Thanks for all the support and love, guys! I recently moved from Europe to Canada to pursue my own dreams, so that is why I haven't been able to update as frequently as I used to. Also, I attended the Unity Days 2018 last weekend and it was SO AWESOME. There was some time to catch up with the actors, go around the props used for the series and most importantly, to network. Thank you for sticking with me and if you'd like to get an impression of the unity days, follow ai_laik_heda_elena on instagram. I will post some additional pictures and manips when I get the chance!


	17. Up and down

Thank you all for the kind reviews!

swtid77: Thanks! It's good to hear what my readers think, next chapter will bring a bit more depth to what is going on underground and I'm going to leap through time a little faster than the story did so far!

* * *

Summary: While Bellamy is drowning in his own self-pity, Clarke is trying to show Lexa that the world is not as black and white as she had known it.

* * *

Silently, Bellamy strode in the large room attached to the command chamber of the Ark. This room had the largest window and thus offered the best view of the earth. Or… What was left of it anyway. It had become a habit to him to come down here and talk to Clarke, even though she wasn't there anymore. He put his hand on the cold glass and shuddered, the view of the burning earth did nothing to improve his mood. "Oh Clarke…" He took a deep breath before he could resume. "I still can't believe you did that. It's been 60 days now, Raven is still working like crazy to keep the Ark going and Monty still didn't make any headway with the communication system. Wherever you are… May we meet again."

He heard footfalls closing into him, without looking back he knew it was Echo. He straightened his posture and kept his gaze on the earth, he was not in the mood for a conversation.

Echo didn't try to look at him, instead, she looked out over the earth and took a moment herself, "You have to let it go, Bellamy." She said eventually.

He snorted in response. "Easy for you to say."

Echo shrugged, "She gave her life for us to survive. We are her legacy in a way. Her spirit will live on."

Bellamy turned and shot her a look of disbelieve, "You don't understand, do you?" He nearly growled. Whenever Clarke was the subject, he felt protective. Like protecting her would do her any good still.

Echo turned to look at him and scowled. "Oh, don't I? I have lost _everything_. Even if we ever manage to get down, I will not have a clan, I have no honour and…"

"But you will have your life." Bellamy cut in gruffly. "That's more than I can say of Clarke."

"You don't know that." Echo retorted, "She might still be out there, you know."

Bellamy decided not to respond, he was hoping with all his might that Echo was right, but looking down at the carnage playing out beneath them, he had little hope. It was eating him up from the inside, the girl he used to despise but became fond of sacrificed her life to keep them safe, but what could he possibly do? He felt useless. He knew he could not let it rule him, he promised her he wouldn't. He clenched his fist to his side and let his nails dug into his palms, the dull pain reminded him he had to stay strong. If not for Clarke, then at least for Octavia.

His thoughts were rudely interrupted by loud yelling. "Bellamy!" Raven's authoritative voice thundered through the Ark and Bellamy rolled his eyes in response. Raven was annoying, yes, but he envied her. She had something to keep her occupied, though he doubted whether leaving Clarke troubled her as much as it did him. He knew Raven was still hung up about what happened to Finn.

"Yes?" He quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Oh, there you are!" Raven sounded annoyed, as if she'd been looking for him for hours.

"Well, yeah. It's not like I can go far, right? What's up?" Bellamy was not able to hide his own annoyance.

Raven rolled her eyes at Echo, ignoring her otherwise. "Look, I've been working on the air scrubbers and life support systems for…" She paused, trying to remember how long they've been up.

"60 days." Bellamy filled in.

Raven shrugged, "That sounds about right, 60 days. But I hate to break it to you, they will need constant maintenance. If I'm going to restore the communication system too, I'm going to need some help." She put her hand on her hip and cringed simultaneously. Her old scars never healed and the constant strain was making her injuries worse.

"What are you saying, Raven?" Bellamy said impatiently.

"I'm saying, that you're going to be my mechanic apprentice." The corner of Raven's lip twitched as if she appreciated her own joke.

"Um… What?" Bellamy was astounded. Mechanics. Something he knew zilch of. "Me? What about Harper? Don't you think she would be a better 'apprentice' than me?"

Raven snorted, "She's loveydovey Monty's apprentice. Do you have something better to do?"

Bellamy shrugged, "Guess not." He threw Echo an apologetic glance, knowing full well that it would mean that she was going to spend all the time on her own from now on.

"Good! So that's settled." Raven smirked and smacked him on his back, harder than necessary. "Welcome to mechanics, apprentice!"

Bellamy smiled sourly in response. At least it was something to keep his mind of Clarke. It was not really something he discussed with Raven.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and followed Raven. "Only 1765 days to go…" He muttered.

* * *

A loud clang alarmed Lexa. Tentatively she reached out to Clarke's mind. It had become a habit for her to check up on Clarke through their personal connection whenever she felt the need to. This time, she changed her mind and got up instead, following the sound.

"FUCK!" Clarke yelled, followed by a louder bang.

"Clarke?" Lexa followed the commotion into the lab. Clarke's anger was tentative in her brain, but she didn't pry. She wanted Clarke to actually talk to her, she had been so absorbed in their recent ordeal that Lexa got the feeling Clarke was avoiding her.

In the lab she found Clarke, breathing heavily, leaning her hands on the metal countertop. Her fingers white from the force she was using to clasp the metal and her face flushed with anger.

Slowly, Lexa closed the distance between them, Clarke didn't move. "What's wrong?" Lexa asked softly while brushing a strand of blonde hair from Clarke's face. The gesture usually calmed Clarke down.

Lexa pretended to be oblivious to the pile of screws, scrap metal and bolts scattered over the floor, but the clear dent in the wall betrayed that Clarke threw something with all her might against it.

"You know, it's not going to help to smash whatever you have against a wall." Lexa smiled wryly while eying the mess on the floor.

"It's no use!" Clarke exclaimed while she threw her hands up. "I don't know enough from mechanics to make it work, Lexa."

"Great leaders do not give up, Clarke." Lexa stated, knowing Clarke needed all the reassurance she could get. "You have come this far, and now you want to give up? You also have Maddi to think about."

Clarke sighed. "I guess you are right. It's just frustrating, you know. I've been trying to get this _thing_ to work for the past two months, but I just can't seem to figure it out!"

"Why don't you take a break?" Lexa suggested, "You still owe me a tour in space."

Clarke quirked her eyebrow at the sudden suggestion. "You want a walk down memory lane? _Now_?"

Lexa made her statement by turning around and taking place on the sofa situated in the corner of the lab as if she owned it. "You have somewhere to be then?" She asked while boring her eyes into Clarke's.

Clarke rolled her eyes, but she figured Lexa was right. Maybe it was good to take a stroll on the Ark and to take her mind off the matters at hand. Maddi was down for a nap and they hadn't been spending much time together. Clarke didn't want to admit it, but the distance she was creating between them was the only thing that would protect her once Lexa would… No. She pushed the thought out of her mind and focused on Lexa's face. The green eyes she could drown in made her smile, she pushed her anger aside and strode over to Lexa, "Maybe you are right."

"Maybe I am," Lexa responded casually while she grabbed Clarke's wrist and pulled her down in her lap.

Clarke shook her head and studied Lexa's face. "You know, you are nothing like the ruthless commander I met all those months ago?" She said while she traced Lexa's jawline with her finger.

Lexa cocked her eyebrow in surprise. "Where did that come from?" Clarke was right, she was nothing like the coldhearted and ruthless commander she was when they met. That was a person she never wanted to be, that was the person she was _forced_ to be.

Clarke shrugged, "Just an observation. Not that I mind, though."

Lexa met Clarke's gaze and continued, "You know I never wanted to be who I was back then, right?" She said in all earnest. "I was nothing like that when I was still young. I was careless, I didn't want my heritage and I certainly didn't want to become commander."

Clarke nodded and propped herself up. "Circumstances just make us who we are… You, the bringer of peace and commander of the twelve clans"

"Thirteen," Lexa corrected her.

"Me, Wanheda, mountain slayer and warrior killer," Clarke continued while she absentmindedly rubbed the tattoo on her forearm.

Lexa wrapped her hand around the tattoo, "You did what you had to, just to stay alive. The enemy did the same."

The memory brought Clarke back to the present, "You said that, yes…" Lexa's hand felt like it was glowing, a pleasant warmth spread through her arm and made her almost feel giddy. The feeling lingered as long as Lexa's touch. Clarke wanted to stay away from Lexa, but she knew she was physically incapable to do so, so she took her hand and kissed her cheekbone.

"Walk with me, Commander."

Lexa smiled and lightly squeezed Clarke's hand in response. There was no need for words as long as they were concerned.

Clarke closed her eyes, Lexa followed her example and they held each other's hand while Clarke concentrated on one memory in particular. She hadn't given much thought to what she wanted to show Lexa, she just wanted her to know where she came from, too. Why she was not the leader Lexa believed her to be because her upbringing was so different.

Slowly Clarke let the memory float back into her brain while she opened up her mind and reached out for Lexa. Lexa relaxed and connected seamlessly with Clarke's mind. It was like they merged together, become the other person when they did this. It was an outer-body experience, something Lexa experienced in more ways than she ever wanted. Suddenly, she became Clarke, she saw the Ark from Clarke's eyes and tried to blink. She was merely a passenger, an observer of a memory, so she let it play out.

 _"The temperature on the Ark never changes, so I didn't give it much thought. Though I shivered and crawled back under my covers, it felt colder today than it did any other morning. Then I remembered what day it was. Unity day! I was excited! Today was the largest celebration of the year, not just that, I was chosen to do the great performance!_

 _My dad walked into my room, with a proud grin on his face, "Good morning, pumpkin! Are you ready for your big day?"_

 _His eyes sparkled when he sat down on my bed and ruffled my hair, as he did every morning._

 _"HEY!" Offended, I pushed his hand away and tried to smoothen the bird-nest on my head, "I need that to look good, dad!"_

 _"You always look good, pumpkin." His eyes touched his smile and this is how I wanted to remember him._

 _I gave him a little pout, like the obstinate 6-year old I was._

 _"I have something for you," he continued while he pulled a large bag from behind his back._

 _"Is that..?" My curiosity won and I tore it from his hands to see what was inside. With a tender smile, he observed my happiness as I unwrapped what was inside._

 _I gasped when I saw the content. "Dad! You got me a costume for the play?" I was ecstatic! I had been worried about how I should dress for my big role, there wasn't a lot of choice seeing as everyone got assigned two outfits, period. It was simple, but it was the greatest thing I ever had._

 _"Do you like it?" he asked while observing my expression_

 _I hugged the costume to my chest before I threw my arms around his neck, "I love it!" The costume was simple, a long red robe with a golden edge to it. It was way too long for me, but that didn't matter. I felt like a princess. The fabric was soft and velvety and it looked like it shone under the lights. I hopped off to the bathroom to see my reflection. My mom was leaning in the door opening and watched me smiling._

 _"Mom! Do you like it?" I twirled with the biggest smile I could muster._

 _"I love it," she said while she kissed me on top of my head._

 _"Now, are you ready? Wells is coming to pick you in 15 minutes."_

 _I nodded in response and grabbed my hairbrush. "Almost, just this."_

 _When Wells knocked on the door of our dorm, I was not even nearly done brushing my hair. I refused to take the robe off, which made the task of brushing it a lot harder. His eyes widened when he saw what I was wearing._

 _"Clarke! Where did you get that?" He asked while stroking the soft velvet._

 _"Dad gave it to me. Do you like it?" I grinned and twirled for him. This was the happiest day of my life, I was sure._

 _"Wow.." he was as astonished by it as I was. "You will be the star of the play!"_

 _I beamed at him._

 _"Time to go!" Mom said while she pushed both of us out the door, "You two don't want to be late for your first big performance! Good luck, kids." She smiled and waved us off. Wells took my hand and we started running to the mesh hall, where we were expected for the last rehearsal._

 _We took a small detour and stopped at the large window that looked down over earth. We always did that and then we fantasized about swimming, horse riding and climbing in trees. It looked like a small marble from up here, but dad told many stories about how big it was. He said that the blue was water and the green are trees, he said people used to live in buildings and had a whole building for themselves before they came up to space. When I asked him what happened to those people he said that the earth was not safe and that they came up here to wait until it got safe again. I couldn't wait for that to happen._

 _"Do you think we will ever get to the ground?" Wells asked._

 _"I don't know… What do you think it's like down there?" I asked him._

 _"I think we can run without being punished." He grinned._

 _Wells loved running, he spent all his free time in the gym hall to see if he could be fastest._

 _I laughed at him and punched him in the shoulder. "You and your running. We should get to the hall before your dad gets mad at us."_

The memory faded and Lexa seeped back into her own existence. She held her eyes closed while she mused over what she just saw. The Ark was nothing but a big, metal cage hovering above the earth. Yet, it all seemed so normal from the perspective of a six-year-old Clarke. She had never seen the earth like Clarke had known it from that distance, she couldn't fathom what it was like to not be able to run around. The children all seemed so… helpless. Just sheltered, all Lexa had known was a life as a warrior, which was nothing like how Clarke was brought up. Lexa hadn't even known her parents - if she had they would have been nothing like Clarke's parents. She began to understand why Clarke felt she was not a born leader to her people.

Slowly Clarke opened her eyes, she observed Lexa, who was holding her in her arms with her eyes still closed.

"Lexa?" She murmured.

"Hmn?" Slowly Lexa opened her eyes and looked at the girl she was holding. Seeing her in a whole other light.

"What are you thinking?" Clarke asked.

"I… A lot," Lexa breathed. The memory Clarke had shown her felt like a tale. Like something unreal. She tried processing it, but having only that tiny peek into Clarke's upbringing did not quite help her understand.

"I don't know," Lexa continued, "It looked and felt so unreal. I had no idea there was a world of existence like yours, I have only known mine."

Clarke nodded and absentmindedly started tracing patterns on Lexa's hand. "I know. That's why I showed you this. I was six years old and it is one of the happiest memories I have on the Ark. My dad still alive, me and my best friend wondering about the earth and me still being oblivious to the life that was happening below us. I was brought up protected and loved, other than you. You had to fight for your life in the most literal sense of the word."

Lexa nodded slowly. Clarke was right. She was brought up in a carnage, having to fight since she could hold a weapon. The only persons she ever relied on were Edaii and Costia, both of whom got murdered just because she loved them and relied on them. She had to become ruthless and hard, even if it was just to ensure her own survival. In her experience, love equalled death. In Clarke's experience, love equalled happiness.

"That's how it was supposed to be," Clarke whispered, "I wanted to show you that love can equal happiness, even if you never experienced it firsthand. That is why I'm so afraid to lose you. That's why I'm so determined to find my friends."

For the first time, Clarke's motivations made some sense to Lexa. It wasn't about leadership, it was all about love. That's what it was all along.


	18. Hope

Note: Italic paragraph is a memory

* * *

 **~Octavia~**

"I'm sorry Octavia…" Luke said hesitantly while nervously wiping his hands on his pants. "It is like there is only a big black void out there. I can't get a signal of any kind."

I gritted my teeth. "You've had 3 months to get this thing operating, _3 months._ And now you're telling me that you can't do it?" I tried to steady myself and rein my rage in. But I couldn't fathom the sheer idiocy that surrounded me. If only Bellamy were here… What would he do?

"Octavia…"

Before he could finish his sentence I raised my hand to stop him. "I won't hear it." It was more a command than anything else.

Without another word I turned around and marched out. I was beyond furious. Was everyone in this damn bunker incompetent as hell? The bunker was running, though only god would know what would happen if I dropped my guard, even slightly. God. I rolled my eyes at myself, that was a good joke.

Everyone in this bunker is on edge but the will to survive is more potent it is all I have to keep tribes from slaughtering each other. The execution of the mutineers at least kept the twelve clans in line, for now. The Azgeda clan had been furious with my decision to execute the three men and I had the feeling they are plotting their revenge. That would be like them.

After the execution, Indra took me apart and informed me of the history that played down between the former commander and Azgeda.

 _"_ _You should hear this, Octavia." The authority in Indra's tone was tentative, but so was the worry._

 _I sighed and nodded. I was tired from the events that day, not to mention still recovering from surgery. My body was hurting and being grilled did nothing for my mood. I gestured to her to get on with it anyway. I wasn't exactly excited to hear a Lexa life story, but I figured she was going to bestow it on me, one way or the other._

 _Indra pursed her lips and a wrinkle appeared on her forehead._

 _"_ _For god sake, Indra. If you're starting off with 'Once upon a time' please save it." I snapped._

 _Indra shot me a reprimanding look, it was no secret that I held no love towards the former commander, let alone respected Lexa. Indra did. Lexa had been her pupil and she had served Lexa after she became commander._

 _She was not amused. "No Octavia. But if you feel like you know it better, then, by all means." Indra turned to make her way out, but I was quicker and grabbed her arm._

 _"_ _Sorry. That was out of line, tell me." It surprised me, but a part of me was curious what Lexa's deal was._

 _"_ _Right. Do you know who Costia was?"_

 _I shook my head._

 _Indra sighed. "This is so much harder, seeing as you do not have the wisdom nor the training all the former commanders had."_

 _I snorted. "We've been over this. Who was Costia?"_

 _"_ _Costia… She was a healer of TonDc. When they were young, she and Lexa, they became close. In secret. Lexa already buried a friend and even at the young age of twelve she did not want to jeopardize Costia's life. The inevitable happened and her heart won over her head, allowing her to become more involved and invested in Costia. Because_ that _is what Lexa was really like." She glared at me shortly before she continued, "Eventually, Costia went to live in Polis. It was the fifth war in 1,5 years and Lexa was marching the armies upon Azgeda when happened what she had always feared." Indra paused and her hard mask crumbled slightly._

 _"_ _Why are you telling me this?" I asked, not seeing the point of learning the life story of a person I had little affiliation with._

 _Indra ignored my remark and continued, "Costia was abducted. Lexa was frantic, on the verge of breaking down. Not many knew to what extend Costia's disappearance hurt her, but I have seen it up close." Indra paused again and there was hurt in her eyes. This time, I waited patiently for her to continue._

 _"_ _Then… The morning of the 26_ _th_ _day after Costia's disappearance, a representative from Azgeda made his way into the commanders' chambers. He had a package for her, one that he would only deliver directly to her…"_

 _Goosebumps. A shudder ran through my spine, imagining what was in the package. "They didn't," I whispered._

 _Indra looked me in the eye and nodded slowly, "They did. They delivered Costia's head to Lexa's bed. They tortured Costia 25 days before she finally perished. Until her body gave out." The hardness in Indra's face made place for sadness. It was short, but long enough for me to notice. Indra had known and loved the girl._

 _Indra composed herself. "From that moment on, Lexa made it her personal mission to unite the twelve clans. To avoid bloodshed as much as she could. She made it her personal mission to not let anyone suffer through what she suffered through."_

 _"_ _How…" My breathing hitched, "How did she live through that?" I suddenly found myself pitying Lexa, I knew exactly what it felt like to have the one you love ripped away by some self-appointed son of a bitch._

 _Indra looked sternly at me, "You know how she lived through it. She became who she had to be. There was no room for love in her life, no room for forgiveness or regret. Lexa became ruthless, the most legendary commander of all times. She became_ strong _."_

 _"_ _That is so_ wrong _." The words escaped my lips in a whisper, it was then that I knew that only that would keep me standing, too. "Why did you tell me this, Indra?"_

 _"_ _Because you have a choice to make, Octavia. You have to be a leader your people look up to – it is up to you to fill that role. Just remember what is important." Then, Indra made a gesture she never made before. She placed her hand on my belly and nodded. "You know what is important, you know what he wanted for you."_

 _I clenched my jaw when the image of Lincoln shot through my head, the image of him being shot straight through his brain, the image of him falling down on his knees, the image of his lifeless eyes cast up to the sky. The image of Pike grinning and hovering over him. I felt sick. Without a warning, I dumped the meagre contents of my stomach on the floor._

 _Indra didn't flinch, she patted me on the back. "Maybe it is best you take some rest, Octavia."_

 _Weakly, I nodded. I felt like I could sleep for weeks, if not months. Indra was right, I had a choice to make. If Lexa was able to put her pain aside to be a formidable leader, so could I. I hated to admit it, but I had way more in common with the commander I loathed so much than I initially thought._

 _Indra took a deep breath when she walked away from Octavia's chambers. She wondered if she did the right thing by telling Octavia what happened to Lexa. She had seen what it did to Lexa from up close, it had been unpleasant – in mild wording. Right now she could only hope that she made Octavia see what would be the wrong way. She hoped that she made Octavia realize that she had a reason to love and not to give up. She knew what Octavia thought of Lexa, she hoped that Octavia did not want to become her. Indra had loved Lexa, but the empty shell she had become after Costia was terrifying. Little did she know Octavia already made her choice. Fueled by the story Indra told her, she decided that she had something in common with Lexa. Strength. Ruthlessness._

I marched through the narrow hallways with concrete walls. I loathed this place. It made me feel trapped, it made me feel like the girl under the floor again. Ironically, that was exactly what I was now, the only difference was that _I_ am in charge. Everyone I passed, stared. I didn't exactly announce my pregnancy, but everyone knew by now. I held my head up and my gaze stern. I was still who I was before, Skairipa. I was determined to show each and everyone that I was still her.

Pascall came running up to me from across the hallway. That boy was always in a hurry. I had a weak spot for the young warrior, he and Meryll were always close to me whenever they had no other duties. Half out of breath he panted, "He..Heda,"

I scrunched my eyebrow, "Yes..?"

He caught his breath fast and hastily resumed, stumbling over his words. "Abby is looking for you. She said you missed an appointment and sent me to get you." He looked up with his big brown bambi eyes. He had something vulnerable about him when he did that.

I rolled my eyes. "Tell Abby that I have better things to do."

Pascall shook his head and spluttered, "She said it was important!"

I sighed. So persistent. "Okay, tell her I will be right out."

His eyes lit up and he turned to run back.

"Tell her it better be important," I added gruffly. There was something I was not looking forward to. I know I promised Abby, but honestly, I just wanted to get rid of the inconvenience. I was sure Azgeda was plotting to use my current condition against me and I was so not going to let that happen.

Once I got to Abby's office, she started berating me for being late.

Unimpressed I raised my hand while I sat down on the examination table. "Save it Abby. I'm here, do what you must, I have more important business to attend."

Abby opened her mouth and closed it. I knew from her expression that she was fuming, I just didn't care. Abby was my subject and she should behave as such, not like I was the little girl she found under the floor. Abby huffed in response but apparently decided to cut her losses and gestured for me to lie down.

My belly was starting to protrude, it no longer looked like I ate too much, but rather like a balloon was blowing up in my stomach. I hated it. I felt it move within her, every kick and nudge just reminded me how Lincoln was not there with me. Truth to be told, I couldn't wait for it to be born, so I finally didn't have to deal with it anymore. A squirt of cold jelly rudely brought me back to Abby's examination table.

Abby moved the transponder of the echography machine over my belly to detect the baby. With 21 weeks she could see if the child would have birth defects and if it was growing well. I sighed and just diverted my thoughts. Ten more weeks and then it was over.

"Oh, there we go!" Abby almost sounded giddy while she pointed at the screen. I turned my head to the other side, "I don't want to see. Just let me know what you find."

Turning my head also made her miss Abby's expression, though she wisely kept it to herself. I heard her scribble down some notes and then finally felt a wet cloth wiped away the remainders of the jelly.

"Octavia? Do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl?" Abby asked softly.

I shook my head. "No, I don't care." I sat up and jerked my clothing back into place while avoiding Abby's gaze. More prying was definitely not what I needed.

Abby just nodded and placed her hand on mine. The softness of her touch surprised me, "You know you can always talk to me, Octavia. We're in this together."

My face hardened and I pulled my hand away. "No, we're not. We're _in here_ together. In this," I gestured over the protruding bulge, "I'm in alone."

Abby shook her head. "You're not. Lincoln is here," she touched my head and brought her hand to my belly, "and here. I can't take away your pain, Octavia. I can only help you bear it."

I clenched my jaw. Rationally, I knew she just wanted to help me, irrationally, it pissed me off. I couldn't think of what was growing inside me and I didn't want anything to do with it.

The moment was rudely interrupted by Luke who came storming through the door. "Chancelor! Commander Octavia!"

Both of us turned our head toward the panting mechanic.

"I…We…" He took a second to catch his breath, "..received a signal!"

I veered up, "Bellamy?" I asked anxiously.

He shook his head and turned his gaze to Abby, "It's Clarke."

My mind was racing, if they intercepted something from Clarke, Bellamy was alive!

"Show me."

Abby's face was as white as a sheet and she stood there, frozen. Her hand clenching the monitor from the echography machine and her mouth agape.

"Abby? Come!" I nudged her and she snapped back to reality.

Luke let us hear what he received, it was not very clear, but it clearly it was Clarke.

 _Static noise… …en twe…one… ys… more statics. …ok …. Here… how…. Big crack. Silence._

"That was it?" Tears were streaming down Abby's cheeks. Clarke was alive.

If Clarke was alive… Then so was Bellamy! My heart jumped a little, it was the first sparkle of joy I had in a long time. I cracked a small smile and involuntarily brought my hand to my belly. "He's alive," I whispered.


	19. Lilith

Thank you all for the support! A short chapter in light of the new 100 trailer! Enjoy and leave me some feedback!

* * *

 ** _~ Clarke ~_**

 _"Bellamy, I doubt you can hear me on this piece of crap radio. It's been 6 months but this is the first time I feel alone. It's like… We were never here. The bunker is silent, too. We tried digging them out for a while, but there is too much rubble. In case this is the last time I get to do this,_ " I paused and swallowed. Unable to compose myself, my breath hitched _. "Please don't feel bad about leaving me here, you did what you had to do. By now Monty should have the algae farm producing.. How bad does it suck?"_ I chuckled under my breath before I resumed, the short time I lived of algae sucked. Big time. _"No offence, Monty. But just wait until you see this place. It's like the death wave jumped over the entire valley. Tell Raven to aim for the one spot of green and you'll find me."_

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I leaned back, my hands flat on the hood of the rover. Everything was changing. I wasn't ready.

Three months ago, Lexa and I stumbled on a valley during a perimeter run. We were ecstatic. It was the most beautiful, perfect thing I had ever seen. We left the misery of Becca's lab instantly and moved here, the one patch of paradise on a burnt earth. Like this, I was sure I could survive, that _we_ could survive. That we would somehow be happy and we were. Just not for long.

Yesterday had been perfect. Maddi was sleeping in my arm and Lexa was lying on the new grass with her head on my lap. Together we were watching the sunset. After the sun had gone down, Lexa took me through one of her memories of Costia, it was a happy one. The one where she fell in love with her for the first time. She was telling the story of her life by literally showing me her memories. It was the most private and intimate way of getting to know someone and I loved every minute of it.

~ Lexa's memory ~

 _The sun had just set and I felt giddy. A couple of months had passed since I got injured by the mountain-men attack and I was almost back to full strength. Which meant that Anya was on my case as a hawk. Tonight, I was meeting Costia in our own secret little valley. We had been sneaking out and meeting each other since I regained enough strength and we had grown closer over the past few months, without anyone knowing. I told Anya I was going out for meditating purposes, which she encouraged._

 _It was a thrill, during the day we would steal a glance or two and occasionally brush or run into each other. Nothing obvious. Costia had her obligations, I had mine._

 _Just seeing her made me glow inside, it was like the world revolved around her, though I knew I couldn't let it. My obligations were with my people. I remember what happened to Luna's boyfriend after the council found out about him. I shuddered and expelled the thought from my mind._

 _It was an hour hike through the woods before I reached the meadow, it was late spring and everything was blooming. I breathed in and let myself be mesmerized by the flowers and beauty of the meadow. I sat down under the crooked branch of the old willow, waiting for her._

 _It didn't have to wait long, her skipping footfalls made my heart jump. She poked her head around the tree with the widest, most genuine smile she could muster._

 _"Hi!" She practically sang._

 _I grinned back at her and she plopped down next to me._

 _"Gosh." She sighed contently while casting her eyes up to the sky, "It's so beautiful tonight."_

 _I had my eyes on her, "You sure are." I mumbled clumsily._

 _She giggled, I fiddled my hands in my lap. Her hand closed over mine and she was staring in my eyes._

 _"So are you, Lexa."_

 _She leaned in and lightly pressed a kiss on my lip._

 _A surge ran through me and I felt like my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was pounding right out of my chest. So many thoughts ran through my mind, none of them made sense. The only thing that made sense was her. Here and now._

 _Flabbergasted, I stared at her. She studied me questioningly._

 _"What?" She asked innocently._

 _"Why…?" I breathed. I was confused, I never felt like this about another person before._

 _A grin stretched across her face and she lied down with her head in my lap. "Because I like you, silly."_

 _She said it like a statement, like it was just a fact, like the fact that grass is green and birds fly._

 _A crease formed on her forehead when she saw the worry on my face. "What is it, Lexa?" she asked softly._

 _I snapped out of it and cautiously brushed a strand of hair from her face while studying her thoughtful blue eyes. "I…" I stammered. I just didn't know what to say. I was conflicted between admitting that she was the one person I wouldn't want to be without and telling her that it was a ruse. That we couldn't be together._

 _Instead, I leaned over and kissed her. Our lips touched tentatively, careful. The taste of her lips was sweet and she felt soft, I wanted more. Carefully, I hooked my hand behind her neck, as if I could pull her closer. Her lips opened slightly and her tongue lightly touched my lips, exploring the territory. In response, I parted my lips, I wanted to taste her better, I wanted to feel her lips, too. The tips of our tongues touched each other. The burn in my chest was raging, my heart pounding and a thousand butterflies fluttered in my stomach. Costia slid her hand under my shirt and placed it on the bare skin of my side and it felt like her handprint burnt a mark in my flesh._

 _The initial touch of our tongues intensified, we were exploring, tasting and it was the best thing I ever felt. After what felt like a moment, she broke the kiss. She looked up at the sky and bit her lip. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen._

 _"Oh, we missed the sunset." She stated sheepishly._

 _I laughed. "Well… Tough luck."_

 _It was then that I knew that Costia was more than just a friend, she was the one I would live and die for._

That was then. Lexa's memory of her first kiss and the moment she realized she fell in love with Costia was mesmerizing. It was the sweetest and most sincere thing I had ever witnessed. To feel what she felt and the love she had for this girl was everything. I helped me understand why she didn't allow herself to feel anything after Costia got murdered. How she turned into a ruthless leader, ready to kill anything and anyone that stood in her way.

The memory was rudely disturbed before she ended showing it to me. It was as if static noise was breaking up the connection. When we were back in the meadow where we had been watching the sunset, worried, I put my hand on Lexa's forehead.

A wrinkle creased in her forehead, "I don't know what happened." She whispered.

Then, Lexa was faltering. Flickering. The image was truly terrifying.

"Lexa!" I yelled her name in terror and woke a slumbering Maddi up in the process.

Maddi started crying and I pressed her against my chest while Lexa lifted her hands to observe them. Her eyes widened in panic, "Clarke, it has started." She whispered hoarsely.

I gasped, unable to move, but I knew exactly what she meant. I helped her up and bent her forward before I yanked her shirt up to expose her back, looking for her ascension tattoo.

"Lexa…" I breathed. "It's gone."

* * *

 **~ Octavia ~**

"One more!" Abby's voice sounded strained and beads of sweat were dripping from both our foreheads.

I gritted my teeth and clenched my fist around the sheets. The pain was the worst I had ever felt. My nether regions felt like they were being torn apart, and for what?

I took a deep breath and with a loud curse I gave it all I had left, relief washed over me when I felt the pressure subside and something slide out of my body. My legs were trembling and exhausted I let myself fall back in the pillow behind me.

Moments later, a wail sounded and Abby smiled. "It's a girl, Octavia."

"Great," I mumbled. I wasn't able to look at her, the thought of Lincoln was more painful than the delivery had been.

"Take her away." I turned my head away from the baby. A tear no one could see ran down my face. I was torn. I wanted to give her the love she deserved, I wanted to hold her. But it was like a chant was going on in my head, ' _love is weakness, hodness laik kwellness, love is weakness, hodness laik kwellness…'_

"But..." Abby said in disbelieve.

"I said, take her away." I hissed through my teeth.

I turned my head and looked Abby dead in the eye. "Listen carefully. You are going to give her to Kayleigh and you are going to tell everyone that it was my baby that was born dead, not hers." Abby stood motionless with my daughter in her hands.

Daughter.

My mother heart was conflicted, but I knew this would be in all of our best interests. Then, she opened her eyes. With the wisdom of an adult, her piercing green eyes studied me. I swallowed the lump from my throat and gestured for Abby to go. The minute I would touch her, I would not be able to give her up.

Abby nodded and turned away from me. Hopefully, there would be a day she would understand what I did and why I did it. I knew Kayleigh would take care of her with all the love in the world. I would never be far.

"Abby?" I choked out a whisper. "Her name is Lilith."

Abby nodded in acknowledgement and walked out of the room without another word.

I let my tears flow freely and the room started to spin around me. I felt empty.


End file.
